Category: column

Three men, British accents, standing in line in front of me and waiting to check into the flight, speaking with much more passion and exuberance than my day calls for:

1: “No way! No one’s done what we have. No one!”
2: “I’d like to see them put themselves in that situation and survive!”
3: “You think it’s all that impressive, do you? That’s a little sad, really.”
1: “I don’t need this! (pause) You’ve obviously already forgotten Saturday, pallie.”

Same gentlemen in the airport eatery. It’s 7:45p and the only open seat is next to them on the long booth going along one wall. The table doesn’t move but I try to inch it closer to me anyway. My plane has been delayed indefinitely. I’m hungry and would like a beer. The waitress smiles at me and motions that she will come right over as she makes a path next to me and goes to a different table. Three times. By the time I order my nachos and get my beer, I’m getting a slight headache from the din. All these people with the intention to leave shortly yet stuck in place for the unforeseeable future. They are chatty, tired, on edge and colorful.

I lay my head back and decide to relax. Seven seconds later, realizing that relaxation is far, far away from my grasp, I get out my notebook and start to jot. On my left I hear

1: “…..if I can get her to fall in love with me.”
2: “She’ll see right through you.”
3: “Don’t you think you are too gay for that?”
1: “Only if I am really gay. (somber pause while they all take a drink) Am I gay?”
2: “Don’t say that too loud. I think you’ll spook our neighbor there. You sound lovelorn.”
3: “She’s writing furiously. She must be a restaurant reviewer.”
2: “Or is that a picture she’s drawing? Look, Pete, I think it’s you.”
1: “That’s a drawing of a Gothic square. Are you daft?”
Me: “I’m just doodling. It’s nothing, really. What I should draw are some nachos. I’m starving.” 8:35p and still no food.
3: “Yes. I noticed you had nothing in front of you. I would have offered some of our nachos but they seem to have disappeared.”
2: “I believe they are on the inside of Pete right this very second and wishing they could find a way out.”
Me: “Well, I think they will find a way out eventually.”
1: (hoot of laughter) “Now that is a charming thing to say to somebody!”
3: “And here I thought you were a restaurant reviewer! But you couldn’t be with that kind of cheeky mouth!”
2: “But really, what would a reviewer be doing in this place? This place called ‘The Home of the Haut Dog’ what with it being in the airport and all?”
1: “Well, I might have shared my chili but it’s too late now as well.”
3: “But not me bratwurst. No.” (shaking his head)
2: “Shall we motion the waitress for you and ask her what for?”
3: “Must you call her over here again? She sounds positively shocking. Like Jar Jar Binks!”
1: “Yes. Do you think you could be a dear and not want your food now? We’d like it much better to leave without the pleasure of her voice again.
Me: “Well, that’s nice! Here you’ve just finished your food without sharing and then ask me to not have mine because the waitress sounds like a science fiction character!”
2: “Yes, but Jar Jar Binks is a really horrendous character.”
3: “Yes. Everyone thinks so. In fact we call America the Land of Freedom Including the Right to Create a Terrible Movie Character.”