Category: general

Wow….Thanksgiving is already over and Christmas is right around the corner and I think I see 2003 over my shoulder.

I had a great time during Thanksgiving. I went to see Rhoda is Seattle area. She picked me up from the airport about 10 am Thanksgiving morning. When we got to her house, I went straight to bed since I hadn’t slept in 24 hours or so and I totally missed the big dinner but I hear it was great. She saved me some leftovers, which are the best part anyway, and they tasted great since I was completely over the airsickness by that point. My ankle was only swollen a little because it had been hours since I tripped over the guy seated next to me on the plane as I tried to pole-vault over him to reach the blue-watered, stainless steel potty, and the redness and swelling had really gone down. Of course, choosing to wear high-heels on a flight was a decision I might think twice about next time, but hindsight:20-20. And the great news is that only the two back rows next to the bathroom had to listen to me wretch because the sound of the engine drowned out the sounds for the rest of the passengers. I didn’t have enough time to shut the door behind me if I wanted to make it mostly hit in the toilet so I opted to gross out the people and make the babies cry instead of stinking up the whole cabin with the smell of vomit. After all, I didn’t see any pop-up air fresheners to stick on the wall if I missed….

Enough about vomit…let’s talk about my hair. When I reached my seat, exhausted and shaking, (this time, the guy got up and moved to let me in…) I immediately fell to sleep with my head banging against the window. I don’t know what else happened during the flight since I was out, but for two hours, my hair was stuck in a most peculiar position. How do I know? I know because when I reached the terminal bathroom and looked in the mirror, I didn’t recognize the person looking back at me. My hair was sticking straight up in a few places, not altogether unattractive if you’re a punker with a Mohawk, but I just wasn’t used to it and almost scared myself. I then realized that the people trying not to laugh at me and only smiling and pointing while I walked off the plane and rode the train and walked the mile through the terminal had been kind. They could have ridiculed me at any point but chose not to and let me walk proudly by.

The return trip was so uneventful compared.

Can’t wait for my kids to come and see me. I get a whole WEEK with them!

My job is going well. I really love working out loan problems.

Joe came back from his trek back east. I’m glad. I missed him a lot. There are so many things I like about that guy…..

quick recap for the kids:
when people say that flying is the safest way to travel, they mean statistically, you probably won’t die but there is no rule about puke or hair styles and you should know that right up front, i can’t WAIT to see you all…still like work, the list of things-to-like-about-joe grows longer.
MUCH LOVE
mom

A new week. *sigh*

I feel a little trepidation for the holidays. I don’t have any money coming in yet and the kids are coming for a week and I’m not sure how much I’ll be able to give them this year present wise. I’m trying to look at it as a great opportunity to help them grow into the next phase of Christmas : giving instead of getting, but only part of me is that grown-up. The rest of me wants to spend a million dollars and buy them everything in the world.

I did get to see the kids for about 15 minutes on Saturday. It was so great to get a hug or two squeezed in when it wasn’t even my weekend. I have the most awesome kids in the world. And it was very accommodating of their dad to let me swing by.

I have meds. I know…we should be having a party, but there’s no time. My head feels a kazillion times better. I might even make it through this week without having a crying fit everyday. I have so much to catch up on that I let slide last week. Thanx to my sister RhodaÕs persistence, (with out which, none of this would be the same because I would have pulled out all my hair by now and that’s just ugly), I finally found someone willing to prescribe me meds based on my telling them what I needed instead of long and lengthy tests and time which I had none of. (a version of help, help me Rhonda is going through my head…)

I’m looking forward to work. I love it when I feel like I’m helping out someone and getting them the best loan plan possible for them. Now, if I could just do it well enough to buy toilet paper or laundry soap…..

quick recap for the kids:
i’m trying hard to be a grown-up this year for christmas, do you think santa could bring me a grown-up kit? i hear it’s just like ‘accents-in-a-box’, you eat all the product and you end up with one classy, adult personality instead of having a killer british accent like my room-mate craig, (tony, you know that craig was kidding about that whole thing, right? craig just really sounds like that….)it was so great to see you and get and give hugs and kisses and smell your hair, (yes i smell your hair…just wait till you’re a parent), i’m back on drugs which, i hope, is a phrase that i never hear you say unless they are prescription, and even then could you do me a favor and not word it quite like that? stick to the word medication…it sounds nicer.

