Category: general

Interview with Morphing Into Mama

You know that person that writes things that you read and it just gets you because it’s so true for you or someone close to you and so you want to get mad at them because they made you feel something – probably something you didn’t want to feel or think about – but you can’t really because whatever it is that they wrote was true? And then when you think about it for a while you realize that the stuff that person wrote wasn’t aimed at you anyway, but was just an expression of whatever is going on for them? And once you realize that, you think, ‘Wow, Morphing Into Mama is really quite awesome!’ and ‘I’d like to buy her a balloon and send her a greeting call from Elmo!’ and ‘Why can’t my butt look that cute in my capri-length chinos?’

Blog Birthday:

April 29, 2005

Why do you blog?

After Tod-lar was born, I started attending “Mommy Groups” to interact with adults, and I hated them – the adults, I mean. I felt like such an outsider around them. I’m usually an outsider in group situations anyway, but this was the first time, as an adult, that it actually distressed me. Because I was the only one who couldn’t gush about how “in love” she was with her new baby, I thought there was something wrong with me. I felt horrible. Even as Tod-lar got older, I’d still meet women who were completely sleep-deprived and yet claimed to be completely happy and content. I knew I couldn’t be the only woman in the entire fucking world who had difficulty transitioning into motherhood. So when a friend of mine told me about blogs, I decided to start one to see if there were other women out there who had experiences similar to mine. Turns out there are.

What do you talk about?

The kids, my husband, parenting, school. And ranting. I do a lot of ranting.

What don’t you talk about? Why?

Politics. I feel it’s an area I can simply never know enough about because I’ll never have enough information from enough reputable sources (enough already). There are no facts – just bias everywhere you turn. That’s not to say I don’t have political opinions. I just always end up questioning whether my opinions are based on correct information or not.

Worst/best experience regarding something you wrote in your blog or put out on the net?

Worst? Gee. Hmmm. Nothing comes to mind . . . nope. Except there was that one post that caused quite a to-do. Yeah . . . that pretty much sucked.

Ironically, that worst experience is also my best experience. I learned a lot about myself, blogging, and people and their opinions. What exactly I learned about these issues I won’t tell. At least not until the wounds have fully healed.

Favorite/worst thing about living where you live?

Favorite thing – the weather.

Worst thing – the high cost. And we’re just a wee too close to Plastic Land (aka Los Angeles).

Do you contribute/write for any other blogs?

Nope.

If you were president of the US:

I don’t even know where to begin.

What actor would play you in the movie of your life?

Hmmmm. Kevin Spacey? I mean, it’d have to be a man right? It’s not like we’re going to have a female president anytime soon, right?

What do you do to stay sane and healthy?

I take my kids on long brisk walks. I also drink the occasional martini. I’m convinced both are necessary for sanity and good health.

Favorite color:

Camel – and, yes, I know it’s not really a colorful color. But I love a rich camel juxtaposed against a deep black. In fact, I wear a lot of camel and black. My blog photo is a rare shot of me wearing an actual color.

Favorite food:

Yellowtail sashimi. I never, ever get sick of it (or from it).

When you were 10, what did you want to do when you grew up?

Dance, sing, paint, write, find a cure for cancer, and be President of the United States. All at once.

What do you hate?

People who think they “know” me based on how I dress, where I live, or what I write on my blog. I like to think, for people in general, that what lies behind these one dimensional aspects is a more complex and rich personality.

What do you love?

Besides my family? Tomolives. I really, really love Tomolives (specifically, three) in my martini.

What do you want to tell other bloggers, if anything?

Write on, bruthas and sistahs.

Astounding facts about you:

I don’t have any astounding facts, but I have some boring/embarrassing ones for you:

I like to sing at the top of my lungs when I’m alone in the car.
I’m a good dancer (say other people, not just me), but I CANNOT do any type of choreographed dance – which is why I will never, ever attend an aerobics class.
I find colors to be beautiful, emotional, and baffling, which is why I’m usually in camel and black.
During my senior year of high school, I was constantly harassed and taunted by a group of Latina girls for “acting white” – which is rather silly since in addition to being half Hispanic, I am also half white.
I’m really good at mimicking voices. In particular, I do a really good Cartman (South Park), Lois (Family Guy), and Chong (then again, who doesn’t do a good Chong?).
A few months after I arrived in LA, I went to see one of Woody Allen’s worst films, “Deconstructing Harry,” and then shot a national promo for it after the film was over. I lied to the camera and said, “I’d take all my friends!” They actually used it.
A couple of years later, I met Woody at a restaurant. I’ll never forget his look of absolute horror as I rudely and drunkenly reached for his arm.

You are very vocal about your beliefs about parenting. Do you find that bites you in the ass often?

No. Most of my friends don’t even know I have a blog. In fact, I’ve kept my blog relatively secret from most people I know, including family, because I want to have the freedom to express my views without fearing I may hurt someone’s feelings. It is interesting, though, how people you don’t even know can get their feelings hurt after reading a post.

Are you Windows or Mac? Why?

Windows. Macs are so expensive. If I was an artist, I’d definitely own a Mac, but all I do is internet, email, and wordprocessing, so Windows is sufficient.

How would your husband describe you? How about your kid(s)?

After all the usual happy horseshit, Husband would probably talk about how I nearly always order the same thing at a restaurant. If we’re at a Mexican restaurant, I order chicken enchiladas verdes. If we’re at an Italian restaurant, I order carbonara. If we’re having sushi, I order yellowtail. Whenever I do decide to order something different, I have Husband choose it for me. I’m always afraid of ordering the wrong thing and then not enjoying my meal.

My kids would probably describe me as loud, silly, and sometimes stern. And they’d probably complain about my singing. Because I sing. A lot.

Do you cook?

Yes. I like cooking, and I’m actually good at it, if I do say so myself. Husband, however, didn’t think so when we first married. At that time, everything I baked or roasted turned to charcoal. I remember handing Husband a plate of stuffed bell peppers I’d cooked for dinner that were pretty much 100% black. “I swear I’m a good cook! It must be the oven,” I said to him. Without looking at me he said, “Uh-huh,” and then proceeded to eat the whole plate, being the good husband that he is. A month later we discovered that the oven door was actually melting because it was always operating at 500 degrees. Turns out someone (cough, cough, Husband) had ripped the thermostat out of our electric oven because he thought it was just a “loose wire.” We still get a good laugh out of that.

Sadly, I have to admit that I’m the type of cook who requires a recipe. Husband, on the other hand, has never used a recipe, and he’s a fabulous cook.

What are you working on right now?

My parenting skills. And my masters in psychology.

Your own favorite post? And/or your favorite post of someone else?

My own personal favorite post is My Vagina’s Monologue.

I can’t really think of a favorite post of someone else’s off the top of my head, but my blogroll is full of smart, funny blogs that I really enjoy.

What will you being doing next year?

Providing therapy to children. Scary, ain’t it?

Tell me a secret?

I’m not nearly as smart or wise or self-aware as I like to think I am.

What do you wish I had asked you that I didn’t?

“Tell me about your mother.”

Thanks, MIM!

Interview with Sarah Brown / Que Sera Sera

Right off the bat, I have to tell you this to get it out of the way: Sarah Brown flaunts one of the best written entries about the subject that makes me want to fling my body in front of a fast-moving bus or burn my ears off when my kids tease me about it. I can hardly even type the subject let alone say the words out loud but – she despises roaches as much as me. Her writing is featured here and there and here is a full list. If you live in Brooklyn, she’s the host of your favorite reading series, Cringe. Sarah loves the Dark Crystal (who doesn’t?), has fantastic hair and loves table salt. And, she thinks you’re fantastic.

Blog Birthday:

October 31, 2001

Why do you blog?

I started when I got laid off from my first advertising job. I didn’t tell anyone about it, and intended to make it a daily exercise. I guess I was worried that suddenly not writing bank commercials or print ads for the Long Honker Goose Call everyday anymore was going to make me rusty. I think I keep it up because it’s fun for me to write little snippets in this sort of venue. I don’t update my site as often as I did in the early days, and I try not to post filler, so when I do write on my site, it’s because there’s some idea that’s been in my head for a few days, and I enjoy the process of working it out. I mean, it’s never anything epic; it’s more like I enjoy playing with the wording of sentences in my head while I wash my hair for a few days before I get around to typing them out. I probably do more actual writing in the shower than I do on my computer.

What do you talk about?

Mostly just observations, Funny Things That Happened To Me Today, that sort of thing. Every once in awhile I have a little rant I like to get out, but they’re always about something non-controversial, like Why I Cannot Tolerate Conor Oberst, or I Hate How The Kids Today Have Such Tiny Earphones. Once I wrote something that jokingly but basically said some rape victims are tiresome and annoying at parties. No hate mail. I can’t get arrested in this town.

What don’t you talk about? Why?

Unless I’m making a joke, I almost never write about politics, religion, or my sex life. I’m not interested in writing about politics or religion because it invites tiresome back and forth in the comments, and I’d rather gargle my own urine than get into that online. If I want to discuss those issues, I’ll talk with people in real life. I’m not looking to create a forum or something. My site is more dick jokes, with the occasional heartfelt aside.

I also very rarely talk about my love life, or at least not in terms of “hello, here is what is going on in my love life.” I used to be more open about it, but I don’t feel comfortable doing that anymore. Actually, there’s very little mention of any of my day-to-day personal life at all on my site these days. I may occasionally write about something personal, but I prefer to keep the majority of that stuff private. I don’t like the idea of someone reading three or four posts and being able to tell who I’m dating, where I’m working, what’s going on with my family. No one ever asked me to do this, but I just feel more comfortable this way. I’m sure it makes reading my site a little less fun, though, if you’re into being a voyeur. Which, I mean, I am. That’s mostly why we’re all on the internet, right?

Worst/best experience regarding something you wrote in your blog or put out on the net?

I think the best thing that’s come from writing online is that it’s led me to meet a lot of really great and talented people, both in real life and pen pal-type friends. Really, like 98% of the people I’ve met as a result of something internet-related have been wonderful. The downside is I’ve encountered a few really awful nutjob crazies. But that’s a pretty good ratio. Better than Ivy League.

Favorite/worst thing about living where you live?

My favorite things about New York are Coney Island, Hayden Planetarium, Prospect Park, Grimaldi’s Pizza, and my friends. I like that there’s always something going on, and it’s always something awesome. I like reading on the subway on my way to work. I like how sometimes I hear seagulls near my apartment in the mornings and remember how close I am to the ocean. I love living in Brooklyn. This is a great place for me to be right now, but not forever.

I miss my family. I miss driving down highways. I miss tornado season. I miss thunderstorms. I miss drive-ins and bowling alleys. I miss seeing lots of sky and lots of green grass and trees. You don’t always know you’re missing that until you go someplace else and see it, and then it’s like realizing you were holding your breath. I knew when I moved to New York that I wouldn’t stay here forever, but sometimes lately I want to hurry up and go to the next place already. It just has to be near an ocean, host a decent autumn, and have lots of take out.

Do you believe that the Dark Crystal is a great movie or the greatest movie that was ever made?

I believe that the Dark Crystal is quite possibly the gold standard when it comes to ’80s fantasy movies, the Big Four for me being Willow, DC, The Neverending Story, and Legend. They make up this kind of Venn diagram of Actually Cool/Sort Of Creepy. I don’t care how tired I am or what band is playing or who wants to go out, if you say to me, “Oh, why don’t we just stay in tonight and drink and watch (one of these four movies)?”, I will say yes, always always yes. So far the only people who’ve ever said that to me, though, are my friend Laura and my little brother.

The back of your hair is amazing. What color is that?

I took that picture this summer, before I colored it, so that’s my natural color. I have a lot of gray all of the sudden, so I’ve started buying $9 L’Oreal Color Correction Kit For Mature Matrons. It comes with a pair of gigantic panties and a Readers Digest right there in the box.

Aside from covering gray, I am incredibly low-maintenance when it comes to my hair. I had straight hair for the first 25 years of my life, and then one day, it turned curly. Bam, just like that. I didn’t even have to get pregnant or anything! There are two upsides to this development, one being that men seem to respond much more to curly-haired girls, and two, having curly hair is so easy. I don’t “do” my hair so much as I shampoo, condition, rub my head with a towel, and leave the house. Once a month I use a wide-tooth comb on it. I feel like this is God’s way of giving me back all those hours I spent in high school blowdrying and hot rolling and backcombing and spraying. I choose to spend these hours sleeping.

