Tony is officially no longer in 8th grade. Here he is in line to get his diploma. Boxing.
And a closeup:
What a ham.
Tony Promotes
Family
My brother and his wife have come to stay with us for a while. With them they’ve brought their son, six-year-old Gideon. Our lives are suddenly full of magic tricks, rolling around the floors on a chair with rollers, Nintendo and a surge of energy like you wouldn’t believe.
And it’s pretty great.
The Land of Opportunity
~My daughter calls me to go to lunch and all I can think is how great it is that I have time to do that with her. How sad it’s going to be when I am too busy. But how great it’s going to be to be earning money. And how lucky I am that my daughter wants to go to lunch with me in the first place. Because the truth is that I’d rather be hanging out with my kids than doing just about anything else.
~There are the absolute cutest lizards outside in the bush that climb up the brick wall and hide under the hanging ivy. They dart out and then freeze, basking in the sun and doing tiny pushups at each other. I’m not sure if that is some kind of communication or what but it’s adorable.
~Every day that goes by and I still don’t have new employment is a temptation to fall into depression. Which is in itself not really appealing to new employers. I’m trying hard to stay centered and keep reminding myself that the right opportunity is out there and it will find me as long as I’m open to it. I really do believe this but it’s hard to always keep it in mind.
Bullets
~Gainful Employment
Every day I scour the ads looking for work. It’s my job to find a job, if you will. There aren’t many writing/project management openings in my area and it’s getting frustrating. I’m trying diligently not to let it get to my self-esteem, but there is nothing like spending hours saying, ‘Nope. Not me.’ to get your confidence lagging a bit. My ideal job would be something on a flexible schedule but at the moment I’m looking at every type of job there is from part-time to contract. I just want to be able to go to work every day and feel like I’m in the right spot doing the right thing. Where is that job?
~On The Kid Front
I’m worried about Devon. He’s probably being completely age appropriate and doing/being just what he should but I’m really worried about him for reasons that I can’t go into here and sorry to be so cryptic but it’s his story and not mine to tell so I have to keep it vague. Suffice it to say that I spend quite a bit of time worrying about him and hoping he’s making smart decisions while knowing that he’s not. But like I said – maybe it’s all age appropriate At his age I was having my second child so my life was quite a bit different than his is.
Alex seems to be in a good place at the moment. She’s confident and self-assured and getting her shit together. She’s beautiful as ever and sometimes I watch her face and think how incredible it is that she’s my daughter. She’s working on her resume for a class and she actually has quite a bit for a 17 year old to put on there. I enjoy spending time with her and am repeatedly amazed that I continue to be asked to go and do things with her. I’m very lucky.
Tyler is changing. His body is responding differently to food and exercise than he’s used to. It’s interesting to watch him have to pay attention to things he is used to ignoring. He’s still playing basketball in a travel league but really he’s just biding his time until football starts again. That is where his heart is. Ty is a thoughtful young man when no one is looking. When you ARE looking, he’s full of bravado and teasing. He still gives me hugs and for that I’m ever grateful.
Tony is perfectly 13 going on 14. His hair is long and covers most of his face. He peers out from tiny holes in the curls through his glasses and you have to look pretty hard to see him. He’s bordering on Emo status and his clothes style has changed. He’s finally found a style that he likes and it’s fun to see him care about his appearance. He’s got a group of friends he hangs out with and I like seeing him happy. Happy being Emo.
~The House
Besides the flooring in our new place, which is pretty terrible and cheap, I love our new home. The size is nice. The vibe is good. There are roses of every color in the front and a small backyard with lots of green. I love the deep kitchen sink that even the large pans can fit in. It’s always hard to fit your stuff into a new configuration and this time is no different. We still have boxes in some rooms and don’t know where to put the family games and the important papers but we’re getting there. Every day it feels better and better.
~Joe
Joe has been sick and miserable for days now. He’s coughing and snotty and feverish. It’s hard watching the people you love being ill and feeling helpless to do anything for them. We had one moment of short tempers flaring because it’s hard to not run into that when you aren’t feeling your best. In that moment it was interesting to see how far our communication has come from a few years ago. We mostly circumvented any lasting issues and got back on track in a fairly short amount of time. Good for us.
~Me
I’m getting off the Invega and Trazadone and staying on the Wellbutrin and Prozac. Coming off Invega has not been as bad as some others like Effexor. My mind is a little funky but I don’t get the major electrical charges running through it. Just a dull headache from time to time. I’m happy to be on less medication but not sad to be on what I’m staying on anymore. Every morning when I take my pills I think about how my day is going to be so much more productive and well-balanced because of them and it helps alleviate any qualms I have. The truth is that I’m so thankful to have a way to balance out my brain chemicals. Time spent wishing I didn’t have to take meds is time wasted.
