One of the benefits of becoming integrated is that most of the odd things that you used to do, routinely and/or compulsively, fade or become minimized. For example, if you were compelled to eat exactly 18 french fries with every meal (I really did know someone that did) then post-integration you may be able to eat a few meals sans fries or at least be able to change the ‘must ingest’ number to 8 or 23. You normalize on many fronts, possibly some you never thought possible.
One compulsion I’ve had ever since I can remember being alive is drawing with my fingers. I draw the shapes of everything. And when I say everything, I really mean it. When I’m watching TV, I’m also drawing the shape of the TV, the shapes on the screen, the shapes of the entertainment center, the shape of the wall, the plants, the window – everything. When I’m walking, it’s the sidewalk, the houses and whatever else I’m looking at. The only time it’s not happening is when I’m writing, painting or shooting photos, but some might argue that I’m still doing it even then, just in other ways. Also, when I drive a car, most of the time I’m not, but if I’m stuck in traffic or on an easy stretch of road, that is where my mind immediately goes.
The other morning, while being the passenger, I wondered if this was a problem. If it was anything I should worry about or try to change. Why didn’t it go away when I was integrated? Does it matter that almost all day, every day I’m drawing lines and shapes with my fingers? I spent the rest of the drive trying not to. I wondered what it would take to sufficiently trick my mind into just looking at what was in front of me, without drawing it. And I found I could not.
The drawings can become quite complicated. Most lines and edges have a left and right side that must be drawn. Large areas of color must be filled in. In my mind, my fingers can become very small drawing utensils or very large and wide swathes of color. There is an example of the double sided line in this very simple drawing.
11:11 is a theme that seems to run through my mind even when my eyes are closed. I tend to draw that one over and over and over when there is nothing else to draw.
Perhaps it’s not an integration thing, because if it is, well, i’m fucked because I am very very similar but with words. Whether I’m thinking them or looking at them or singing along to a song or WHATEVER I’m constantly spelling them in my mind the way I would type them. Just testing and testing myself on how I would type them (or sometimes text them if I’m in the middle of a texting conversation) and I just CAN. NOT. STOP. Always. The typing the typing the typing and then I look down and realize I’m ‘typing’ away on my thigh or I just can’t take it anymore and I’ll jump on the computer just to see if I can keep up with the lyrics of the song I’m listening to.
So… let’s just say this is normal.
And driving btw, I have a serious compulsive game with the dots in the road and driveways. I have tried to stop, seriously tried to stop, and I CAN’T. So see, normal. PERFECTLY FUCKING NORMAL. Right? Please?
(…Wow… way to delurk for me!)
betty – oh yes. the dots and the lines on the road. my fingers know them well……
My partner counts corners. Once I asked him to show me.
Everything has inside and outside corners. And there are corners everywhere!
yeah.. I count constantly. I count the sides of things and their parts, and make 10 over and over again.. if I can’t figure out a way to make the parts equal 10, I’ll just keep subdividing the parts and the dust on top and the space inside and ..and..and.. until it makes 10. then I have to do it again to make sure it was right.
Faces and bodies I’ve done so many times that I just count those by fives.
i have lyrics running through my head over and over again. i rub my thumb and index finger fingernails together repeatedly (if you know what to look for, you can see it in many pictures of me) and i spell things in sign language when walking down the street. maybe it isn’t an integration problem, just a random tic that is present in so called normal people (re: everyone) too. oh, and 11:11 sticks with me too. often, i look up at exactly 11:11. it freaks me out.
I too count. I count the number of things, then I count the sets, for example how many sets of three steps are there between the car and entrance… I think it is normal human need to categorize and make sense of the world around us, so we do it in ways that make sense to our brain… numbers, words, lines, color….
It’s the gift of intelligence, or so I like to tell myself 🙂
When I was into photography I found I was seeing things differently, constantly framed and composed for optimum visual enjoyment.
I’m gonna try drawing with my fingers now. That sounds more fun than counting!