If you were president of the US:

I’ve read enough presidential biographies to know that I would never, ever want to be president of the US. But if I had to be, I would get America back under the Kyoto Protocol, immediately. Like starting six years ago. If it’s not too precious to name global warming as your pet peeve, that’s mine. Well, actually, it’s people ignoring global warming that upsets me. Nothing makes me more panicked and angry at the same time.

What actor would play you in the movie of your life?

My friends the Byrnes play this game all the time. It was always a great conversation at the bar back in the day, and they were so spot-on with the casting of everyone we knew, but no one could ever cast me for some reason. The only celebrities I’ve ever been told I resemble are Annabeth Gish (wha?), Lauren Graham (total lie, that guy was just trying to sleep with me), and, once, by this mean lady at a place where I interned, Ricki Lake. (That one made me go into the ladies’ room and cry all over my Old Navy cardigan.) I have no idea. I think the problem is that, inherently, I am not a woman. I am equal parts 8 year old girl, 16 year old boy, and 70 year old man. So I guess Liza Minelli.

You know, they canceled Arrested Development.

You know, I had this great idea for a television network that played nothing but awesome shows that got cancelled, like all AD and Freaks & Geeks, and then I read today that there was such a network, called Trio, and the network got cancelled. What is wrong with this country? We have American Idol five days a week, about seventeen shows where people get their homes redecorated, and that fucking eye-herpe Michael Rappaport show “The War at Home” is still on the air, but Arrested Development gets cancelled?!

Favorite color:

Red. My favorite book when I was a toddler was “Ann Likes Red.” It’s the gripping tale of a little girl named Ann who goes shopping with her mother, where they delve into such early-reader issues as, “A blue dress, Ann? A tan belt, Ann?” “No, red! I like red!” Then Ann comes home and puts on her new outfit, consisting of a red dress, red hat, red belt, red socks, and red shoes, stands in front of the mirror, puts her hands on her hips and declares to her reflection, “Red, red, red! Ann likes red!”

It’s basically like a preschool version of that scene in Mommie Dearest where wild-eyed Faye Dunaway lounges on the white couch in front of her dressing room mirror, wearing only a robe and turban, slowly massaging lotion onto her elbows. That scene gives me the pulsing dull heat every time.

Tell me about Cringe?

Cringe is one of my favorite things in my life right now. I can’t really convey in writing how freaking hilarious it is. I basically host it just so I can be guaranteed an hour and a half straight of entertainment at least once a month. Also, it’s simultaneously reassuring and depressing to realize that, for the most part, we were all the same adolescent. And, to be completely honest, not all that different from who we are now. I read through my current diary the other night, and since you tend to only write in a diary when you’re upset or working through something, I realized, wow, for the most part, I am worried about the same things I was worried about when I was fifteen. Except now I’m allowed to talk on the phone past 10 pm on weeknights.

Favorite food:

Table salt.

When you were 10, what did you want to do when you grew up?

I could answer this question how you probably meant it, by saying “I wanted to be an artist and a mom,” but honestly, when I was 10, I had a very detailed, very tunnel-visioned plan of what I wanted to do with my life when I grew up, and it basically involved having my own apartment, buying chocolate milk in the carton, eating Hostess Old-Fashioned Sour Cream donuts for breakfast every day, and prank calling whomever I wanted, whenever I wanted, without worrying about my parents busting me. Aaaaand that’s pretty much my life now.

What do you hate?

Lip gloss. MySpace. But I’m a hypocrite, because I use both.

I will not tolerate self-important whiners or misused apostrophes.

What do you love?

2 am, three glasses of wine, Chet Baker in the background, coffee brewing.

More than anything, I love talking to people who are really fired up about some part of their life that they love, like a strange hobby or cool job. I am an enthusiast enthusiast. My friend Emily told me once that I was her favorite person to have at parties because I was good at making conversation with strangers, and she didn’t have to worry about hostessing, but that’s not bullshit politeness. I just really like asking questions. Sometimes people get the wrong idea and think I’m hitting on them, because I’m all leaned in on my elbows like a five year old, asking, “Where are you from? Do you miss it? Do you have siblings? Are you more like your mom or your dad?” I remember it all too, which freaks people out a little if we’re just acquaintances and I run into them a year later and am like, “Oh, isn’t your birthday tomorrow?” I don’t know; I just like hearing the backgrounds of people’s lives, and whatever little things they’re passionate about.

Didn’t you have some problems with someone pirating your site?

Yeah, several times now, the last one in this twisted fan-fic manner. I don’t understand it. I’d like to say I just laugh it off, but in all honesty, it really bothers me, both in a defensive, that’s MY idea way, and also in this naïve, disappointed way, in that I just assume a little too often that everyone’s going to be cool.

What do you want to tell other bloggers, if anything?

Just because you have access to a keyboard does not automatically make you a tastemaker or critic or pundit. There are some sites that seem to exist just so people can link to things or events that are cool, no real commentary, like it’s going to make them cool by proxy to say, “I bought this!” or “I am aware of an event that will be happening tonight!” That’s just weird to me. I don’t get it. I also don’t get people who use their sites to do nothing but bitch about how inferior or out of touch everyone else is. All that negativity just makes me bored. If you’re sad and bitter, go get laid or start therapy or something, but don’t be a teenager about it and assume other people want to read that crap. I guess my rules would be: if you’re going to have a site, have something to say, and be funny, but don’t be a douche.

Astounding facts about you:

I can name celebrity voiceovers in television commercials in under two seconds. I see numbers as colors. When I was thirteen, I had an extremely brief career in hand modeling. I have never seen Schindler’s List, Apocalypse Now, or Footloose. I got a B.A. in English without ever having read anything by a Brontë. When I was a kid, I used to eat paper.

I realize these aren’t really “astounding facts” so much as “factoids.” My personality is basically a bathroom book.

Can you please give me a link to your favorite post? Why do you like it so much? Are you going to marry it?

Sometimes I like to read through my old posts, just because it’s a handy way to remember the past few years, but doing that makes me want to edit and delete, and that’s a hard urge to supress, so I don’t re-read a lot. But the only one that still actually makes me laugh is this one about the time I found a roach in my fajitas — just that bit about the shark. That’s some funny shit. It makes me want to high-five 2004 me, but that’s sort of like jerking off to your own photo.

Also, I still like this one because it’s still true.

Are you Windows or Mac? Why?

Mac, just very recently. I had some reservations, but now I wonder why I wasted so many hours of my day rebooting my old Windows machine every time it crashed. It’s like, he hit me because he loved me, but then I met Judith Light and now we’re taking back the night or something. I can’t explain, it’s complicated.

How would your friends describe you?

They would probably say that I’m funny and big-hearted, and that I sleep way too late on the weekends.

I just turned to my roommate and her boyfriend and said, “Hey, how would you describe me?” and they said, “Um… funny? Nice glasses? Great laugh? Sensitive? Well-spoken? Good activity partner? Great ass?” Which is a total lie, because everyone knows I’m all T and no A.

Do you cook?

Not really. I prefer baking to cooking. I make a really good pecan pie. I’m going to come right out and say that I make the best pecan pie I’ve ever had.

Are you a Priestess? I’m asking because you are apparently marrying people.

My friends Jay and Patti asked me to officiate their wedding last summer when they got engaged, so I got ordained online, with the Universal Life Church. As far as I can tell, their required credentials are that you have a name and a few minutes. The wedding was three weeks ago, and I still get nervous in the shower every morning that I somehow ruined their wedding with what I said and they’re too nice to tell me. My hairdresser asked me if I’d do her wedding someday, but I don’t know. I’d hate to jinx myself. You know how it is: always the minister, never the bride.

What are you working on right now?

I’m working on two books. I take turns procrastinating with each of them.

What will you being doing next year?

I should be traveling a lot more in the coming year, if things go as planned. I’d also like to get a dog eventually, but I don’t know if that’ll happen just yet.

Tell me a secret?

This is hard for me to say, but I had a sex dream about you last night, and it made me realize I’m in love with you.

Okay, that’s not true at all, but isn’t that really what most people want you to say when you tell them a secret?

What do you wish I had asked you that I didn’t?

I wish you’d ended this conversation by saying, “Who’s the #1 rock band in the world?” And I’d give the traditional response, “Blue Oyster Cult! Put your dad on the phone.”

Thanks, Sarah!

Interview with /byrneunit

Never done before and probably never to be attempted again is a Leahpeah interview with more than one person at a time. But how can one not be compelled to find out more when it comes to the dynamic couple that call themselves Byrneunit? One cannot. And so, compelled, I venture into new territory and Erin and Brian have gamely come along. They live in Tulsa with their son Henry, who is himself uncommonly good looking, where Brian gives great radio voice and interviews people FOR A LIVING (swoon) and Erin spends her days in the stacks, smelling the knowledge right out of those old books where it enters her head and makes her think that all people know what philately means. They both have ‘butt’ on the brain.

Blog Birthday:

Brian:
June 23, 2003
Erin:
May 2003

Why do you blog?

Brian:
A few reasons. For one, I’ve always felt I needed the practice writing, and I don’t know about you, but I can’t keep a journal for shit. I’ve tried time and again, and I always run into the same fundamental problem: Who the fuck am I writing this for? I’m sure as fuck not gonna go back and read it, and I’m sure as sure as fuck not gonna let anybody else read it, so why the fuck am I not watching “The Core” on Showtime Extreme West Coast right now? For real, Aaron Eckhart and Hilary Swank can’t keep the planet from disintegrating if I’m not watching. It’s true. I asked them, and they told me.

For another, beyond needing practice writing, I think blogging helps keep me from going off at the mouth (keyboard) too much, as I have a tendency to write thousands upon thousands upon thousands of words when all I’m trying to say is, for example, that I tend to write very long sentences. Seven words are important, but just to be on the safe side I’ll pad them with an extra few hundred. Just to keep them from breaking during shipping.

For yet another, I am an extremely lazy writer, and I did find that having a blog, with its implied throngs of five (dare I dream, ten?) readers out there in Internetsville, was a solid enough prompt toward actually finishing things — small things, in manageable doses, and with a beginning, a middle, and an end. Entries like that strike me as legitimately good writing practice, assuming you can actually pull one off and not just spend all your time posting photographs of your television. (Cough.)

AAAAand finally, blogging has helped teach me to edit myself on the fly, and to ask myself one all-important question: Is what I’m writing the least bit entertaining? Because if not, it’s basically a journal entry, and look, I’m okay with baring my soul and all, but I apply the same (previously) unspoken understanding to the blog that I do with most of my friends: I am perfectly happy to hear what’s troubling you on a deeply felt emotional level. Just not that often. Because — and this is very important — I’m friends with you because you’re fun to drink with and you’re smart and not irritating and you make me laugh. I’m also pretty sure that’s why most of my friends are friends with me. I’m thinking an absolute maximum of maybe one bout of soul-baring every month or two is about as much as I feel comfortable foisting on my real-life friends, and thus the same goes for the Internets.

See those three paragraphs? 445 words. One question. We’re gonna be here a while. Now’s your chance to jump ship while we’re still in sight of the shore.

Erin:
I like telling stories and making people laugh. I see things every day and it’s like the people that read our site are the invisible person standing next to me sharing the horror that is every fucking day. Not that every day is bad. No, things are actually very good. But it’s like this, I was in the stacks at work the other day and I found a 3 volume encyclopedia of philately and I immediately wanted to tell everyone I’d ever met. Byrneunit is kind of like that. It’s everyone I’ve ever met.

What do you talk about?

Brian:
Television, our baby, the cats, drinking, popular culture, shit that’s funny. One thing I love about blogging is that it’s a perfect outlet for publishing stuff that’s funny enough to say to a bunch of people, but not so capital-G Great that anyone would ever want to publish it in any legitimate medium. Yes, bloggers, I just insulted our entire milieu, just because it doesn’t kill trees to happen. There it is, out in the open: We are not rocket scientists, or the next generation of something. That doesn’t make us bad people. It just makes us narcissists.

Erin:
Television mostly. I love watching TV and I’m completely unashamed to say so. I think people who don’t watch TV and (GASP!) don’t have a TV are boring. They’re often quite full of themselves and look down their nose at those who do watch TV. It’s like Cool Whip, just because something is in bad taste, doesn’t mean it tastes bad.

I also write about other stuff, I guess. Stuff like my clothes and stuff that happened when I was a kid.

What don’t you talk about? Why?