Today I looked out my living room window and saw a most peculiar thing.

In preface to this little story, I should tell you that my home is now at the top of a small mountain. (I would call it a big hill but that might hurt its’ feelings.)

The Santa Ana’s have been blowing through the area and at the top of this little mountain I live on, we get some wonderful gusts for a few hours every day or so. The patio umbrellas have blown over, taking with them the table a time or two, but all in all I can’t complain about the wind as a factor by it’s self, let alone in conjunction with the fabulous view I have on two sides of the house. I love where I live. Anyway, back to the story….

I had been sleeping all day instead of going to work like I should have been because I’ve had a little touch of the heebie-jeebies or left over cooties or some such thing. In any case, I walked down the stairs, into the kitchen to get a glass of water and then out to the balcony to see the ‘haps’ when I noticed strange shadows floating up and down across the deck. I should interject here that because of the very nature of the heebie-jeebies, one should not always believe everything that one sees while under the influence of said illness. So, after the initial shock wore off and I regained my balance, I shook my head once or twice and then looked again. Sure enough, there they were: bird shaped shadows floating vertically along some unseen tether line. Otherwise, how could they do it? It took me a minute to realize that I should probably look in the sky and see what was happening instead of just staring at the shadows. (A ‘duh’ should probably be inserted here…)And there they were…..3 or 7 or 11 or some such number of fowl in the air around my deck. I could have reached out and touched them, (If I’d had a long broom stick and gallons of more energy than I had at my disposal….), but I opted instead to sit down, heavily and unsteadily, into the nearest patio chair. And I watched. (In the sky, mostly…)These birds were playing some sort of game….a floating game I guess. I’m sure the conversation went along the lines of ‘I can float better than you can.’ ‘Oh, ya? I’ll get within 7 feet of the insane cootie-lady on the deck and come away unscathed!’ They would stay within a few feet of each other and right where the gusts of wind would come riding over the top of the mountain and coast in place with their wings outstretched. Every so often, one of them would bump into one of his friends. I’m sure he got points taken off his score for that. Or maybe not, depending on how you look at it…And sometimes one would tuck his wings in and do a quick nose dive to get in a position beneath his co-coasters. But the majority of the time it was just an unbelievable site of a flock of birds coasting in place about 5 feet off the balcony. It fit the way I feel today….surreal.

By the way, I don’t recommend coming off anti-depressants cold-turkey. It really does a number on your head and reality. But I have some great support and I know I’ll come through this alright. Someday I’ll have medical coverage and this kind of snafu won’t happen anymore.

Joe went to Virginia for Thanksgiving. I miss him.

My kids are maybe coming down this weekend and I might get to see them for a few minutes. I miss them.

My job seems to be doing fine. I love what I do. I’m just not making any money at it, which is generally looked down upon in the work world. I’m hoping that through pure determination, I’ll get more successful at it. That and my good looks…..

quick recap for the kids:
i’m feeling insane and seeing things while coming off medication and it’s not really fair that some of the things i’m seeing, i AM actually seeing….looking back on a conversation you kids debated this past weekend….dev, birds could be that one thing on the earth that tyler says doesn’t believe in gravity, therefore making him the winner of that long, drawn-out debate, and i hope i didn’t just open up another whole can of worms, joe’s gone, i might see you all soon, and just because you love to do something and work really hard at it, doesn’t mean you’ll make money doing it and then you have some hard decisions to make.
XOXOXOXOXOXOXO

So I’m moving in the house this weekend. I love this house. Did I mention that already? I feel like I’m sleeping in a tree house. The view is incredible. It’s so nice to have my own space again. The bulk of my stuff will be showing up next Sunday. My roommate, Craig, has at least 2 entire households of furniture and kitchen paraphernalia to his name, most of which is already in the house, so I think I’ll be fine. It was fun getting to know him a little through watching how he reacted to the stresses of moving with his friend ‘helpers’ that don’t really help all that much. I laughed a lot, only fell down once or twice and broke open only one box, so it’s all good.

