Category: mental health

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I'm On Vacation, Right?

I’m totally on vacation. This is the first vacation I’ve had in a long, loooooong time where I don’t have to think about work at all. Except I do. I can’t help it. My brain is always leaving the present situation of vegging and relaxation and fun and dogs and darling little girls and good friends to ‘I wonder if we are going to meet that deadline?’ and ‘What if so-and-so doesn’t get that done in time?’ and ‘Did I remember to tell him that we need to check in on that?’ and ‘It’s totally NOT going to get done if I don’t remind them to do that part!’ And then my heart starts to race and I feel the beginning of an anxiety attack. I have to talk myself back down from the ledge and enforce The Vacation Rules. Which, I’m probably breaking by even writing about it right now, but baby steps, ok?

When did I turn into this work-a-holic? I don’t have to commute anymore because we work at home and so theoretically, my day should be shorter than the 13 hours it used to be, but I actually think it’s longer. No, I know it’s longer. I’ve forgotten how to just spend a day any way I want. The concept of ‘free time’ means nothing to me now because any free time I have isn’t free. It’s wasted unless I’m doing something for the business. And there is always more work. There is always more work than I have time for. So how could there be Free Time?

This self-imposed break on work is really difficult for me. I want to call people and check in on something about every 4 seconds. I’m listening to someone speaking, here in real life, right in front of me, and my mind starts to wander back over to work. Sometimes it’s REALLY hard to stay in the present. And the present right now is – I’m On Vacation. I have to learn to trust those around me to do what they say they will do and accomplish the tasks they agree to do whether I’m reminding them or not. Because if it keeps going on like it has been, I’m going to die from a heart attack. Or strangulation by people I work with. One or the other.

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I Don't Want One

I keep thinking I see spiders. Large spiders. With many legs. Tall legs. They turn out to be fuzz balls or pieces of tape left over from a birthday banner 6 months ago or I realize that I’m not a redhead and wake up. Although the one 4 inch long leg that was in the shower, all alone and obviously missing his 23 other sibling legs, that was totally real (verified by a real person not in my dream) freaks me out and somewhere in the house there is a large, hairy arachnid walking slightly off center and pulling to the left.

It may be time to look into medication.

In the grocery store checkout, I become aware that my club card is in my other purse or at home in the drawer. I’m the type of person that never gives them my real phone number because I’m paranoid that way, so there is no way to just type in my number. I decide to try Joe’s number. When that doesn’t work, I try random other people’s numbers that are in my phone. Obviously, they are all too smart to use their real phone numbers as well since none of them work. Meanwhile, the four people in line behind me begin to get restless.
Continue reading “I Don't Want One”

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Thanks

Thanks for all your emails and comments, everyone. I’ve decided to put the survey online so you can do it electronically and the answers can be saved and searched. It should be ready to be used mid-next week and I’ll let you know when/where to go to do it.

Yesterday, for the first time in a looooong time, I got to do a photo shoot. Since we are still getting the business up and running, my usual day is about 12 hours of different types of computer stuff and phone calls. So it’s been a long time since I got to spend a whole day shooting. It was really great and I hope to do it again sometime soon or at least before another year goes by. More specifics later.

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Stability

I’m never going to be the Stable Parent. First of all, there is no way to compete with my ex. He is stability personified when it comes to All Thing Stable. Second of all, he is the King because he’s making the list of the things that you are supposed to do or be to be called Stable so of course, he has more (all) of those listed attributes and I have maybe 2 which are a) be a human being and b) be alive.

When he knew me, when we were married, I was vacillating between Super Mormon Mom and complete wreck so it’s understandable to some degree that he has a hard time seeing me as something else, someone New & Improved, Edition 7.7. And it’s not that I care what he thinks about me but I totally care how his perceptions create his resistance to me being as much a mom as I can be to our kids. The way he speaks about me to his family, to his wife, where the kids can hear; casually disdainful of me. Every time he says something unflattering about me where the kids can hear they are faced with a decision about how to digest that information. They can’t really agree with him, because they don’t feel the same way, but they can’t really disagree with him either because then they would feel dumb. So they don’t know how to feel. They love both of us and don’t want to hurt either one of us. How sucky that they have to worry about it at all.