Since my thyroid has been regulated I’ve been able to lose weight at a snail’s pace. Which is better than not at all but just barely. Each hard won pound off is cause for celebration. Historically I’ve loved the treadmill but this go around I’ve found the recumbent bike to be more my thing. I’m not as tired as I have been and I must admit that ever since I started taking the name brand Synthroid instead of the generic version I’ve seen an improvement. I still get erratic heart racing but it’s not as scary as it once was.
~Misc
I keep waiting for someone from Tara to call and need me. I hope it happens sooner rather than later. I can’t wait to be a part of it.
I haven’t been taking many photos and I miss it.
I can’t decide if I want to hang pictures in this house or if I like the blank wall space.
The bird doesn’t get out to fly in this house like he did in the old house. We need curtains to cover up the sliding glass doors so he won’t try to fly through and smack into them.
Hookah
We’re completely out of the old house. Turned the keys in and everything. I sincerely hope we don’t have to do any moving again for a long, long time.
The new house has a small deck built into the side yard. It’s all by itself and has a view if the neighbors would cut their tree down. I’m sure at one time the view was awesome.
Before we were even moved into the house, Devon claimed the deck. He has a hookah and likes to smoke with his friends a few nights a week. I used to smoke. At some times I smoked a lot. And it took me about 14 tries to really kick it. I still will have the occasional clove cigarette one or two times a year with friends but the day in and day out of smoking is gone and good riddance. It takes so much to be a dedicated smoker.
Anyway, I go back and forth over whether I’m being a good mom or not when it comes to the hookah. It’s fun to go outside and talk to Dev and his friends. I see him more now than I used to and when he moves out on his own in a few months, I’ll see him hardly at all since he’ll undoubtedly move the hookah to the new house. But am i reinforcing a bad habit? Am I telling him that I think smoking is good? I’ve even tried the hookah myself. Am I setting a bad example?
Devon is over 18 so in my mind, it’s his choice whether to smoke or not and I’m glad it’s not cigarettes. I’m glad it’s an occasional thing and legal as opposed to him and his friends drinking beers or something I’d have moral and ethical qualms about. But, I still worry. Knowing what we know about lung cancer it seems wrong to facilitate and/or participate. Except I don’t really feel bad about it. And it sure is nice having him around.
Daughter Time
My ex and I have the ‘every other weekend’ thing going. There are always exceptions but for the most part, it works. The boys come over Friday after school and hang out until Sunday afternoon. There are games and friends and all the usual suspects in the mix but it’s so nice having the home base be this home that I don’t mind any of it.
My daughter, on the other hand, can barely carve out an hour to come over when it’s my weekend. Her social schedule being what it is, it’s hard to find the time. But I get it. I remember what it’s like to be 17. Hell, I was getting married at her age and popping out a baby. So I try to just be thankful for any time I get to spend with her.
She doesn’t sleep at my home like the boys do. She opted a few months back to sleep only at her dad’s which hurt my feelings quite a bit at the time. But she promised to come over during the days and I know she does her best fitting me in between sleepovers and hanging out with her friends.
The interesting things is that when it’s NOT my weekend, I see her more. She makes plans with me to go to a movie or do something else together. For example, this past weekend, we got our hair and nails done and then baked cupcakes for school together AND watched a movie. It was a whole day spent together and I just wonder why it happens when it’s not my weekend. Does she want alone time with me? Does she need to rebel a little against the rules? Whatever the reason, I’m thankful for it. I’m so glad she wants to spend any time with me at all.
Gingerbread Houses, er, Buildings, er, Somethings
After we got done gorging ourselves on turkey and stuffing and pie, we got out the supplies to make gingerbread houses. We used to do this every year but have slacked off the past few years. But this year – back on task.
As I pulled out bag after bag of candy, none of which anyone wanted to eat because they were so full (it’s part of the plan, yo) the kids got around the table and grabbed a ziplock of icing. We found out that we were missing one of the walls for the houses and we were 2 gingerbread men short. Most of the candy was too heavy for the icing and I thought – this is awesome.
Never, in any of the years we’ve done this, have the houses ever worked. They just don’t. The icing is either too soft or too hard and the house parts are too heavy or too brittle and the graham crackers that I buy to have just in case are broken. I mean, if the point was to actually make gingerbread houses, the entire thing would be a bust. But that is never the point.
Alex did hers on the tinfoil.
Devon made a huge glob of marshmallows.
Lacey made lovely designs.
Tony did mostly all his candy on the inside.