The kids came down to the Carlsbad today and I didn’t get to see them which really bites. Their dad had to get back to Simi Valley for something. I sure miss my kids. Can’t wait to see them on the weekend of the 15th.

quick recap for the kids:
i wish i could live in a tree house but this house will do for now, moving into a new house and can’t wait for you all to see it and be there with me, i’m a klutz as usual but nothing too important got broken except some practically irreplaceable glass, miss you guys and can’t wait till you come over.

I can’t wait until I’ve found my home and moved into it. Through the generosity of my friends and family, I have had a roof over my head from week to week and haven’t had to spend even one night outside in my car. I have been super blessed. I do have the best family and friend network ever.

Although I’m just a bundle of fun to be with and anyone in their right mind would want me for a house-guest, I can tell when my welcome is wearing on the thin-ish side purely from the days-at-one-place formula.

If I’ve been able to use the same towel for more than three days in a row, my days-in-one-place value is equal to 3. If I’ve not only been able to use the same towel for three days, but also been able to clean dishes up from the dinner table at least two times during the same three day period, the DIOP value rises to 4 although the actual amount of days is the same. If I’ve also taken two to five phone messages in that same period for members of the household who actually live there, my DIOP value rises to 6. If those family members take two to five phone messages for me, my DIOP rises to 9. There are other factors which continue to raise the level, too many of them to name here, but I know if the DIOP level gets to be over 10 then I have only one or two days left. I’ve never actually been asked to leave anyone’s home yet, but I’m sure it’s been a close call more than once or twice. The odds of that happening only increase with the more weeks I don’t have my own home.

I dream of the days when I’ll be able to empty my own wastebasket or wipe my own toothpaste scum from the sink. Getting to wash my own dirty dishes and sit in my underwear on the couch while I pay my electric bill are only mirages I have from time to time when I dare to let my mind wander a little…..

I hope by the first of next week I will be able to report that I have my very own residence with my very own shower mildew (well, not right away…) and have burnt at least one hastily concocted meal to an unidentifiable chunk of charcoal.

Best to all of you,
L.

quick recap for the kids:
your mom’s good friends and family members might very well be insane or slightly slow because they keep letting me stay with them, i flunked pre-algebra in school and still manage to make up my own formula simply by being homeless; strangely, I miss scum in the sink to call my very own, still unable to cook but don’t worry, i’ll buy frozen meals when you come over.
I love you times 7.
mom

I have been missing my family SO MUCH this weekend. Yeesh! Not just my kids, although that would have been enough, but also my brothers and sisters. I’ve talked to all of my siblings except 2 and my yearning for familial contact has almost been quenched….and I should be alright at least until Thanksgiving weekend when I hope to see some of them.

It’s so nice to live closer to my kids. I hope to see them much more than I was able to this last year. They are all growing up so fast.

Went to see White Oleander for the second time today. It brings up tons of emotions. It was wonderfully acted and filmed.

Going in to work for my 2nd week tomorrow morning.

I have the best boyfriend in the world. It rained this weekend. We listened to it together. It was the best time I’ve had in a long time.

Fired my last rental lady and am working through a new one this week. I’m still looking for the best loft ever.

It’s funny how a one hour time change can make such a difference in how tired I am at night.

quick recap for the kids:
missing my kids and siblings, glad i live closer to them, went to the movies, still have a job, like joe, still homeless and additionally, i’m tired an hour earlier than yesterday.

This week was GREAT! Who knows how often I’m going to get to say that, so I thought I’d put it in bold.

I really did like this past week and I’m finding I really like working with numbers and loans etc. And I feel smart and that’s never a bad thing.
The guy I work with who is the broker is the most honest guy I’ve ever met in the finance world or just about anywhere except my mom who isn’t a guy so maybe that doesn’t count anyway….

Went and looked at Ford F-150’s today. Loved a dark gray one. I just might go back and get it. I loved my old truck and I miss it. Yes, I loved it enough to marry it…..

Going to hang out with friends tonight, work a little tomorrow and look for a place to live by the 1st of Nov.

Talked to someone on the phone tonight who was interested in reading my blog. I told her the address to type in and heard her repeat it exactly as I said it but then she told me she couldn’t get in. I asked her ‘You typed in www.passepar2.com/blog?’ And she said, ‘Oh. I just said it out loud like you did. I have to type it in?’ Maybe she has magic internet fairies at her house, but over here I still have to use my fingers.