Brian:
I don’t talk about my family. (The mom ‘n’ dad family, not the one E and I made.) I don’t want to say anything that would hurt their feelings, because they’ve got enough shit to deal with on a day-to-day basis without inadvertently booting up one day and discovering that my tenth birthday party was the moment my entire life began to slide inexorably downhill and it’s ALL THEIR FAULT. (It wasn’t, and it isn’t.) Plus my dad, at age 60, has suddenly discovered the Internets. I believe this is entirely because my mom bought a bitchen new iMac, mostly at my urging, making the fact that they now know we keep a blog at least partially my fault.

I also don’t talk about any bitchery E and I might have between us, because for one, it’s none of your goddamn business, and for another, it kind of seems like running to a bunch of strangers for sympathy, and that’s a cheap thing to do in a non-public forum, let alone one that’s, y’know, available for people in Chad to read over lunch. Plus it’d be kind of awkward to bitch about each other now that we’ve combined our blogs.

Also I don’t talk about work, because it’s really a terrible idea. Beyond the fundamentals, my boss and at least two of my coworkers read our blog, and since I work with a total of five other people, that’s a solid fifty percent saturation of the coworker market, and no amount of crafty syntax can disguise who you’re talking about in a situation like that. For example, if I said I had a problem with a female coworker, I’d immediately be down to two possible candidates. Both of whom read the site.

Erin:
I don’t talk about things that make me think too hard. I don’t talk about politics because I’m not really able to say anything other than “I hate Republicans” and that’s not exactly trenchant commentary. I don’t talk about things that are too personal, when I do talk about my family I keep it light. It’s nobody’s business. I’ve learned no to talk about work, I’ve gotten into quite a bit of trouble for that. I’ll go into it a little more with the next question.

Worst/best experience regarding something you wrote in your blog or put out on the net?

Brian:
One time I wrote an article for Salon (dude, I don’t know how it happened either) about going to a Tesla reunion tour concert at Incahoots in Oklahoma City, and it turned out pretty good, despite some decisions by the editor I now question, and so many people wrote nice e-mails that it made me feel like humanity can be worth having around. When somebody takes the time and makes the effort to say something nice to me, that seriously blows my mind. People are sooooo ready to say shitty things to each other, and that goes quintuple on the Internet, and so when the opposite happens, it’s always sort of touching to me. I’m kind of a sap. I should mention that.

I’m not sure about the worst, but I’d kind of rather not dwell on that, so if it’s all the same to you, let’s move on to the next question.

Erin:
The worst experience is all the shit that’s happened with my job. I’m still not going into it too deeply, but I know that a few people in the library system read my site and I know that the library administration is not at all happy with it. I used to talk about work more, little things like about how miserable I was and how working with the public depressed me. But I was called to the carpet for that, so I stopped. Then I was recently taken to task again because I called a state representative a choice name. So, yeah, everyone knows I’m a librarian, but that’s it. I’m leery of even talking about good things that happen. Well, other than the encyclopedia of philately.

As for the best experience, I guess it would be the people I’ve met and the opportunities I’ve gotten in knowing those people. All in all it’s a good experience. Like I said, I like making people laugh. However, I’m quite surprised that so many people do read my shit every day.

What is the other person’s best post evah? Which one of your own is your favorite?

Brian:
I really can’t name complete unmitigated best ever anythings, because my recall is so incredibly awful that I’m a hundred percent sure I’m forgetting six or seven better things. That said, I always liked this one of Erin’s a lot. It’s about her mother, who is a wonderful and loving and often singularly bizarre person, one whom I really never get tired of and honestly count myself lucky to know.

As for my own, there was this one time when a certain distinguished general of the Rebel Alliance came to an untimely end in our garbage disposal; that prompted a post I still enjoy.

Erin:
My favorite post of Brian’s is the one he did about Admiral Ackbar. We still have the Admiral on a shelf on the back porch, covered in his death shroud.

As for my own favorite, I’m always kind of enamored with the most recent one. Sarah Brown once said that reading your own stuff was like looking in a mirror. I’m quite pleased with the one I did about Where the Boys Are, but I also like the one about Last of the Mohicans. See, more TV. Well, movies on TV.

What does the other person do that bugs you super much and why do you love that about them?

Brian:
This almost doesn’t count, because it rarely bugs me. But: One of the things I love most about E is that despite the fact that she’s really not a very good singer — like particularly the part where you stay in a single key throughout the song, and it’s the same key the instruments are playing in. She loves to sing, though, and she does it often, in a hearty and spirited fashion. The only time it bugs me is when it’s during a song I’m trying to listen to. As for why I love that, it’s because it’s an expression of this completely unashamed and joyful part of her that makes her just radiate. It comes out when she reads books to little kids too, which is why she gives the best fucking story times in the world, ask any kid who went to one of hers.

Erin:
Brian is more patient than I am. I tend to jump into things without looking and he slows me down and makes me look before I leap. It drives me nuts though, because I just want to jump. For example, after I had a miscarriage, I wanted to get pregnant immediately because I thought that would make me feel better and everything would be perfect. Brian pointed out a litany of reasons that that was not a good idea, number one being that neither of us were ready for that. He was right and I was so pissed.

Favorite/worst thing about living where you live?

Brian:
The best thing about Tulsa is the retardedly cheap real estate, which allows us to have quite possibly the prettiest house we’ll ever live in. There are loads of beautiful houses from the 1920s in our part of town, almost enough to allow me to ignore the miles and miles of sad, disgusting Plano-like tract houses out South.

The worst thing about Tulsa is, I gotta say, Tulsans. Not all of them: There are some true jewels among the obese, hateful fundamentalists, but man, there sure are a lot more obese, hateful fundamentalists. Plus the heat and the tornadoes officially wore out their welcome with me roughly two decades ago. Give or take a decade. I am thirty years old, for clarification.

Erin:
Ah, Tulsa. It’s super cheap to live here. Like, insanely cheap. We have an awesome house that we’re able to live in without starving or going without prescription medication. Both of our families are here and it’s good to have that support system, especially now that HGB is here. I like Southern cooking and it’s quite abundant ’round these parts. Things are just slower here and it’s easy to go at your own pace.

However, easy is a wicked trap. It is easy to live here, but it also kinda kills your soul. Tulsa is still totally segregated and oh, oh, so Christian. It’s nearly impossible for me to imagine living in a city where the majority of the people share my political beliefs. Yes, technically Tulsa had a Democrat for a mayor and Oklahoma has a Democrat governor, but it’s a negligible amount of Democrat. Like traces of uranium.

The blue laws are insane here. The powers that be want to do all they can to keep liquor out of our hands. One of my favorite quotes is from Will Rogers who said “Oklahoma is the only state that staggers to the polls to vote dry.” But they took care of that because liquor stores are closed on election days; at least until the polls close. We wouldn’t want anyone drinking and voting.

I was wondering, do you ever watch American Idol or other base reality television?

Brian:
What could possibly prompt you to ask such a question?

Erin:
Fucken American Idol. Brian and I started watching it like, three years ago. But we just watched the auditions. But when it would go from Gong Show to Star Search we’d turn it off. But last year, I don’t know what happened. We didn’t turn it off. Every week it was just, like, “Well, might as well.” Then when it got to the top 12 and we were stunned to realize that we were, well, I don’t want to say emotionally invested, but we just had to ride that bitch out.

When this season rolled around there was some serious discussion about whether or not we could handle it. But then it started and there was never any question.

The only other reality show we watch is America’s Next Top Model and we’ve been on that ride since the beginning. Again, there was question as to whether or not we could commit this year, but who am I trying to kid?

How would your spouse describe you?

Brian:
Hmmmm. I don’t really know. I think she’d say I’m tall and kinda smelly, and that I spend too much time watching “The Core” on Showtime Extreme West Coast. But she’d also say nice things about me, because she’s nice like that. To me, anyway.

Erin:
He would say I’m funny. He’d say I’m cute. He’d say that I read a lot and that I’m a worrier. He’d also say that I’m killer at Trivial Pursuit.

Quick: ten words that start with B. Go!

Brian:
Burt
Bee
Big
Butt
Buzz
Ball
Bat
Bark
Bermuda
Bilk
Bear

That’s eleven, and I started to type a twelfth one, and then I realized I’d already said “Butt.”

Erin:
Banjo
Barnacle
Bunion
Bee
Bahamian
Buttcrack
Bum, Stew
Bronzer
Blister
Burr

If you were president of the US:

Brian:
ooooh man. (Sound of soapbox being dragged out from underneath sofa.) Okay, first and foremost, EVERYBODY GETS TO GO TO THE DOCTOR WHEN THEY’RE FUCKING SICK, PERIOD, BECAUSE WE’RE ALL FUCKING HUMAN BEINGS EVEN IF WE DON’T MAKE MUCH MONEY, YOU HORRIBLE HORRIBLE SOULLESS FUCKING CONGRESSIONAL ASSHOLES.

Second and foremost, the minimum wage goes up, up, up, until it’s enough to live on. This will drive prices up, and that’s fine, because you know what? If we all make more money, we can fucking afford to pay a tad more.

Third and foremost, we start sending one fruit basket a month to all the nations in the world that fucking moron frat boy in the White House and his cadre of pure evil have spent the past six years alienating, fucking over, or both. Eventually we call and say we’re sorry about the mess. Then we go from there.

Fourth and foremost, we bring back the trains, bitches. National passenger high-speed rail, and the automakers can eat a dick. Everybody takes public transportation whenever possible, and everybody fucking sucks it up and walks a little more, and oh my goodness look! Suddenly we’re not all quite so horrifyingly obese any more! How did this happen?

Fifth and foremost, somebody’s gonna figure out a system so we don’t have to put so goddamn many stray animals to sleep. If we’ve gotta repurpose farmland for a kitty refuge, so be it. People can come visit and marvel at the lack of avian and small rodent life.

Sixth and foremost, I would follow the example set by William Henry Harrison and Fidel Castro, and give speeches that last between four and nine hours. Or I’d pay somebody to do it, because man, I’m not sure I’ve got more than about forty-five minutes in me. And that’s with the fart jokes.

Seventh and foremost, Pat Robertson goes the fuck down and stays down. I don’t care what kind of charges we have to trump up for him. We’ll think of something.

Eighth and foremost, Rip Taylor gets a cabinet position, period. Not a briefing goes by without confetti from here on out.

I have several hundred more assertions like this, but trust me, it’s pretty much downhill from here.

Erin:
I’d dress up, eat shrimp cocktail, and watch a lot of TV.

Is it weird being a parent? Did it change your life?

Brian:
I guess it is weird, but generally I’m too busy marveling at how fucking precious our baby boy is. Seriously, he blows my mind on a daily basis. I can watch him look at stuff all day, and try and imagine what he’s thinking, how he’s putting stuff together. I love watching him enjoy very basic things, like when he vigorously pats horizontal surfaces. I love seeing the unvarnished happiness he gets when he learns to do stuff like sit up, which he did like, last week. He’s just so pleased about it.

And yeah, it did change my life, for the much much better. It has only begun to change my life. Years from now I will look back on this time and guffaw at how relatively little my life had changed nine months into the game. And then I will pull directly back on the throttle of my rocket car, sending it screaming into the stratosphere, because goddammit, it’s nearly two thousand fucking ten, and do you see my rocket car anywhere? What about yours? Anybody got a rocket car? We’ve been lied to, my friends. Lied to.

Erin:
Yes, it did change my life, but no, it’s not weird. It’s not weird because we’re still the same people we were only now there’s one more of us. It’s had a very positive effect on me. I’m more together, I don’t drink as much (there was a considerable amount of drinking before HGB came along) and I quit smoking. I get more done. I think that’s because I don’t sleep in on the weekends or if I do, it’s until, like, 8:30. Plus I have a much better picture of who I am and what I want from life. I could never live well for myself, but now I live well for him. He needs me to be my best. I guess that part is weird. It’s been so long since I’ve felt my best that it’s a little hard to adjust to. I’m all, do other people feel like this all the time?

Sometimes I miss my pregnancy heft. There was something so pleasing about it.

What is your day job?

Brian:
I work in public radio, and for this I am so lucky it’s pathetic. I honestly do not deserve a job this good.

Erin:
I’m a reference librarian. Up until recently I was a children’s librarian, but I like reference work a lot better. Every day I have to keep myself from going into the stacks and rubbing all over the books. We have the presidential papers all the way back to Washington. I take that back, for some reason we don’t have Coolidge, but still. Most of them. There’s a locked case full of old yearbooks and you have no idea how happy it makes me to know that I have access to the key. People call and ask questions and it’s my job to answer them and the truth is, I love to answer questions. Brian once said that this was a job I was born to do. I’d never thought of it like that, but he’s right.