BTW I also “play” piano. on my thigh. when I hear music. Though I have never really played piano in my life….
i’m somewhat relieved to find out that either we are all nuts or i’m more normal than i thought.
lisa – yes! inside and outside on everything. i sometimes do corners, but not too often unless it’s the only thing i can see.
dd – my sister counts and spells.
kim – my mom rubs her thumb and first finger. my dad gave her a smooth stone once and it now has an indentation in it. i thought this stuff was only in my family and that we were semi-freakish.
jenn: i play the piano and i also can’t listen to music without playing it on my leg or on joe’s leg, whichever is more handy….
I have to say, in all affection and admiration, in looking at this drawing, I feel a bit like Terri Garr in Close Encounters when she observes Richard Dreyfuss with the pile of clay…
🙂
In my family, everytime you saw a clock that said 11:11 you had to make a wish. Always thought it would be cool to have that as a tattoo and when people notice, have them make a wish. Not a deep or really truly relevant comment , but there ya go.
What does it mean to be integrated? I read your blog fairly regularly, but I am really not sure what this means.
k – i totally know what you mean. i feel a little bit like that myself.
gina – the definition of integration just basically means to combine parts into one. i had 7 personalities that were combined into one. you can read more about it here:
http://www.leahpeah.com/blog/biography
and here:
http://leahpeah.com/blog/not-otherwise-specified/
off topic, but I believe in spreading praise…shout out to you in tonight’s post.
I used to draw things too when I was younger. I would draw the outlines of people’s heads and bodies mostly, but also some inanimate objects.
Now I count, I count everything. If I see a group of cows, I need to know how many. A pile of apples–how many? If the number is too great, my mind can ignore it. But if it’s less than 25, I’m counting.
I also play with numbers. Like on a digital clock, I’ll figure out ways to add, subtract, multiply and divide. In all different combinations. It’s tiring!
I’m going to totally try the drawing thing. I am a counter and I have to come up with 28. Has to be 28 by doing all sorts of craziness, or I have to start all over.
I am a nice mix of Lisa’s partner (corners are an awesome count b/c they are usually even) and definitely like DD. I have done people enough that I also count them by fives. Two hands: 5, 10 Two feet: 15, 20 Two eyes: 22 Two eyebrows: 24 Two ears: 26 Two nostrils: 28
Leah, you’re bringing us all together 🙂 Woo hoo for you!
I count things and put them into tidy groupings in my head. I avoid any groupings of six. I hate six. I will take note of all the things with rounded edges and all the things with corners and organize them into a more balanced visual order. Mostly, it’s about creating a sense of visual order.
I’m a counter. I don’t know if it’s compulsive? I don’t need to reach any certain number, odd or even. It’s like this…..I’m at the grocery store, putting apples into a bag and I HAVE to count them. I don’t stop at any certain number, but I absolutely have to count them as they go in the bag. I’ve always attributed it to having been a pharmacy tech. for 15 years, counting tablets and capsules 5 days a week, 10 hours a day. Perhaps it’s something else entirely?
This is all very interesting. I am a counter, too, like Sonia. I don’t need to add or make certain groupings (though I went through years of grouping 9s), but I still count.
And music. I have bad bad what I call “musicosis” – I will hear the same song over and over in my head for literally months. Mozart’s “Eine Kleine Nachtmusik” was playing for 6 months. It was maddening. So to me, hearing music is kind of dangerous, because I never know what will “catch” and leave me stuck with it. Right now it is a song I heard on This American Life – “The Cat Came Back.” It has only been about a month. Arg.
This is my favorite kind of post.
once i tried making a list in my journal of all my ocd-ness but i got tired of writing everything down :/
3 is my number. when i was little i had to do everything in threes, and if i wanted to stop i had to look in a mirror [always with a light on!] and make a “T” and then an “O” with my hands for “time out.” then when i had to start again i would make a “T” and an “I” for “time in.”
if i am crossing the street and cars are coming, after i get to the other side i have to take ten steps without stepping on any cracks or otherwise “abnormal” parts of the sidewalk before the car passes me. but it isn’t really ten, it is one two three one two three one two three one.
i have some other “three” things, a lot have to do with eating, but those are the two counting things that pop into my head right now.
just adding to the mix.
also, Jerusalem, we do the wish thing too 🙂
actually it wasn’t a family thing but a “thing you do when you’re in elementary school” thing. and you could do it at 12:12, 5:05, etc. too. and you would say “make a wish and kiss the ceiling!” my roomate says “it’s 11:11 touch something blue and make a wish!”
k – thank you!