Hope you all have a great weekend.

quick recap for the kids:
had a great week, love my job, respect my boss, feeling smart, thinking about getting ‘LeahPeah’, the sister of my last truck ‘Passepar2’, it’s nice the majority of the world has fingers to use on keyboard keys.

It’s so weird for me to think that I can wear a pantsuit to work with a semi-low-almost-cleavage-showing blouse, drive my car, vote, live on my own, order my own lawn furniture, own a gun, start my own business, shave my head, wear military fatigues if I so desire but there is a woman in the year 2002 that is going to get stoned to death because she had a baby after she got divorced which means she must have had sex without being married. The man, incidentally, faces no charges because he simply said he wasn’t involved. Well, it’s a little harder for a woman to lie while a small human gestates inside her. I’m not going to justify having sex outside marriage. But surely, Amina Lowal doesn’t deserve to have her skull split open while being helplessly buried up to her neck in dirt. If you go to Oprah’s website you can sign a petition to help save her life. I did.

I don’t think I’m thankful enough for all I have. Even with no more than a few bucks in the bank to call my own and homeless, I have so many more rights and privileges than other people around the world. I stand/sit more thankful to our founding fathers and everyone that fights to keep our country free tonight than I was this morning.

Called my sister back tonight and had one of those mime-ing talks. Because of the lack of words, these never make very good phone conversations. I’m waiting for her to say something and I’m waving my hands around in the air trying to pull her words magically from the air. ‘So, You called me?’ I ask her. ‘Ummm…yes. I did.’ she replied. *pause* ‘SO. Did you need something?’ ‘Nooooo….not really.’ *longer pause* ‘Weeeeeelll, are you doing something right now?’ ‘Yes. I’m out to dinner with friends.’ *pause: shorter than the long but longer than the shortest* ‘Huh. Well. I’m thinking you’d like to talk to me about something but you want to do it later?’ I’m trying to read her mind…. ‘Right! So glad you called.’ >click< and that was that. I guess I'll just have to wonder what it was she wanted to talk about. I hate it when that happens. I'm so NOT patient. Thinking about getting fake nails again. I miss the comforting clack-clack on the keys as I type. quick recap for the kids:
be thankful you live in the united states and try not to whine so much, the phone makes a better conversation converter than a mind reader, you might find me with talon extensions on my fingers soon. iloveyouiloveyouiloveyoumorethanyoulovemeendofdiscussiontheend.

So. I’m a real worker now. How ’bout that?

And my title is ‘loan officer’. I sound so…so…official. But today went great and I think I’ll be good at it.

Talked to two of my sisters tonight. That’s always fun. They are both trying to think of creative ways to help their little sister over this hard stump of a place while making sure that I’m not feeling like a charity case but still getting the things I need. The cash flow is low so Rhoda is buying some of my paintings. They are about a year old, left over and on her hands, taking up space in her home and now she’s going to buy them and actually own them instead of being nice and just housing them indefinately for me and so my car and insurance will be paid. And Laurel is going to pay my first few months of rent to I can finish training to be the official loan person that I was born to be and let me pay her back later. Who could ask for a better family?

Soon, I keep telling myself…..Soon. Then I’ll be back on my own two feet and able to pass the kindness around. It’s so much harder for me to be on the receiving end of the giving. I like being on top. 🙂

Reading a book called ‘The Idiot Girls’ Action-Adventure Club’ by Laurie Notaro. I wouldn’t recommend it to anyone who doesn’t like to read about drunken escapades and she curses, so here’s a head’s up for my family who doesn’t like that kind of thing, but her writing style is humorous and is similar to mine. She is sarcastic and pokes fun at herself. Like me. She has a lot of things to poke fun of. Like me. I think we would be friends if we lived close enough.

Things are feeling up. I like that.

Quick recap for the kids:
i’m a loan officer, first day of work went well, didn’t wear either shirt mentioned yesterday but opted for a sleeveless one under a jacket due to the pain of the new tat, your mother is a charity case for the time being but not forever, i still read books just like i tell you to do.
much love, mom. XOXOXO

Today I got a new tattoo. I drew it and my girlfriend April put it on my upper right arm. She’s an awesome artist who also tattoos. Soon you’ll be able to view her work from my sight. I’ll include a link when it happens.