What actor would play you in the movie of your life?

Brian:
God, y’know, we’ve been around and around on this, and I think at one point we decided it’d be Jason Lee, and I think I’m still all right with that. But spiritually, I think I’m more of a Walter Matthau. And by “think” I mean “know like I know the water is wet and the sky is made of air.”

Erin:
For a long time I said Alyson Hannigan. I guess it’s still her, but her acting is kinda suck. I can tell you who’d direct the story of my life. That’s David LaChappelle. I want my biopic to be encrusted with Swarovski crystals, as that is the only possible way to jazz up the life of a woman who, if she didn’t have to, would never leave her pajamas much less her home.

Favorite color:

Brian:
I don’t really have one. Green is high on the list, though. Let’s say green.

Erin:
A.S.C.O.B.

Favorite food:

Brian:
Sushi, oh sushi, oh my dear god how I love you sushi. If I found out I would only be able to eat one food for the rest of my life, I would weep for joy because hey! Sushi forever!

Erin:
Burritos.

When you were 10, what did you want to do when you grew up?

Brian:
A cartoonist. I have always nursed the suspicion that I had the right answer back then, and that I’ve been deluding myself ever since.

Erin:
Either a crane operator or a bride.

What do you hate?

Brian:
Greed, weakness, and bigotry. Also terminally melodramatic and self-centered people make me want to swing big heavy boards at them until they stop doing their thing.

Also, I really truly hate bad punctuation. And grammar. And I hate the TV news a real real lot, and I can’t keep talking about stuff I hate because I’ll be going all night.

Erin:
A lot. People say that hate is a strong word, but sometimes it’s the only one strong enough for how I feel, and sometimes it’s not at all strong enough. Ok, I hate religious fundamentalists and all they stand for, which is hatred and bigotry disguised as love and acceptance. I hate the way they give you that “Oh, pity” look when you tell them you don’t go to church. I hate it when people tell me to have a blessed day. I hate tabouleh. I hate eggplant. I hate it when I tell people that I hate eggplant and they say “Oh, but you haven’t tried my eggplant!” Well guess what, does it have eggplant in it? Because that’s the part I hate! I hate Tom Cruise (see religious fundamentalists). In Hell I would be eating eggplant with Tom Cruise for all eternity.

What do you love?

Brian:
Kitties, babies, baby kitties, also the dogs and the baby dogs as well. Animals, actually. I’ll go so far as to embrace the entire kingdom animalia, with the exception of the insects. And some of them are even okay. I love Scotch, the single-malt kind, because drinking each of the 85 or so different malts is like meeting a new, unique person, and though that’s the kind of crap people who write about Scotch say all the time, they say it because it’s true. Scotch is simultaneously your drinkin’ buddy and your drink.

I love people who make me laugh, and people who are fun to get drunk with as they make me laugh. I love, love, love to sing, and I wish I got to do it for people more often. I love smoking. Oh, man, I really love smoking. I’m gonna have to get past that one eventually, because I also seriously love our baby, and the smoking’s gonna start subtracting the time I get to spend with him before too long here. And y’know, the wife, she’s okay too, I guess.

Erin:
Quite a bit. I love Beverly Hills 90210. I love cheese fries with ranch and bacon (though they’re not my favorite food because favorite food implies that you could and would eat it every day. Cheese fries do not fall into that category) I love the water, but I would never scuba dive. I love answering questions. I love winning, especially when the game involves answering questions. I love my hair.

And if anyone is wondering why I didn’t list my family (including kitties) in my love list, that’s because I figured you guys already fucking knew that.

What about coffee?

Brian:
Christ, I forgot to mention how fucking much I love coffee. Please, please, please put that in there. It’s really important to me.

What do you want to tell other bloggers, if anything?

Brian:
Good luck to all of you. Please fucking punctuate your goddamn websites correctly.

Erin:
Don’t give me (or any of your readers) a list of what you did today. I know it’s your site and the whole point is to talk about yourself, but that doesn’t mean you should just pound out the contents of your DayRunner. Follow my handy dandy litmus test: If you don’t want to hear someone talking about it, chances are nobody wants to hear you talking about it.

Astounding facts about you:

Brian:
I am pleased to state, after reading the delightful Alice’s interview on this very site, that I am one of at least two otherwise semi-functional adults in this world that can not ride a bike. My reasons are pretty much exactly the same as hers: I just can not wrap my head around the idea of moving forward, in a non-car environment, while not walking. It totally freaks me the fuck out. Thus, roller skating, ice skating, skateboarding, snowboarding, skiing, and basically anything other than leisurely strolling are basically out. Do not pity me for this, as it’s very rare that I think about it.
– I am almost entirely deaf in one ear and working on the other; despite this, I maintain a very fine singing voice.
– When I was three years old I busted my head on a dashboard in a car accident, burned my left calf with an iron, had my appendix taken out, and had a bout with the whooping cough. On the other hand, I have never broken a bone or had a cavity. Draw your own conclusion from this.
– I’m pretty sure we’re told the future in our sleep, and we forget almost all of it when we wake up. (See aforementioned head injury for possible explanation.) It’s not something I like to talk about, because it’s kind of an insane belief, but just the same I believe it. I’m not kidding. Don’t ask me for details, though.

Erin:
How sad is it that I can’t think of one single thing? Quite.

Thank goodness that Henry was available for that question. Henry, could you please tell me something amazing about your mom?

Henry:
An astounding fact about my mom is that she has an encyclopedic knowledge of serial killers, and that she sometimes eats sauerkraut* directly from the jar for minutes on end. That’s two things, technically, but I don’t quite know my numbers yet, so cut me some slack.

* — “Smells like feet; tastes like heaven.” That’s a direct quote.

Are you Windows or Mac? Why?

Brian:
I am a large white male secular humanist, one who has always bought Macs. They’re just categorically better in every conceivable way, in a nutshell. Plus OSX never crashes. Like, never. Seriously, I’ve been using it since they first sold it in 2001, and the system has crashed like twice total. In five years.

Erin:
Mac. Brian.

Do you cook?

Brian:
I like very much to cook, and I almost never do. I never plan ahead to have the right ingredients, and I’m too slow to get anything done in the kitchen by mealtime.

Erin:
Yes. I tend to make the same things over and over. I don’t think I’m an excellent cook. I’m an OK cook. Brian complements me, but his taste buds are fried due to years of smoking.

What are you working on right now?

Brian:
There’s a little something-something I’m trying to put together at secretstar.org. Also I’m in a minor writing group (it’s kind of a drinking group, really), and we do little exercises that I find really helpful. (Stretching, mostly.) Also I’ve got the first nine to twelve pages of a novel written down. 388 to 391 pages to go!

Erin:
Getting a new job. As much as I like being a reference librarian, I need more money. I’m also working on writing more for myself. That’s hard though. I still can’t completely convince myself that people want to read what I have to say. We’re also working on moving. There are precious few job opportunities, so we must go out and seek our fortune.

What will you being doing next year?

Brian:
I have some very strong hopes and dreams that I can’t talk about on the Internets right now. Regardless of how they turn out, I’ll be marveling at the fact that our son will be almost two whole entire years old by then. Also Smudge will probably still be waiting on my cereal milk. (Smudge is a cat, not a roommate or cousin.)

Erin:
Hopefully I’ll be settled with my family in a new city with a fresh, new job. And I will have completed my matador training.

Tell me a secret.

Brian:
Sometimes while I’m on the phone I sneak into the bathroom and pee. Just pee though, never the other one. Unless I’m on hold with customer service.

Erin:
I was the Youth Poet Laureate of Oklahoma 1994.

What do you wish I had asked you that I didn’t?

Brian:
“What’s so bad about Anthony Kiedis, anyway?”

Erin:
Does this dress make me look famous?

Thanks, Brian and Erin!

Interview with Megan / Not Martha

Megan may not be Martha but you’d never guess that by looking at her website. She crafts, cooks, bakes and puts up some of the best links. Here is an entire page of great things to make. The projects all include pictures to help you figure out what your craft should end up looking like. (Totally helpful for people like me.) Thanks to her, many people on my Christmas list last year ended up with magnets. Who knows: I may even be brave enough to try bath bombs.

Blog Birthday:

May 22nd, 2001, it’s now a broken link

Why do you blog?

I do it to keep track of links and ideas I’ll want to reference later.

What do you talk about?

I don’t have a solid intention to keep a journal, but I do talk about stuff that is going on in my life, especially if there was a solution/idea/instruction online that I used, or something that might, possibly, be useful to somebody.

What don’t you talk about? Why?

I don’t talk about why I have not been posting because that is often boring, and leads to a deadly chain of “I’m so sorry…” posts. I don’t talk about work, that started because initially I was embarrassed to admit worked for a Big Evil Company, and now I work for myself, both feel too delicate to mention on my site..

Best experience regarding something you wrote in your blog or put out on the net?

People are really generous with information when I ask (it’s like my own Ask Metafilter power trip), even when it comes to tracking something down like a specific magazine. I think that’s awfully nice.

Favorite/worst thing about living where you live?

Good: It’s very liberal, and Dan Savage edits our weekly. So much great food. Bad: Months of wet darkness seep into your very soul. Note: I write this in early February, I feel differently in July.

Favorite color:

My least favorite color is blue – in the range from royal blue to navy blue – because I went to Catholic School for eight years where the uniform plaid was royal blue, and we were only allowed to wear navy sweaters. It’s rare that I own anything blue to this day. (Jeans don’t count, they are a strange sort of neutral.) You also will never find me owning a white button down shirt again. You’d think I would get over it, but I still unconsciously avoid blue. My favorite color of the moment is orange which, I feel I must point out, is opposite blue on the color wheel.

Favorite food:

Samoas, sorry Caramel DeLites. A certain chicken dish from Stino da Napoli in Ohio. Pizza from the short-lived Le Comptoir Rouge in Berkeley. Red wines.

What do you hate?

Not having inherited my genetically-nearby curly red hair.

Astounding facts about you:

I have never visited a Disney theme park.

What are you working on right now?

Buying a house. I am surprised to find I’m looking forward to buying real furniture and painting walls. It’s eerily like I’m in The Game of Life.

What do you do to stay sane and keep healthy?

Playstation games, on both accounts. I like the Splinter Cell games, and I have a pretty dorky fitness game that changes and gets more and more challenging.

What will you being doing next year?

Making my house worth more and then hiding in it.

Tell me a secret?

I don’t like cats. Well, I tell everybody I don’t like cats but I’m always happy to have one around. It’s complicated.

Thanks, Megan!

Here is a list of my own personal favorite posts and some of the most read entries:

2014
Slowly Fading
On “Fighting for Weight Loss”
Say One True Thing
When the Water Calls
Quick Trip to Seattle
I See You
What I Am
Pre-Order Heal Something Good
When the Water Calls
Storytellers
Say One True Thing
On Fighting for Weight Loss

2012
Golden Tree at Dusk, or Let in the Light
Remission

2011
True Love
In Defense Of Gwyneth Paltrow, or coming to terms with being racist
Mocha Momma on Race and Education, Interview
Grandma This Morning
Creative Humans Magazine, Issues 1&2

2010
Cutie Patooties
Slip Slidin’ Away, Mental Hospital
First and Last, Drug Abuse

2009
You Can’t Take Me Anywhere, On US of Tara Set
This Post is All About Me

2008
22 Reasons I’m Not Following You on Twitter
Apron Strings
Back to Myself
Vibrations
Ask Leahpeah, US of Tara Edition
Eavesdropper #2 Fiction
Muldoons 2009
It’s Not Always About You, Me.
Conversations Starter #1, Fiction
Sunday, Sunday SUNDAY, US of Tara Premier
Party Re-cap, Tara Premier Party

2008
Democrat in a Sea of Republicans, RNC Photos
Politics, Opinion
Cest la vie
Juan Valdez Trip to Colombia for Blogher: Day 1, Day 2 part A, Day 2 part B, Day 3, Day 4

2007
Crazy 2.0
Fruit Salad
Slice of Americana
I Aint Got no College Degree
I Was a Wrangler at Blogher ’07 Craft Panel with Amy Sedaris, Kristin Roach, Crafty Chica, Natalie Zee Drieu
LA Bloggers Live
Boys
You are No Fool, April or Otherwise, Guest Post by Brandon Rogers
16-year-old Girls
Four Conversations, Shooting at Virginia Tech
Alternate Ending
Different Than I Thought
My Guy
My Heart
Make Your Own Dress Pattern
Today He Can Buy Cigarettes and Vote and Go to War
Brassiere
Things Family and Friends Have Said To Me or About Me

2006
Running Away
Hair
Dressing for Success
The Lingo
13-year-old Hormones Boys
Speaking of Boys in Cars
5th Grade Health Class
A Story that Goes Nowhere
Stop Harshing on My Mellow
The Story of the Ants and the Exterminator
Ask Leahpeah ‘Questions’ Edition
The Together Painting

2005
Our Day with Birds in Virginia
Passed Out
When Did I Become the Worst Version of Myself?
Filibuster

2004
Union Station
13 Year Old Girls

2003
In My Little World
The Question Is
There Were Real Cloth Napkins in the Bathroom Interview of Gavin Kaysen for North Magazine

2002
For the Birds

Interview with Christopher Monks / Utter Wonder

Mr. CMonks has written wonderful stories all over the place. He’s married with kids, cares about his complexion and is in a post-school teacher place in his life. He might also be involved with a foreign woman named Trinka and quite possibly with her half-sisters as well. It’s been rumored that he’s actually Val Kilmer. But more likely is that he’s a super talented and very funny writer that is in infatuated with Star Jones. You can find his work at McSweeney’s, The Morning News and here and here and here. You can also buy his reasonably priced schtick here.