I don’t subscribe to his list. I don’t think that working 20-hour days year after year is the only answer to creating a home. It works for him. Awesome. For him. But I can create a life that is just as viable for my children and not have to have the same income. I can talk openly with them about how they and I are feeling and not pretend to be stoic if I don’t feel it organically. I don’t believe it’s healthier to make sure that the kids are in activities 24/7 all year round. It’s fine if they want to. But I don’t want to make them join every sport or convince them that they want to. Some of the kids might like to try having some down time or join a different kind of class besides the ones he thinks are cool. Because no matter what he thinks, those kids want to impress him and so they choose to join the things where he’s going to think they are the coolest. I think it should be the other way around – let them pick what they want and then think they are the coolest for doing what they love. And I don’t believe in making them go to a church that they don’t embrace purely because that is how it’s done or ‘what is right’. I want them to pick for themselves what spiritual avenue they will take and find what speaks to their souls. Continue reading “Stability”

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Today

Oh, hi there! How are you? Nice to see you! My name is Leahpeah and I’ll be your host this evening.

Man, this has been a Busy! Week! I haven’t had time to breathe. But I did have time to look through glass eyes and small heads being modeled out of clay. I’m posting photos later.

Right at this moment, the sky is a beautiful, fresh shade of blue. I can hear the birds singing outside. The kids are getting ready for school. Breakfast is made. It’s going to be a great day.

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Dear Internet,

Your letters, emails and comments have been amazing. Thank you.

I’m taking the weekend off. Please come back next week for an update.

Sincerely,

(and with xoxoxo)
leahpeah

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So – Really?

I’ve gone through some growing pains with this blog. It started out as just a way to stay in touch with my kids when we were living about 300 miles away from each other. About the time I realized that they weren’t reading it that much, I figured out that I really loved writing in here and I wanted to keep writing even if they didn’t read it or if no one read it. I loved writing out what I was feeling and it helped me process all the stuff going on in my day. And then I started doing interviews.

The interviews I do with people are really there because I’m selfish and I want to know what drives other people. I’m fascinated by people. What makes them tick? Why do they do what they do? What makes them what they are? When I find someone that I’m interested in, I pester them until they agree to let me poke them in the brain. Usually it works. Sometimes it doesn’t. Either way is fine, but of course I prefer the former. And if you enjoy them – Great! But I don’t do them every day or even every week. Sometimes I write about just plain’ol me.

So, I can’t really explain it, but now I find myself in the position of lame email stalkers, wonderful loyal readers, casual drive-bys and various family members. Some of those people want to tell me what I should write about and what I should not write about. Some of them think that because they have been reading me for years, that in some way they own a piece of this online persona and they should get to weigh in their thoughts about what goes on here. Well, I have to say to them: sorry, but no. I respectfully decline your offer to tell me what I can and can’t write about. This online persona is attached to a real person – me. I have feelings and thoughts and emotions all my own and they are ME and REAL and will continue to dominate no matter how you feel.

There is this pressure to keep things light and funny and witty. I can do that some of the time but other times I’m depressed, or sad or something bad happened and I want to talk about it. And I can! Because this is my space! Like the past week or two have been insanely hard. The business is growing and we have clients that want work done and not enough people and time to do it. And Joe is going through some major stuff and regrets getting married to me. And there is a divorce looming. And my kids are sad. And I cut my finger really deep. And my ovaries hurt. And things basically suck. So, where can I talk about that if not here? And the minute I think about writing it all out, I get another email from someone asking why I write about mental illness when I can be so funny at other times. Well, guess what? I’ll write about whatever I want to write about. And there are so many blogs out there in the world that I’m sure you can find something that you might like more. So – go. Or stay. Or do whatever. But if you decide to stick around and hate what I write – don’t tell me. I don’t care. Just wait a few days and I’ll have a new interview up or I’ll write about something cute the kids said or post a new photo. It happens. I swear.

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Ask Leahpeah 'Questions' Edition

I’ve accumulated some questions from readers in my inbox and now, armed with a small Dr. Pepper and Feist playing in the headphones, I will attempt to answer them in a way that is readable.

Do you ever “miss” the other personalities? Or, because they are all a part of you now, do you not long for them? I was thinking that in many ways Claire had been your best friend – someone to always bounce ideas off of and such – do you miss having that?