Learned something about honesty and forthrightness…..you can’t have that kind of relationship unless you both do it. One person making that effort just won’t cut it. It’s got to be a two way street.

Keeping my fingers crossed for a loft I went and looked at today. For some reason I picture a loft being up on the top of a building but apparently, it can be on the ground level, too, which this one is. But the space is SO me. If it doesn’t work out I’m sure I’ll find something else, but I really liked this place.

Missing my kids something fierce today.

Starting my new job in the morning. Going to wear my power shirt….red. Maybe. Or maybe the white….

quick recap for the kids:
new tat, yes it hurt like crap, love it, no you can’t have one till you hit age 21, honesty is a two way street, want the loft, love the loft space, miss you guys a WHILE BUNCH, no idea what to wear my first day on the new job. LOVE YOU TONS!!!
mom

At my friend’s house today in LA. I’ve missed her. She’s a fellow artist and her work is so powerful! In fact, I’m using one of her pieces as the front cover picture on my book. And I’m trying to figure out how to include a few more of them somewhere inside the book. She doesn’t have a website yet, but one is in the works.

We went to a store called Walser’s and it is hands down the best art store I’ve been to in a long time. I’m like a kid in the candy store when I walk down in between the paper and colors…..i get these huge urges to buy one of everything.

It’s great to see old friends. I haven’t seen her in about a year but she’s one of those that you don’t have to see all the time even though you’d like to and you catch up in a few minutes and it’s like you saw them yesterday.

I start my job on Monday. I know I can do this real life thing.
My book proposal is almost finished and I have a few leads on publishers. I’m getting excited about it being finished. Finally.
I’m working on two seperate screen plays at the same time. It keeps life interesting.
And I like to drive even though my possesed car plays so many tricks on me. That concludes the thoughts for today pretty much.

quick recap for the kids: playing over at my friends house today, went to a killer art store where you know mom spent way too much money, nervous about new job on monday, still writing down all my weird thoughts and trying to make sense out of them, haven’t let the car win yet!
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So.

My kids told me that they don’t see me enough and wanted an update more often…hence the BLOG. Generally, I’m not someone who might type my life for the view of my children, let alone strangers. But, here I am. Typing. I found a job. I know, you’re all relieved to hear it. I know I am to have found it. It awaits to be seen, however, if it lives up to all it’s claims. The job has attached to it more hopes than I would have thought possible. The job makes it possible to finally move into the loft. The job will help me to buy my camera equipment back. And to have Christmas with my kids at my place this year. And to maybe get rid of my demon car. (I’ll explain about my possessed vehicle another time.)And to put some money in savings. And….and….and….. I hope the job can take all the pressure.

I’m finding it hard to be a real adult. I have to have a real job and have adult problems with money and people etc. I like it. I’m not used to it and maybe I never will be but I still like it.

Being divorced has it’s down side, like not having a date every weekend, whether you wanted one or not, to take you to Aunt Bertha’s barbecue or someone to blame for everything that made your day crappy or to take out the trash for you or to yell at when they don’t take out the trash for you….but it definitely has it’s up side like getting to spend 4 hours in the bookstore without feeling like you’re putting someone out and not buying ice cream because you just don’t feel like it and no one has a coronary.

But sometimes you can feel lonely and unsupported and FRAGILE.

I have a boyfriend. And yes, he picks his nose just like every other boyfriend out there. And no, I don’t find it charming or cute even though we are still technically in the honeymoon stage of the boyfriend/girlfriend relationship.

But he does something that no one has ever done for me in my life before. He genuinely cares about how I feel and actually asks me quite frequently how I’m doing. I found it fascinating at first. In a specimen-under-the-glass kind of way. I wasn’t sure how to respond. But I’ve moved past that now and just enjoy the feeling of being cared for in this small way that seems huge to me now. I’m sure before long I’ll take it for granted and start picking my nose in front of him, too.

So. To my kids (who won’t want to wade through the long version):

quick recap i’m now blogging against my nature, hope you enjoy, found a job, hope i don’t die from it’s disappointment, glad i’m divorced, have a boyfriend, we both pick our nose, one out in the open and the other still in private, and he makes me feel special.

and i miss you tons. and i love you more than that. and…and…and…..