Blog Birthday:

September 17, 2002.

Why do you blog?

I started when I was a stay-at-home dad. It gave me something to do when I wasn’t changing diapers and attending toddler sing at the library. I’ve kept at it ever since, mainly because most of the feedback I get provides a good ego boost. (I’m a very fragile man.)

What do you talk about?

Pretty much anything: Politics, fashion,vacation highlights, poetry, robots.

What don’t you talk about? Why?

My real life. Most of my content is fictional. For instance, the past few months I’ve been writing about living in rural Denmark with my new lover Trinka and her three half-sisters, Dagmar, Salka, and Pietta. Despite it being written with heartbreaking poignancy, none of it is true. Every once in a while I’ll write about a real event, but I usually grossly exaggerate the details. My real life is only interesting to me, so I spare the world the boring particulars.

Worst/best experience regarding something you wrote in your blog or put out on the net?

The best experience is probably when little Levon, a leukemia patient from South Carolina, requested a lunch date with me for his Make-A-Wish wish. I was touched. Who knew my writing could touch the life of a little cancer boy? I mean, I knew, but others weren’t so sure, so this like totally showed them. Jerks. Plus the roast beef sandwich I ordered was fantastic.

The worst experience is detailed here. I also hate when I have glaring typos and/or grammatical errors. Thats an neverending problemm.

Favorite/worst thing about living where you live?

My favorite thing about where we live is that our house is on a private, dead end street that’s difficult for my stalkers to find me.

The worst thing about where we live is that our house is on a private, dead end street that’s difficult for my stalkers to find me.

If you were president of the US:

I’d finally get to the bottom of the whole Bigfoot thing. It’s gone on for far too long. Pisses me off.

How did the letters to Star Jones start?

There’s no great story. I just thought the idea of a bored, stay-at-home dad asking her mundane questions would be funny. But then I fell in love and everything changed.

What actor would play you in the movie of your life?

I don’t know, but whoever does will have to be extremely muscular and adept at magic.

Do you miss teaching?

I miss working with children and the camaraderie I had with colleagues. But I don’t miss the administrative/bureaucratic aspects of the job. I also don’t miss having to put fires out after lunch and recess.

Favorite color:

Aquamarine.

Favorite food:

Donuts.

Tell me about the Hall of Fame. How do you find them?

The way you phrase the question implies you think I go out and scour the streets for transients to sucker into joining my blog’s Hall of Fame. It’s not like that all. I have an unpaid intern who scours the streets for me. His name is Luke and he kind of looks like an otter.

Actually, the UWHOF started because somebody took objection to me using their photograph on my site and demanded I remove it. So I decided to honor those people who weren’t afraid of showing themselves on Utter Wonder. Over forty people have been brave and courageous and intestinal fortitudinal enough to do it. Most of them just see it as an opportunity to promote their own blog or writing career, but whatever, I can live with that; as long as it makes me look like a successful and popular blogger, I’m happy.

When you were 10, what did you want to do when you grew up?

I wanted to be a baseball player in the daytime and a private investigator at night. Thus far I’m 0 for 2.

What do you hate?

All of society’s ills: racism, homophobia, poverty, sexism, Joe Theismann.

What do you love?

My family, the Miami Dolphins, Dean Smith, Zooey Deschanel, birdies, ultimate fighting, and anything with frosting. Not necessarily in that order.

Do you cook?

Yes.

What do you want to tell other bloggers, if anything?

Why haven’t you linked to me yet? I don’t understand it. I’ve sent you glowing email after glowing email telling you how funny and/or important your blogs are, yet still there is no link to Utter Wonder (http://www.utterwonder.com). I’ll link back to you. Promise.

Oh, and follow your dreams.

Astounding facts about you:

1. I enjoy television.

2. I have never lost a fistfight.

3. I once swapped a pair of black penny loafers for Ben Affleck‘s pair of maroon penny loafers. I was eighteen and it was one of the worst mistakes of my life. His shoes were a size bigger than mine. This made me feel inadequate in more ways than you can fathom.

Are you Windows or Mac? Why?

Windows. Too many anti-Microsoft people confuse being anti-Microsoft with saving the world. I find that annoying. I like Macs, though, too.

How would your wife describe you?

Beautiful. Gifted. Powerful. Unemployed. Mediocre-at-best vacuumer.

How would your new lover Trinka‘s three half-sister’s describe you?

Same as above, but substitute “Mediocre-at-best vacuumer” for “above-average vacuumer.”

What are you working on right now?

Various writing projects that I won’t go into any detail about for fear of jinxing them.

What will you being doing next year?

Hating myself for jinxing all those failed writing projects I was working on the previous year.

Is C even your first name or are you really Val Kilmer?

The first letter of my name is C. Other letters follow it, but there are a lot of them, so in the interest of equity I won’t mention each by name. As for the Val Kilmer rumors, they’re just that: rumors. I don’t know how they started, but once they did it was like wildfire, and before you could say “severe self-esteem issues” I was telling everyone I was Val Kilmer. It was cool at first because Val Kilmer has great hair and he’s slept with Cher. But after a while it got kind of old. Plus I couldn’t handle all the weight fluctuation. Regardless, no matter what anybody tells you, I am not Val Kilmer. I am C (followed by some other letters) Monks and nobody else. And should we meet by chance at a party or international dog show and I try to convince you that I am Val Kilmer, simply stay calm and call for help. Things will get sorted out shortly thereafter.

Tell me a secret?

I’m Val Kilmer.

What do you wish I had asked you that I didn’t?

“Why are you crying?”

Thanks, Mr. Monks!

Interview with Melissa Summers / Suburban Bliss

Melissa Summers feels like she just might communicate better in writing than speaking. She is married to a robot affectionately named Logan and has a couple of kids who are pretty dang cute. In her blog she talks about the full gamut of subjects including her feelings regarding weight, specifically hers, and raising kids, specifically hers, and is honest enough to admit when she might have made a mistake. She’s been quoted/mocked by the New York Times and writes for Blogging Baby. She was invited to Amsterdam and frequently mixes kids and alcohol. I ask you, what is not to Love?

Why do you blog?

One day I’ll come up with a nice answer for this question. I blog because it’s what any writer wants, an audience to read what they have to say. Only I don’t have to beg a publication to display my message.

And so, I write because I have something I want to say. The fact that sometimes I can say something in a way that makes a feeling or a point of view make sense to someone else. It’s an amazing feeling to be understood and to help people understand even themselves sometimes.

What do you talk about?

Since I started writing for Blogging Baby I’m writing a lot less about my kids at Suburban Bliss. I’m feeling myself tripping into the mundane and that needs to change. Stat.

What don’t you talk about? Why?

I’m not supposed to mention my in laws, but even saying that violates that policy. Oops! Prepare for vehement hate mail Leah.

I try very hard not to talk about arguments my husband and I have and any not as nice traits he has. It’s not fair and it’s unkind. On the other hand, I’ve given my readers (and some hate mailers) the idea that my husband is perfect. He’s perfect for me, but he is far from perfect.

Worst/best experience regarding something you wrote in your blog or put out on the net?

I’ve said things about my in laws which did bite me in the ass but I don’t feel badly about those things, except that it caused my husband pain. All the things I wrote, I’d said to them face to face so none of it came as a shock. I had nothing to lose in writing about what happened between us.

However, I made fun of a family member’s new baby’s name. It was when my site was just 5 months old and I had 50 readers. I didn’t think they’d ever see it, but they did (as people ALWAYS will. They ALWAYS will. Always.). I find it hard to believe they didn’t know their son’s name would get them some ribbing but I would never, ever make fun of someone’s child’s name to their face and therefore I should never have done it on the internet. Lesson learned.

The best thing has been, God so many things. Last year was really hard for us financially and people were so kind while I talked my way through it and figured my way out of it. Along the way people even helped, like Crouching Hamster who gave me a free plane ticket to Blogher. That conference was a really good experience for me.

Favorite/worst thing about living where you live?

I love being close to family and good friends. I love living near our little downtown, a couple of blocks from the library and the Farmer’s Market. One block further to our favorite brew pub. Eight blocks from the zoo. It’s not a bad place to raise kids, I just wish our particular neighborhood had more families and a few less homeless people roaming. I thought the suburbs didn’t have homeless people?

I love having seasons, but I wish spring and fall were the longest seasons here. The thing I hate most about living here is the fact that the entire economy is supported by the auto industry. As the industry fails everything else fails in a trickle down effect. I want to leave, Logan wants to stay.

If you were president of the US:

Worst case scenario: something very bad would happen. Otherwise, not very much would happen because I’ve always been able to see both sides and I think that can be crippling as a leader.

What actor would play you in the movie of your life?

Pam Grier because I’d really like to see her challenge herself as a character actress and win an Oscar.

What is it about your husband that makes him a robot?

It’s the titanium cladding and the lithium battery.

I had a very difficult childhood, more difficult than I’ve ever been able to express in writing. When difficult things come up, I throw my hands up and count myself out. Unfortunately, pretty much all of life is difficult when you have no ability to endure left in you.

I am constantly amazed at my husband’s ability to plow through the hard stuff. This manifests itself in big things like postpartum depression (mine, not his…robots don’t get depressed). Physically challenging things, like marathons. And small things like sleeping 3 hours after a night out and then going to the zoo with the kids for 5 hours.

Robotic.

Favorite color:

I really like brown with blue right now.

Favorite food:

I love all food. I’m glad I’m not dating because I’d sound like a behemoth. At this moment I could really go for some peanut chicken on noodles.

When you were 10, what did you want to do when you grew up?

An interior designer or kindergarten teacher.

I started in both those programs at school. The interior design thing was scrapped when I realized I had no imagination. The kindergarten teacher thing, it would have been a crime against humanity to put me in charge of a room full of 5 year olds.

What do you hate?

People who warm their car up outside my house with the radio blaring when they’re not even in the car.

What do you love?

Sleeping in.

What do you want to tell other bloggers, if anything?

There’s this ‘popular blogger’ debate I keep hearing. All blogs have value if they have 4 readers or 4,000. You just have to keep writing what you love and the people who are supposed to be reading it and the people who are important to you will find it.

Astounding facts about you:

In the third grade I designed a Girl Scout patch for our region’s big camping event. All the campers from Southeastern Michigan voted on which should be manufactured and mine was picked.

Guess where it is now? No really guess, because I have no idea and would like to find it.

Are you Windows or Mac? Why?

I really think Macs are sexy and I realize that’s me falling for all the Apple advertising, but when I get into bed and look over at that little lit up apple on the iBook….all that other stuff just melts away.

Really, Logan is a creative in an ad agency (which means they get ice cream and a ping pong table) and has only ever had Macs and would divorce me if I brought a Windows machine into our marriage.

We have a similar agreement protecting him from pickled produce and mayonnaise, all things he hates with equal passion.

What stuff does he agree to protect you from?

I think he believes he’s protecting me from the pickled produce as well.

But he’s wrong.

Tell me about how much you love being called a mommy blogger and what it means to you.

I don’t like anyone but my children to call me Mommy and even then it gets old now that they’re 5 and 7. When Logan wants to make me gouge his eyeballs out he calls me Mommy.

I’m dreading sitting through the topic at Blogher because I’ve heard all the arguments for being called a “mommy blogger” and why we should stick it to the man by walking around calling ourselves Mommy.