Jerusalem – my kids do that. they will yell from where ever they are in the house to make a wish. i thought that was because they were my odd spawn.
Shannon – it looks like you are not alone. lots of people do the numbers/counting thing.
piglet – i know, right? we should start a club or something.
schmutzie – do you actually visualize containers? i used to do that.
Sonia – i’m no expert, but i’d say that your prior job might have contributed. all the counting might be hard to stop once you do it all day every day. when i used to practice the piano every day for an hour, my fingers would keep playing for hours after.
Suebob – when i was a young teen, my church had a lesson on backmasting in music and how it was evil and a tool of the devil. i had pink floyd songs stuck in my head for months and i just knew that the devil had my soul. sometimes i still will get a song stuck in my head and it is very VERY annoying. last one was my humps. AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!
pioneer woman – xoxo
stephanie – the looking in the mirror thing is fascinating. i wonder how you use visual clues in your life now.
my humps, my humps, my lovely lady bumps….
well, THANKS FOR THAT, leah. I have a big church/work thingy to attend in one hour and I will be humming that all the way to communion and back.
their songs are so damn catchy tho’. it cracks me up to think about them in the studio, saying, “I know! Let’s write a song about your ass!” And then the next time they go in the studio, saying, “I know! Let’s write a song about your ass!”
xo
Jenn- I play the piano on my thigh too! I also write letters with my fingers on smooth surfaces. Both of those came from boredom in church and at school.
Leah- I am relieved someone else does the finger rubbing thing. I find that comforting.
Do we do these things to comfort ourselves? Stimming like an autistic child? I find myself doing things in social situations where I’m overstimulated. But sometimes, it is just out of boredom.
wanted to add that one of my friend’s truly had one of the oddest habits. she doesn’t do it anymore but she used to have to recite the names of all of her male friends in the order in which she met them before she could poop.
hi,
this reminds me of when i was a kid i used to have to step over or duck under the invisible cords that were there when two corners of something were at the same height. yes. there are many cords out there to duck. i forced myself to stop, but sometimes i’d revert, and yes i have grown out of it thankfully.
No. It’s 23 fries. 23 not 18.
23, 23, 23, 23….
*twitch*
Suebob…. I had finally gotten THAT Cat song OUT of my head! damn. damn. damn.
and LeahP… we already HAVE a club. It’s called the human race!
My god… I don’t think I’ve ever felt like such a fucking compulsive freak and yet so totally and completely normal… EVER. In a way it’s slightly disheartening not to be as ‘unique’ in my head as I thought but so totally relieved.
Who needs therapy. Just blog.
BTW- Did I see right that you’re doing the Blog Spawn? I’m picking it up in a couple hours for my part. (And kicking myself because it all started with my fucking idea and I have NO idea what I’m going to do!)
I also play piano on my leg, tabletop, church pew, whatever is handy…and I also sign things I hear.
I rub my foot, most especially my big toe on the inside of my sheet when i’m falling asleep. Didn’t know I still did that one, until husband reminded me of it. Drives him batty.
I never do the counting thing, but I tend to put things in groups that are even…neatness factor.
And:
I always shower exactly the same way every. single. day.
Leah: Wow. I have been reading your blog for one or two years and somehow I completely missed that. I cannot imagine going through that. Depression and Anorexia are hard enough without multiple personalities and molestation too. I will stick to D. and A. alone I think……
Thanks for sharing your story with readers.
Gina
Woah Leah, Thanks for such a beautiful post and such fantastic replies! I’m passing this page along to my funny angst-ridden cousin with the OCD regarding touch: she really has to think carefully about a book’s texture before she’ll read it, or a toy’s surface before she’ll buy it.
I myself put myself to sleep by tracing numbers with my toes or fingers. The number 4 is really fun to spell! And I never considered this part of an OCD experience because it’s not so obvious to others.
(Found your site via Crawberts via LABarCamp; give Joe a hug: he may remember me from Web405: huzzahs and showerings of love to you both!)
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