Before I became integrated, it was a heavy topic of conversation, the ‘what happens to everyone if we become just one’ question. And some of my personalities had a great fear of getting left behind and one in particular thought that if we did integrate, we would be defenseless against ‘all the bad guys.’ It takes a lot of faith in your therapist to make that leap because you don’t have any real idea of what it feels like to live life as a ‘mono mind.’ Post-integration, I realized that there is no way to explain what it feels like to be a whole person just like it’s not possible to explain what it feels like to be split to someone that is not.

Since the day I was integrated, I’ve had to get to know myself all over again. Some things you know instantly, like you suddenly feel like you have the power of 10 people and you can’t believe other people walk around like that every day. Other things are not so sudden but you’ve been doing them for so long, it takes a little time to figure out. Do I really like to eat yogurt every single day for lunch? Nope. Do I need to wear only slippers or can I invest in a pair of tennis shoes? Tennis shoes might be nice. Do I like having piercings in my nose/ears/navel? Maybe. And you kind of go through things that you think you know, to figure out what you really know.

So, to answer your question, it isn’t possible to miss Claire of any other personalities that I had because all parts are here and accounted for. I still talk to myself. I just don’t answer myself anymore. (Ha.) But I have had to work on the balance of characteristics and the things I mentioned above are all real things I had to figure out for myself. And if I go too far one way, like take out all my piercings in an effort to display to my family that I am now ‘healed’, it might feel too conservative for me when I stop and think about it and I might miss certain playful aspects that I used to have and then decide to go ahead and pierce my nose again. (Really. I might.)

Now that you are integrated, are you just fine? Do you still struggle? Do you worry about becoming un-integrated? Is that even possible?

Continue reading “Ask Leahpeah 'Questions' Edition”

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In a Galaxy Far, Far Away

A long, long time ago, in a different lifetime, I had four tiny kids all age 7 and under. I lived in Germany and was married to my first husband who was in the Air Force. I had violent mood swings but mostly I was trying to be a good Mormon wife and mother and make Jesus happy with me and make everyone else in the world think I was sane. I pretended. A lot.

I met and became friends with a wonderful person who became one of the reasons I didn’t end up ripping all my hairs out one by one and running along the rooftops naked. Well, I probably wouldn’t have raised many eyebrows with that anyway since they do it all the time, but in any case, I often teetered on the edge of reality and it was very nice to have this friend in my life who mistakenly thought I was good friend material. Hey. I wasn’t going to correct her.

We hung out together when our husbands would be gone TDY or when her husband, who was an MP, was working odd shifts. I believe she had tinfoil on the windows of the bedroom so he could sleep during the day. This is something I still think about. Tin foil. She also taught me how to make cheese sauce with no cheese. And this, my friends, is one of the main reasons I loved her and continued to wish we had kept in contact over the years. I woman that makes cheese sauce with no cheese because money is tight but you can’t taste the difference?? Do you hear me?? These kinds of friends are invaluable.

I tried to look her up every so often. I thought I remembered she went to Texas or something and on a late night after David Letterman, with sleep avoiding me, and running low on cheese, I would attempt to find her through top secret channels on the internet that promise to find your long-lost-loved ones just to find out they really wanted $29.99 to complete the deal. If I had the $29.99, I would just buy the cheese. Hello?!

And then a few weeks ago, she emailed me. She found my site because someone that linked to her blog had a link to my blog right underneath. You can read about this life-altering discovery in this post.

I missed you, Les.

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Ask Leahpeah

Hi Leahpeah,

I just got done reading your book. Thank you so much for sharing your life with me and everyone in the entire world. There are lots of people like me that are so happy to have someone talk about it. I’m going to take it into my next group meeting and share it with everyone. I looked through the art therapy paintings you have on your website and wondered why you didn’t include those in the book? And I wondered if you ever did any paintings or drawings about getting integrated. I mean, about the actually ‘getting integrated’ part. Because I’m thinking about doing it. And I’m not so scared about it anymore.

Silent Night Owl

Dear Silent Night Owl,

Thank you so much for reading and thank you for letting me know that you liked it. It means a lot to me.

I did do a painting about the actual integration process.

integration

You might recognize the description of the rivulets going together into one large area from reading about it in the book. At some point in the near future I’m going to put descriptions with all the art therapy paintings so they make more sense.

I wanted a way to put the paintings in the book but it was just too expensive. Maybe if the book gets picked up by a publisher they can figure out a way to include them but in the meantime, I hope this will do.

Best of everything to you,

leahpeah