To me the term, even if people try to change it’s meaning by showing that the “Mommies” have important voices, is still a verbal pat on the head. On the other hand, it’s probably like Chick Lit and will remain forever and ever.

Who knows maybe next year I’ll be referring to myself as Mommy in the third person.

What kind of stuff do you sell in your shoppe? And why does it need the extra pe?

We did some notepads Logan came up with like some he made me for Valentine’s day the year before. I tease him that he’s not a funny writer but he came up with some funny tag lines for those pads. He wants to do more things but between his career and his freelance work, what he really means is he wants me to do more stuff.

The extra -pe is because I wish I was Canadian. If Canadians don’t actually put the -pe on shoppe, don’t tell me.

How would your husband describe you? How about your kids?

I think Logan would say, “I think sometimes I love her more than she loves herself.” Sadly, that may be true. Must work on that but for now at least one of us thinks I’m awesome.

Max would say, “My mom has soft skin and smells great” which is sort of what I’d want to say about him.

Madison is just beginning to realize how imperfect I am and I am sad about this because I thought I had until she was 10 or 11. She’s very smart intellectually but she’s a genius emotionally. She would say, “She’s way less fun than Dad.” Which is also very true, but he’s a robot so whatever.

What are you working on right now?

I’m trying to decide if I even want to pursue publishing off the internet. Part of me feels like maybe this is enough and maybe this is what I’m good at, why force something else?

But then every time someone asks me to write something for them off the internet I begin pummeling my brain again with the option.

What will you being doing next year?

It’s hard to say right now. Someone told me that the internet functions in light years, and so far I’ve found that to be true. Things happen so fast.

Next year though the kids are both going to be in school everyday for at least a half a day and I’m even debating sending Max for the full day version. I have to stop writing about it because the joy is too much.

Oh ya. By the way. How was Amsterdam?

I spent the first 3 days spinning in circles saying, “Holy Shit I can’t believe I’m here!” over and over. Then I spent the last two days racing around trying to absorb as much as I could, which meant I got lost. A lot.

I can’t wait to go back with Logan. He needs to be there.

Tell me a secret?

I hate secrets so the only secrets I have are the ones which must remain secrets. For now at least.

What do you wish I had asked you that I didn’t?

I wish you’d asked me who my favorite dad bloggers are.

Daddy Types
Sweet Juniper
Laid-Off Dad

Thanks, Melissa!

Interview with Schmutzie

Schmutzie is married to the Fiery One and they have a cat named Oskar. She writes all about her wonderful life at Milkmoney or Not, Here I Come. Schmutzie speaks candidly about her varied (sometimes wonderfully sordid) past and opens the door for us to peak into her varied (sometimes wonderfully sordid) present. It’s not often that you find someone so willing to share what others would refer to as skeltons in the closet. But to Schmutzie, they are just experiences that have made her into who she is today and she writes about them to get to know herself better. You can see her photos here. Oh, and she also sports individually dextrous second toes.

Blog Birthday:

August 25, 2003.

Why do you blog?

The Fiery One started blogging earlier in 2003, and until that point I had never heard of blogging. I had never lived in a house with a computer before then. He introduced me to reading Mimi Smartypants, who was followed by Luvabeans, and I was hooked. Before then, I had always written in notebooks, but I was plagued by self-doubt and the resulting so-called writer’s block.

I saw this online format as an excellent way to get me writing. It had an instant audience, even if that audience consisted of five people and a comment spammer. It wasn’t the idea of fame that drove me, because I had no notion at the time of internet-specific fame; it was the idea of having a writing goal that was more immediate and active. And it worked. I have never written more both on- and offline since I started blogging.

What do you talk about?

I talk about the Fiery One, our pets, my past, how my skin still breaks out; basically, it tends to be all about me. The entries shift from mundane things like my bouts with insomnia or my cat to more personally moving issues such as my conflicts with my religious upbringing or gender.

What don’t you talk about? Why?

There are a lot of things I don’t discuss on my website. Before I had a really good sense of boundaries and issues with privacy on the internet, I wrote more about the family I was born into, but now I write very little about that, because they deserve more than my issue-driven, one-sided interpretations might sometimes afford them.

I also leave most of mine and the Fiery One’s relationship out of it, because that subject matter is as deeply personal for him as it is for me. It’s not my story to tell all by myself. It’s one thing for me to write about his fondness for stinky fish products, but it’s quite another to write that he has a penchant for exposing himself to field mice.

In the end, what I decide not to write about is a matter of understanding what is public and what is private in my offline relationships. Sometimes that line is fuzzy, and if it is, then I usually won’t.

Worst/best experience regarding something you wrote in your blog or put out on the net?

The worst and the best both stemmed from the same thing. My best experience was when I finally had the courage to begin writing about my issues with gender, and I was fully expecting some backlash when I did it, because I am married and a woman, but my comments section saw none of the nastiness that I expected. People were so welcoming, so positive. I received e-mails from people who were trangendered, gender fluid, who had a parent who was transexual, who had no personal experience with my type of situation but were genuinely curious, etc.

I had braced myself for the worst and found so much acceptance and encouragement. It was something I never expected after thirty-two years of keeping mostly mum about it, and I knew a relief like none I’ve ever felt. In acknowledging it, I allowed it, I gave myself permission to be what I am and be happy in it. I was no longer under its thumb in quite the same way.

It was also my worst experience on the internet, because shortly after I came out online, I found out that I was being discussed on several forums, most of which would not allow me to join and see what was going on. It was like elementary school recess when the in-crowd would talk about you in a little circle on the other side of the playground.

It hurt, because after a life of hiding and feeling like an outcast, it felt as though I was being cast out by the very groups I felt I should belong to. Now I know better. The administrators who denied me were shitheads, and maybe the people in the forums didn’t even know I was being denied access. I originally felt like I had been rejected by hundreds of people, but now I know that that number is likely closer to ten or twenty.

Favorite/worst thing about living where you live?

I live in a small city of about 200,000 people. At least, that’s what our government claims, but I am inclined to think that this whole place is like a Flintstones episode where the scenery and background characters just keep repeating themselves as I go from place to place. I’m guessing that our population is no more than a thousand. I say that because this city feels like a small town where everybody knows everybody else or has at least played judge and jury through grapevine evidence.

It’s not unbearable, though. I moved here almost five years ago to live with the Fiery One, and that alone makes it worth it. I have also met some wonderful people and experienced a creative flowering and confidence in myself that I never had before. I would do it all again. Although, if someone’s willing to cough up enough money for an airstream camper and a vehicle to pull it, I will be out of here in about three seconds flat.

If you were president of the US:

What a crazy question to ask of a biologically female Canadian who was raised a pacifist, but I’ll give it a shot: I would legalize abortion across the board, none of this state by state legislation crap, and not because I love killing babies, but because I can’t abide by legally enforced religion-based morals that masquerade as law over a diverse population; the only schools that could suppress the teaching of evolutionary theory or introduce intelligent design to the curriculum would be privately run religious institutions that receive no public funding, because freedom of religion does not mean unscientific religious belief should dictate science taught in secular schools; I would insist on a public health care system that served everyone and not primarily the rich and the healthy.

What actor would play you in the movie of your life?

I would like Jodi Foster to do it, because she’s hot but plain and difficult to guage. Jeanine Garafalo’s goofy but straightforward attitude works, too. Thora Birch in “Ghostworld” describes part of my personality if we travel back ten years and pretend that I was ever cool. None of these women look like me, but they can do wonders with make up in the film industry. If they can fake a bit of an overbite and a couple of Drano burn scars, then it won’t be a problem.

Favorite colour:

Black primarily, because it goes with everything and can be dyed to look like new again. Off greens are a close second. Orange, if it’s a nice autumny shade.

Favorite food:
The Fiery One’s curried cauliflower recipe rocks an entire week of taste memory, if not more. E-mail me if you want the instructions.

When you were 10, what did you want to do when you grew up?

I wanted to be a writer. I wanted to write fiction and non-fiction and poetry and letters and children’s books. It has always been the only thing I could envision for myself.

What do you hate?

At first I wanted to say that I hate nothing, because it is such a strong word and so absolute, but come to think of it, there are a few things: I hate child abuse; I hate that I make less and receive less respect at work because I am female; I hate that I can already feel how I am being slowly dismissed as a whole woman because I am married and in my thirties; I hate our culture’s obsession with youth that has our media and ourselves dismissing so many important segments of society; I hate that I still get acne at 33.

What do you love?

I love a freaking million things: the deep sense of the importance of honesty that my upbringing gave me, the Fiery One, my pets, short hair, that ugly things are often surprisingly the most beautiful, that pacifism kicks so much ass, that writing well matters, beer, ass-kicking boots, funky glasses.

Do you cook?

I do, if it involves boiling pasta or eggs or baking potatoes. I’m serious, that’s my repertoire. I had an ugly introduction to cooking. When I asked why I should learn to, I was told that I was going to be someone’s wife one day and that I needed the skill to find a good man. In my usual reactionary fashion, I refused to learn, and I kind of regret it now, but I have a mental block about it. It all just looks like a really hard lesson in trigonometry to me, so I often end up eating toast or ordering in.

What do you want to tell other bloggers, if anything?

If you blog, and especially if yours is a personal blog, treat it like that friend that you didn’t want to invite to a family dinner or work function but who might show up anyway, stumbling drunk and speaking out of turn. Because if blogs were human beings, they would absolutely embody the lowbrow friend with boundary issues who tells your father that your wedding dress might just have to be a little off-colour, like maybe a little black.

Astounding facts about you:

I have individually dextrous second toes. I had a near-death experience when I was nine. I won a beer-guzzling contest once. I accidentally found myself in audience with a wild bear and lived.

Are you Windows or Mac? Why?

I’m Windows, because I am familiar with it and for no other reason. Politically, I would love to say that I’m a Mac, though.

How would your husband describe you? How about your parents?

My husband. That’s a funny one. I have an aversion to the word husband, because it is such a loaded word. Anyway… My best hope is that he would describe me as loving, supportive, intelligent, goofy, and strong, although he could probably throw in neurotic, self-involved, and angry.

I have little idea how my parents would describe me. I think that they would speak well of me. I believe they do, even though I have given them little reason to. (Update: the Fiery One insists that I add “hot” to his list).

What are you working on right now?

I always hate this question, because my answer doesn’t change too wildly from year to year. I will be writing still, only I would like to try to get something published. I have found photography, and I will be doing that as well. My goal is to be doing basically the same things but better than the year before. Also, if I manage to pay off my student loans by mid-2007, I might be able to take another class on my now 12-year road to an English degree. My education has been a slow process, but I will have that degree hopefully at some point before I’m fifty.

Are you comfortable talking about your past? Specifically, your various psychological disorders, any anti-depressant use and successes with any of it?

My past is always difficult to think about and especially to discuss, because it involves so many other people, including my family, and I want to be truthful while also being fair to those involved. Still, I welcome the opportunity to talk about it. Until I put something down into the written word, I sometimes have a hard time grasping my subject matter, so it helps me sort things out. Also, my writing about my past, especially the messy parts, elicits a strong and overwhelmingly positive response from readers, and I think that’s because a lot of deeply personal issues aren’t openly discussed much outside of arenas with agendas, like therapy or self-help books.

During my twenties, I started seeing psychiatrists. I went through three or four of them and each of them gave me a different diagnosis: manic-depressive, schizoid affective, and paranoid schizophrenic. I found it frustrating, because it became clear to me that these were overly general descriptions to justify pharmaceutical prescriptions, and I was given very little hope for myself outside a regimen of drugs.

I disagreed with that then for what I was experiencing, and I disagree with that now. I tried several different medications, and I found that although they did help with the symptoms I had (paranoia, depression, anxiety, and hallucinations, to name a few), they also gave me a whole batch of new ones to contend with.

I didn’t want to waste my time learning to deal with the new mask of symptoms when I had a set of real ones waiting behind them that were still a mystery to me and were a whole lot more personal. I always felt vaguely unsettled on meds. It felt as though there were thoughts and feelings going on behind the drugs that I was unable to access. I had to make a choice between feeling technically okay but shut off behind a glass wall, or feeling like a mess but being able to actually experience my thoughts and feelings. I chose to be less well but more present.

I am not saying that this is what psychiatry and medication does to everyone, and frankly, I am envious of those for whom that system works, but my experience was unpleasant, and I had to leave it behind. I may explore that avenue again in the future if I come to a point that necessitates it, but for now I am remaining pharmaceutical-free, neurotic, sometimes depressed, often happy, creative, and present.