Tyler made some kind of bench out of gumdrops.
And Alison and Tony made a Holy Moly roller church –
that sacrificed gummy bears.
All in all, a great success. Complete set here.
Dinner Last Night
All the kids came over for dinner last night and it was awesome. Really, really awesome. There was stuff to talk about and lively conversation ensued. There was background music and lots of singing at the table. There was more than enough food and lots of eating. And it was easy and good.
And I felt different. I know that fact has a huge part in all this. I felt different. Not desperate. Not sad. Not upset or feeling gypped. I was present and just enjoying the couple of hours they were there and not wishing for something else – something more.
I think that in response to that, the kids can be different, too, and just enjoy the time as well. Instead of feeling guilty or bad or whatever they’ve felt during the past few months. It was just easy last night.
How much of this has to do with the new medications finally kicking in and how much has to do with the fact that they’ll be here over the Thanksgiving weekend which makes me feel rich in time with them right around the corner – I don’t know. But I do know it was wonderful.
Fruit Salad
I sat at the table opposite my son and wondered not only at his ability to sound just like his father, but also to eat an entire bowl of fruit salad. A bowl that held at least 9 different fruits in their entirety and while I supposed the bite-sized chunks didn’t mind being nestled amongst each other in the plastic bowl, I did suppose they minded being inhaled without a second thought.
“And if Dad moves for his new job, it might be as far as Norway or something. We might spend six months abroad.” He chomped and fiddled his fork into another piece of papaya.
“Norway?” I blinked my eyes a few times. No words were readily available.
“Well, that’s just one idea. He’s also looking for jobs California.”
All the nights I planned with Joe the best way to move here. All the days spent telling ourselves that the sacrifices were worth it – living in this area we can’t afford – because it was close to them. And they needed me close to them. We were so wrong. Even more wrong than I knew last month. Last week. Five minutes ago. But those words weren’t ready to be spoken. So I stared at his jaw, chewing, and said only, “Wow.”
“It might be fun. And even if his new job is in San Diego, the football is great there.” Always thinking about football. It’s important. More important than me to a fifteen-year-old boy. Normal.
“I think what I’m wondering,” I said, “Is why you’re so ready to move after your dad telling me for the past 5 years how important it is for you to be here, in this particular spot, for the schools and the football.”
“Like I said,” he said casually, piercing a strawberry, “they have great schools and football there.”
“Where I used to live.” I stated. “Before I moved here. To be with you.”
“Uh, yes.” And he looked up and met my eyes, for the first time registering what I was getting at.
I maintained eye contact, holding him with my gaze for a moment before dropping it out of kindness. My goal, after all, is not to skewer him like fruit on a fork. “And you never thought of me as a viable home? If your dad moves, you could stay with me and finish high school – that didn’t cross your mind? To stay at this very important school? And football team? With me?”
The squirming was almost invisible, but it was there. He stared at a green grape and pushed it around with the tip of the tine, slowly, in the nearly empty bowl. “No.” And then his eyes met mine and he stared. ‘It didn’t. I don’t know why.” His eyes were slightly shocked and a little wary. And sad. And tired.
“But the football and the schools are great in San Diego, too.” I said quietly and quickly, taking his point of view. To save …what….? The moment? His feelings? “And it might be fun to move. It’s been a while since you have.”
“Ya, it’s kind of like starting over. It might be fun.” And with gusto, he took in the last bite.
New Store
To keep away the crazy I’ve been busy crocheting many hats. You can see two of them on those casual male models just above. And painting. And sewing. I needed a place to put all this stuff, so now I have a store. You can order custom products or buy what’s shown. There will be some paintings showing up by mid-week. Along with more hats. Always more hats. I’m thinking about adding prints and patterns and whatever else I spend all day doing. And the T-shirts. I’m going to get them back up soon.
I also redid my website. I am trying for warm, inviting, creative and visually interesting. Getting all the little do-dads to show when I wanted them to kept me quite busy. There is still some work left to do, but I like it.
What’s next?
Remembering
When I first came back to San Diego after that last mental hospital stay and integration, I was so frustrated to be so far away from them. They were 2 and a half hours away from me! That’s 150 minutes of driving from one house to the other where I willed the traffic to go faster and hated every car in my way.
But, I saw them every other weekend for 2 days straight. It was 6 hours round trip from door to door and it was hours and hours of glorious time spent squished together in my car that was too small for five people with the windows rolled down since we had no air conditioning. We talked. We screamed at the top of our lungs for the count of five to relieve the angst and listened to the radio at eleven. Even the tape deck barely worked in that car.
I miss those days.
Devon, Age 18 | Joe, Ageless