Are you comfortable talking about your experience with getting your secondary sex characteristics?

I loved the term “secondary sex characteristics” when I was in elementary school sexual education class. It was so clinical sounding to me and removed me from the terrifying reality of my body’s impending change. I was small for my age, the smallest kid out of a grade with seventy-six students, and I held out this small hope that I had some kind of rare medical condition that had arrested my development. It was not to be.

I was a late bloomer, though, which I am glad for, because it gave me a few more years to live without breasts and hips and body hair. I got my first period six days before my fourteenth birthday, and it was one of the most depressing events of my young life. I remember sitting with my new box of baby-powder-scented maxi-pads in the upstairs of my grandparents’ house and thinking that I hated their smell, that I hated the way my period smelled mixed with it, that this could not be but absolutely was my body now and forevermore.

I was horrified. I always felt like the word girl wasn’t so gender-specific, because my body and the bodies of my male friends looked pretty much the same, but woman was something I had always been sure I was never going to be. I had envisioned an adulthood for myself that involved suits and oxford dress shoes and short tidy hair. It did not involve this box of maxi-pads.

I didn’t grow much in the way of breasts until I was fifteen, but I covered what I could with large shirts and sweaters and wore tight bras to flatten them out. It felt disgusting to have anyone look at them, because I was disgusted by them. On the one hand, I could see that they were quite attractive as breasts went and was glad that they weren’t the mismatched pair that my friend had, but on the other hand, they were not mine and felt more like disfiguring growths on a body that wanted to be something else.

I’ve learned to live with this body and enjoy what it has to offer, but I still feel strange having the word woman applied to me, although man is not it, either. I am some kind of somethingorother. It took me a long time to understand that I was not one or the other and that that is okay. In fact, I see it as a gift, because I’m not so crazy about gender and the man/woman divide and all the ensuing crap that comes with it.

The middle road isn’t boring if it’s a little twisted. In the words of Genesis Breyer P-Orridge and Lady Jaye Breyer P-Orridge from the piece (S/HE IS HER/E) (the link is not work-safe): “Stop being possessed by characters written by others.”

Tell me a secret?

I still like AC/DC‘s “Back in Black” album.

What do you wish I had asked you that I didn’t?

Nothing. You have been a perfectly delightful host.

Thanks, Schmutzie!

Interview with Angela/Fluid Pudding

Angela, better known as Fluid Pudding, has a writing voice like a good wine – it’s mellow and warm with a hint of snark and a finish of wit that cuts straight to your heart. She and I have a few things in common (18,41,50,52,61,62,65,71,72,78,90,99,100). She has a deep appreciation for scrambled eggs. She knits! She plays the French Horn! She comes in the complete Fluid Pudding Family set with husband, two daughters, two cats and requires very little assembly. She has a degree in psychology which she could pull out at any moment if she wanted to, so watch it.

Blog Birthday:

September 19, 2001

Why do you blog?

I used to spend hours sitting in coffee dumps and writing wordy hollow letters to friends. Maintaining Fluid Pudding has enabled me to continue writing drivel, but now I don’t have to put on tights or buy stamps.

What do you talk about?

My quirky kids, my princely husband, my mystifying life, and girls who wear dirty underpants.

What don’t you talk about? Why?

I don’t talk politics, and I don’t tell family secrets. Fluid Pudding is meant to be uncongealed. I don’t want to piss anyone off.

Worst/best experience regarding something you wrote in your blog or put out on the net?

Worst: I once wrote about the bad service I received at a restaurant. As a result, Those Who Take All Things Seriously posted my (mostly exaggerated) story onto both a childfree message board and a service employee message board. I spent the next few days receiving comments like “Die, Fucking Fat Cow Breeder!” Ironically, I’m now considering starting up a line of maternity wear called “Fucking Fat Cow Breeder.” Details to follow, Sistahs!

Best: After mentioning that I had been blasting Frank Bango albums into my uterus via headphones, Frank Bango actually sent an e-mail and a copy of his latest CD to “Pudding Pop.” I’m always amazed by the kindness that flows in my direction as a result of Fluid Pudding.

Favorite/worst thing about living where you live?

Our house is less than five minutes away from Jeff’s work, meaning he is able to come home nearly every day for lunch. That is definitely the best thing. Unfortunately, we’re also less than five minutes away from a saloon that sometimes features spaghetti wrestling. The temptation is almost too much to handle.

If you were president of the US:

I would start each day by listening to Kurtis Blow‘s “If I Ruled the World.”

What actor would play you in the movie of your life?

Either Parker Posey or Zach Braff.

Favorite color:

Red-Orange.

How did you manage to have your appendix removed while pregnant?

That was a tough one. I didn’t want to be anesthetized, because the anesthesiologist spooked me with all of his “risky for the baby” speeches.

Me: Okay. Let’s do it without anesthesia.
Surgeon: Uh, yeah. No.
Me: Seriously. Stick a towel in my mouth and do the old slice and suck as fast as you can. Let’s pretend we’re in Civil War times! C’mon, Soldier!
Surgeon: (Crickets chirping)
Luckily, the surgery was quick and easy, and the baby was monitored throughout.

So, there was no pain killer?

They tried to use a local anesthetic, but it didn’t numb me, so they had to put me out. (Part of me wonders if they really put me out because I kept raising my head to see if I could watch the surgery. I think that freaked them out a bit.)

Favorite food:
Burritos with pinto beans!

Yea! A Ben Folds fan! < -- not really a question.
His first name is engraved on the inside of my wedding ring…

When you were 10, what did you want to do when you grew up?

I wanted to be the prettiest record reviewer for Rolling Stone magazine.

What do you hate?

Anything having to do with Carol Channing and/or carob. People who don’t appreciate individual differences. Raisins.

What do you love?

Hazelnut cappuccinos, audio books read by the author, Dorothy Parker poems, and listening to My Bloody Valentine while driving to Sonic for a Diet Cherry Limeade.

What do you want to tell other bloggers, if anything?

It’s hard out here for a pimp.

Astounding facts about you:

1. I can slice a banana without touching it. I mean, I touch the peel, but not the edible part. It’s magical and sexy all at the same time!
2. I once won a contest because I was able to identify every piece of music included on the Hooked on Classics medley.
3. I never face the water while taking a shower. Never. If the water suddenly turns to blood, I don’t want to get it in my eyes.

Are you Windows or Mac? Why?

Windows, but I’m not terribly loyal. I used a Mac while living in Nashville, and I loved it.

How would your husband describe you? How about your daughters?

Me: Jeff, how would you describe me?
Jeff: Intelligent, sardonic, biting.
Me: Crazy Sexy Cool?
Jeff: (Again with the crickets)
Me: Meredith, what do you think about me?
Meredith: Mommy, I hate fishes. I want to blow those candles out.
Me: Harper?
Harper: Right now I mainly see you as the two mammary glands that feed me, but I’m sure I’ll eventually see you as both an authority figure and a friend. Are we done yet? Feed me.

What are you working on right now?

I’ve been knitting my first sock and devising a plan on improving my level of marketability.

What will you be doing next year?

Eating burritos and dancing, I suppose.

Why are you afraid of popcorn?

If I eat it after dinner, I have nightmares. Serious nightmares. Driving off the edge of a cliff and drowning in my car nightmares.

You play the French Horn? You play the French Horn!

I do! At least, I did!

#57 on your list of things about you makes me feel slightly ill. However, I am compelled to ask why.

Whenever I eat scrambled eggs, I find myself thinking, “So light! So fluffy! So warm!” This naturally flows into “Fluffy and warm! Just like a pillow and a blanket! If they weren’t so messy, I would cover my bed in warm scrambled eggs! Wait! The bathtub! I could nap in a bathtub filled with warm scrambled eggs!” The only reason I haven’t actually tried it is because I have no way of keeping the tubbed eggs warm while I continue to cook more eggs. I fear it would take a lot of eggs to fill a bathtub. Hundreds! Maybe thousands, depending on desired depth!

Tell me a secret?

I absolutely hate looking into mirrors.

Bonus secret: I can’t pee into a cup without getting urine all over myself.

What do you wish I had asked you that I didn’t?

May I send you a Starbucks gift card?

Thanks, Angela!

Interview with Alice Bradley / Finslippy

Alice Bradley, wife to Scott, mother to Henry and walker of Charlie, not only writes, she writes brilliantly. Her blog posts give you such a realistic view of her life that you sometimes laugh, sometimes cry but always are glad you stopped by. (I’m sorry – that rhymed) She’s had her fair share of struggles and is brave enough to write about them blatantly and openly in her blog where someone else might benefit. Alice, whose work has been published in literary journals such as the Berkeley Fiction Review, Fence magazine, and the auspicious Rubber Band Society Gazette, was nominated for a 2006 bloggie for ‘Best Writing of a Weblog.’ It couldn’t have happened to a nicer finslippy.

Blog Birthday:

January 27, 2004

Why do you blog?

You know when you went to parties in high school, and there was always that one girl who was drunk but probably acting more drunk than she was, and she was staggering around spilling drinks on people and announcing anytime anyone would look at her, “Oh my God, I am WASTED!”? That’s me, only on the Internet.

In all seriousness, the reasons keep changing. At first it was to show off how clever I can be. Then it was to see how many interesting things I could say about a life I found fairly boring. And then it was to connect with this incredible community that seemed to arrive out of nowhere. Imagine writing something down and the next day a big group of people ring your doorbell and tell you that they feel exactly the same. That sounds creepy, actually. Thank god they haven’t figured out where I live yet.

What do you talk about?

What my life is right now.

What don’t you talk about? Why?

If I were using pseudonymous I would have a great time mocking the various relatives who drive me up a wall, but I chose to put my name out there, and they read the blog, and as much as they drive me crazy I also love them. So I’m stuck making fun of only me. I feel like I can make fun of my mom, though. I’m not sure why I think that.

Also, I try not to make the blog about Henry as much as it is about my experience of Henry. It’s a fine line, and you could point out posts that are probably about Henry and ask me what in hell I’m talking about, but there’s a line that I sometimes cross in my writing, and then I back away from it. It’s a comfort thing. If I’m talking too much about Henry for a few posts I will move on to something else. Which is tough, because he’s way more interesting than I am.

Worst/best experience regarding something you wrote in your blog or put out on the net?

Let’s start with worst! That would be when I hurt my family with a post I had written about one particularly tough Thanksgiving. I hadn’t written anything overly critical—it was more about my withdrawal from anxiety meds than anything that happened—but the people who commented, while trying to be sympathetic, savaged my family. As a result, they felt attacked.

There have been so many great experiences with things I wrote in the blog; it’s hard to pick one. It’s amazing whenever I write something and get a strong reaction. My post on Henry’s food issues, when I received so much amazing feedback—it felt life-changing. With every comment I could let go a little more of trying to make my kid the perfect eater. All the commenters said I couldn’t possibly read every comment, but I did. I was hanging on every word.

Favorite/worst thing about living where you live?

We are a block away from the Brooklyn Museum, the Brooklyn Botanic
Garden, the library, Prospect Park, and more coffee shops than I could ask for. It’s embarrassing, how much stuff we have here.

The worst thing is the noise, the soot, the lack of space, and the questionable quality of the schools. We’re moving to New Jersey, actually. I still can’t say that without laughing.

If you were president of the US:

I would ask everyone around me what the hell they were thinking, putting me in charge. It’s the last thing I ever want to be. The one time I was the boss of other people I spent the whole time trying to get fired.

What actor would play you in the movie of your life?

Charles Grodin. He’s as weary as I feel, and he looks terrible in a lot of makeup.

Favorite color:

I love orange. But I can’t wear it. My life is so hard!

Favorite food:

If I could eat spicy tuna rolls every day of my life, I would. If I could follow that up with a cupcake, bring it on!

When you were 10, what did you want to do when you grew up?

A Broadway songstress. And dancer. I think I wanted to be Chita Rivera, actually.

What do you hate?

Overcooked chicken; when I smile at someone I pass on the street and they don’t smile back; when someone passing me on the street smiles and I smile back but they’ve already passed; any type of news show or channel; my bloggy friends getting attacked on other blogs for being too good; brownies that taste like dust; when my lips are chapped and my lip balm has disappeared.

What do you love?

Scott and Henry. My family. My dog Charlie. And cupcakes.

What do you want to tell other bloggers, if anything?

If you think your blog is insignificant, you’re wrong. Every time you write something there’s a chance you’ll make a difference to someone else, or to yourself.

Astounding facts about you:

I have an extra vertebra. I haven’t thrown up since 1978. These two astounding facts are unrelated.

Are you Windows or Mac? Why?

Mac. For Macs are pretty, and I am a girl and enjoy pretty things. If I could put my Mac in a tutu, I would.

How would your husband describe you? How about your parents/son?

My husband would natter on about my various amazing qualities, and he would also say that I’m too hard on myself. Then he would hump a pillow.

My parents would say they love all their children equally, but then my mom would slip you a note that says “But really Alice is our favorite.” And then she’d deny that she wrote it.

My son said to me yesterday, “I wrote a story about you. It goes, ‘I play with Mommy all day. And I love my dear old Mommy. The end.'” So I think he’d pretty much go with that again. He’s nothing if not repetitive.

Would you please tell me about why you first got on antidepressants, why you got off of them and how depression has affected your life?

I had been on antidepressants before, for the usual reasons—anxiety, depression. When I was pregnant with Henry the hormones worked in my favor and I felt amazing. I felt pretty much okay for a while after he was born, but then a few weeks before his second birthday, a car crash happened right in front of us and we were almost hit. It did a number on me—I couldn’t sleep, I couldn’t eat, my heart was racing all the time.

The Effexor was always meant to be short-term. I went off it after a year, as I had planned all along. It’s a great drug if it works for you, and it did work, but if I forgot to take it for even an hour I felt sick, and after a few months I felt sort of sick all the time. It wasn’t worth it. Going off it was extraordinarily difficult, but I’m glad I did.

What are you working on right now?

I’m working on a novel and some essays.

What will you being doing next year?

Well, here’s what I hope: I hope I’ll be finishing my novel; I hope I’m not dead inside because I live in the suburbs; I hope I’ll be happy.

Tell me a secret?

I don’t know how to ride a bike. I was a highly neurotic child who refused to learn. I have never trusted my ability to propel myself through space. It’s a good thing I’m moving somewhere where I’ll have to drive. Dear god…

Your twin kept getting in my way as I researched you on the internet. She is very annoying.

I know, I know. And she’s scooping up all the domain names! I just bought domain alicebradley.org. She may be the network, but I am the organization, baby. I win.

Is this Alice you?

No, that is my other alter ego, the Alice Bradley who was Principal of the Miss Fanny Farmer’s School of Cookery back in the ’30s. I have a few of her books, actually. If you’ve never seen a Depression-era cookbook, I urge you to find one. There are many mock-meats assembled into terrifying molds. You haven’t lived until you’ve had a Mock Veal Gelatin in Celery Sauce.

I actually gathered some friends to make some of those recipes, and wrote an article about it. It lives somewhere on the Internet. I still gag when I think about the Anchovy Cream on Toast Points. It had ketchup in it. Excuse me—I mean “catsup.”

What do you wish I had asked you that I didn’t?

I wish you had asked me, “How could one person be so awesome?”
And in reply I would shrug my shoulders and walk away. And my theme song would play. I’ll have to get back to you about the song.

Thanks, Alice!

Interview with David Sasaki / el-oso.net

David Sasaki might not be someone you’ve heard of yet unless you live and blog in San Diego or are a regular at Global Voices. He’s one of the best kept secrets on the web but with his strong and honest writing voice, sometimes odd sense of humor, it’s only a matter of time until his name will begin to sound familiar everywhere. His blog is a perfect blend of techie, in that he incorporates so many dynamic elements, and personal due to his open writing, along with definite political veins. Check out his visitor map, his plethora of tags just waiting to be clicked and explored and his photos here and here. Combine that with his heart of gold and there is no way you can’t not like him. (Yes, Mrs. Wheeler, that was a double negative. And I meant it.)

Blog Birthday:

12/18/2003

Why do you blog?

Thanks to A Word A Day I know that graphomania means a compulsive desire to write. I’m pretty sure I suffer from it. I’ll be walking around, or stuck in traffic or staring listlessly outside the window of the Coaster and all of a sudden thoughts come to my head. Rather than letting them float away, my fingers demand that I write them down. The fact that so many others around the world are equally compelled to do the same, I find comforting.

What do you talk about?

I’m not entirely sure. Most visitors seem to arrive at the blog by searching the term “anal bleaching.”

What don’t you talk about? Why?

Friends, family, relationships. I make references, but only when related to other subjects. I feel like it’s not my place to write publicly about their lives.

Best experience regarding something you wrote in your blog or put out on the net?

Google has been very kind in getting me reacquainted with old friends. Because of the blog I got back in touch with an old roommate from Kathmandu, a childhood friend who I hadn’t talked to for about 20 years, and many others. The other wonderful experience has been meeting new friends, especially those that transcend geographic boundaries.

You share your blog with other writers. Why? Would you recommend that to other bloggers?

I try to share my blog with other writers. But one is a rock star and the other is a law student and so they mostly ignore me. When all three of us our in fact writing though, the site feels much more like a dinner table than an egocentric self-portrait and, yeah, I prefer that.

Favorite/worst thing about living where you live?

I live in La Jolla Shores, which means that, on average, I am one-fourth the age of my neighbors. The good news: Torrey Pines might be the most magnificent stretch of coastline south of Big Sur.

If you were president of the US:

I think I heard it on NPR as my alarm clock was waking me up: that in the UK massages will soon be covered by their national health care plan. I’d have to agree with that.

What actor would play you in the movie of your life?

A young one? I really should start reading tabloids or watching E!

Favorite color:

Recently I’ve been fascinated by white. I have dreams that I am in a white room with white furniture. It might be an ethnic identity thing.

Favorite food:

All of the above. A couple weeks ago I went to Island Spice for the first time. I had the jerk chicken. Delicious, but not awesome in the cosmic sense of the word. This week I’m trying the curried goat. I’ll let you know if it becomes my favorite food.

When you were 10, what did you want to do when you grew up?

I think I wanted to be a scientist or programmer or some such nonsense. Only later in life did I reach for the stars and become a barista.

What do you hate?

When people get so upset about nothing.

What do you love?

Everything else.

What do you want to tell other bloggers, if anything?

That blogging is like driving – we all think we’re right all the time even though we all cut people off just as often as we are cut off ourselves. Use blinkers. Be nice. Ignore mean people. And don’t forget to listen to good music.

The design of your blog is very dynamic. How do you keep the page load time down to a minimum while still supplying so much of it?

AJAX. I also use it in my bathroom.

Astounding facts about you:

Birthmark the shape of an inverted australia on my left ankle. Had to pull strings to graduate from high school because I had too many absences.

Are you Windows or Mac? Why?

Mac. It’s perty. And I don’t have to put up with the snickering reserved for windows users at blog conferences.

Who are your heroes?

There’s this homeless guy who comes into my work every night. We call him Jesus – he’d make a much better Jesus than the guy in the Mel Gibson flick. Anyway, he always pays the full price for his coffee even though I tell him not to. He’s pretty swell and I have a hunch that he does wonderful things when no one is looking.

How would your family/friends describe you?

Distracted. Carefree to a fault.

What are you working on right now?

A friend of mine from Venezuela and I just finished a grant to get funding for a Global Voices-like site in Spanish. Once that gets on its feet, I’d like to really concentrate on bridging new media between North America and Latin America.

Please tell me more about Global Voices. What do you do for the group and why do you work with them?

Global Voices is a weblog and a community. It was founded by two special people: Rebecca MacKinnon and Ethan Zuckerman. I think it’s the closest thing to a global village that has ever existed and I’m very proud to be a part of it.

I monitor weblogs in Latin America and pick out the best content which gets highlighted on the site.

What do you do to stay sane and keep healthy?

I never really write about it, but I’m a basketball fanatic. I play almost every night. It’s just about the only time that I’m not joking around. As a matter of fact, I even get in physical fights sometimes. Yeah, that’s my therapy.

What will you being doing next year?

Shaking my bootie somewhere in South America, probably Argentina.

Tell me a secret?

I have the smell of a girl’s hair stuck in my head.

What do you wish I had asked you that I didn’t?

I can’t believe you didn’t ask me what my favorite meal at Pokez is … Mahi Mahi Enchiladas. Favorite drink: Gin and Tonic, squeezed lime. 🙂

Thanks, David!

Interview with Tracey Gaughran-Perez / Sweetney

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Tracey G-P, also known as Sweetney, is the writer behind Rock-n-Romp and a contributing editor at Blogher. She is married to Jaime and has a daughter, Mina. She is part sweet and part ney, with a penchant for pirate-y things. Her sense of humor is stellar and really comes though in her writing. In high school, she was that one girl that you really wanted to hang out with because she made you giggle even though it meant you would get detention. She sells Tshirts for those of you that are mothers that blog and want to set a good example (building language skills and what-not — its educational!)*

Blog Birthday:

sweetney was born july 2nd 2004. i had a journal on livejournal which i started at some point in 2001 but didn’t really write seriously (meaning at least several times a week) in until 2003.

Why do you blog?

lots of reasons. to amuse myself. to vent. to share things i think are cool/funny/important/interesting. when i was younger i was a big mixtape maker, and i see blogging as a contemporary extension of that, in that it affords me the opportunity to pull together in one space lots of different things that interest and engage me.

plus i like me some people, and being at home all day with a toddler can get, well, flat-out lonesome.

What do you talk about?

motherhood, my daughter and the wunderkin that she is, my husband, politics, tv, music, pop culture, books, movies, yada yada. it pretty much runs the gamut.

What don’t you talk about? Why?

i don’t go into a great deal of sordid-detail-level info on my marriage. to me that’s kind of sacred territory, and while Jamie has no problem with me talking about him, were i to begin, for example, offering blow-by-blow accounts of our arguments and such, i think it might, umm, create some discord. and yeah, like we all need some more discord in our marriages, right?

Worst/best experience re: something you wrote in your blog or put out on the net?

i’ve had some pretty upsetting experiences with trolls, but my new mantra regarding those people (taken from advice given to me by heather) is IGNORE IGNORE IGNORE. which has been pretty effective, actually. as for ‘best’ experiences, those happen daily. i’m constantly amazed and delighted in both small and large ways by the open-heartedness and thoughtfulness of those who come by sweetney. sometimes i get little notes or gifts, and that always sends me into the stratosphere – that someone thought enough of me and what i do on sweetney to take the time to do that. its incredibly gratifying and more than a little humbling.

Favorite/worst thing about living where you live?

favorite: Baltimore’s industrial underdog charm and its people (one in the same).

worst: the poverty (and resultant crime). there are parts of Baltimore that i wouldn’t enter without armed guards and attack dogs. and that’s ridiculously shameful.

If you were president of the US:

everyone would have a computer, pot would be legalized, and paris hilton would be deported. because i’m the president and i said so.

What actor would play you in the movie of your life?

that’s a tricky one. i’d like to say Meryl Streep, because, c’mon – MERYL STREEP! but i’ve been told for more than a decade that i somehow resemble Drew Barrymore, so that’s (sadly) the more likely of the two.

Favorite color:

black. (slimming AND goth! (heh))

Favorite food:

pesto pasta. mmm…. forbidden pasta…

When you were 10, what did you want to do when you grew up?

i wanted to be a writer. crappin’ you negative.

What do you hate?

bigotry and injustice, in all its forms.

What do you love?

humor and thoughtfulness.

What do you want to tell other bloggers, if anything?

dudes, next round is on me!

Astounding facts about you:

well here’s ONE: i have a shortened nose bone, so its mostly just cartilage, and i can pretty much flatten that sucker down completely so that its aligned with my cheeks in vertical height. same goes for me ears, which i can wad up into tiny balls of ear flesh.
carnivalfreaktastic, no?

Are you Windows or Mac? Why?

mac. i love the design of them – inside and out. i think they’re incredibly easy to use and very intuitive as well. and, umm, PURTY.

Do you have a mantra?

not really, but things i say to myself internally most often are probably: CALM DOWN (and/or) LAUGH OR PERISH (or something to that effect).

Who are your heroes?

my friends. and jon stewart (of course).

blog heroes would include heather, eden and alice.

How would your husband/family/friends describe you?

funny, smart, high-strung, sensitive, a little OCD, a little low-self-esteem. equal parts loner and social butterfly (i tend to do things in waves and to extremes). hard to get to know (intimately) but once you’re in, you’re in; fiercely loyal and giving.

What are you working on right now?

my editorship dealy over at blogher, sweetney, and gearing up for the new season of rock-n-romp.

What do you do to stay sane and keep healthy?

write on sweetney. and i’m not kidding.

Thanks, Tracey!
* For the original wording, drop me an email.