This is what 87 pairs of earrings look like
Nice One, Peterson
Elan and I are meeting up to talk before the conference gets started. It’s been a few years since we’ve seen each other in person. She looks brilliant in her black-framed glasses.
It’s always a little weird at first, talking when you haven’t seen each other for awhile. I’m conscious of wanting to make a good re-impression.
We head over to the coffee place. I get a half-caff, she gets a drink so detailed that I cease understanding halfway through. It may have included the words “snap, crackle, pop” and “magic fairy dust.” It sounded delicious.
I think the baristo was new. Yes, pretty sure. Or maybe he was just a very quiet, possibly shy young man. He fumbled with Elan’s change.
Him – “I’ve only got ones. Do you mind if I give you all ones?”
Elan – “No, that’s fine.”
Me – “Right, no worries. We’re heading to the strip club later, so those ones will come in handy.”
Elan – “…….”
Him – “… . …”
Me – sipping my half-caff, dootie do. “Um, I was kidding.”
Deafening silence and many wide eyes. Operation Good Re-Impression = Succes!
4 Paintings
All for sale. Email me if you’re interested.
OCEAN LADY, 24″X 20″ mixed media on canvas
BROWN SCAR, 24″ X 20″ acrylic, beeswax on canvas
TREE LINE, 36″ X 24″ acrylic on canvas
RED FRUIT, 24″ X 24″ mixed media on canvas
5/12/11
Today was a low day. A very low day.
In another life, today would have been the day I decided things were too hard to bear and so bleak I’d never see the blue skies again.
I would have left my OBGYN results appointment (from the same woman who raked me internally) knowing she wants me to get my uterus biopsied because she thinks it’s precancerous and knowing she wants me to get on birth-control pills and remembering how she called me a liar just moments before when I showed her my daily food logs and exercise chart, because I’m fat, so I must not be telling her the truth. And how she rolled her eyes at me when I explained how painful the fibroids in my breasts make a mammogram.
I would have placed those thoughts next to the ones from the two rheumatologists who tell me I have lupus and need to take antimalarial drugs and noninflammatory drugs and muscle relaxers and it doesn’t matter what I eat or what drugs I take, my life is going to be painful, however long it lasts.
And then I would have added the words from my psychiatrist who told me I need to up my dose of some things and add other things and that fibromyaligia is mostly all in my head. Because I have bipolar, along with other things.
With those things lined up next to each other to look at, I would have added my guilt at not earning money to pay for all these doctors and tests and how uncomfortable I feel calling my health My Full-time Job right now. And how shameful I feel thinking about applying for disability in case I never have reliable healthcare. And how ashamed I feel that I have such a need for it.
I would have really honed in on that shame and guilt and despair and frustration at my inability to change things to be easier.
Then I would have gone to bed. Maybe fantasized about selfharm. Maybe begun the journey toward the romantic notion of ending it all, because surely that would be better for my family who has to watch and feel helpless and uncomfortable at my flailing. Who must surely feel I am such a burden.
And then the darkness would have been fully descended. Over my eyes, and ears and mouth. Over my brain that couldn’t think straight anymore. And it could have been months before I resurfaced to try again if I hadn’t been successful at terminating my life and never tried again at all.
As I sat in my car, outside the hospital, dizzy with so many thoughts and feelings, I decided to breath. I made a small choice. A very small choice, to open my lungs and take in a breath, and then expel the air with a little force, listening to the sound in my throat. And then I did it again.
I thought of Grandma Jean, who just left us days ago. She fought her way back from a debilitating stroke and learned to live her life again when most people just die who experience that same stroke, it’s so damaging. I thought of her smile and quick laugh, even as her body failed her these past weeks. How she thanked me every time I did anything for her and told me she loved me even when she couldn’t recall who I was, because she knew I loved her.
Grandma had her brushes with depression and contemplating her own death. She didn’t have the knowledge or support I have with managing those symptoms. And she survived for years, decades, from sheer determination. And I’m better for knowing her. I’m so thankful I didn’t miss out on knowing her like I did. Thank you, Grandma Jean, for what you suffered in this life so I could know you.
Then I thought of Phyllis, my mother-in-law, who passed last October. The cancer never won. It was just her time to go. And she was ready. She told me so every day, but it was always with a smile and expectation of meeting her God, not sadness, fear or regret.
I watched her barely able to carry the groceries, mop the floor or move the vacuum, but refusing help because it was her sincere joy to do it. She loved her work. She delighted in doing what she could to care for others. As she told me many times, she loved the work because she loved the people she did it for, and her face would shine when she said it and I knew it was true.
As the cancer grew in her body and ate her alive, she refused to get down or be afraid. She prayed and read and worked at the soup kitchen when she could. She found new recipes and showed me how to cook them. She laughed. She was beautiful always, but when she laughed, her countenance beamed. She laughed all the time and her smile was so genuine and sincere it made you smile and laugh, too. She was a great beauty even as breath left her.
Phyllis was careful what she said and how she said it and said nothing to hurt others. I knew I was safe with her because I never heard her say an unkind thing about anyone else. She taught me so much just by being herself. The year I spent as her companion was so precious. Thank you, Phyllis, for teaching me so much about how to live as you prepared to pass. Thank you for your unconditional love even as I carried my shortcomings around on my back and brought them out to show you on occasion. Thank you for showing me how to love others with the fierce fire of love I also carry in my chest. And thank you most of all for giving birth to and raising a beautiful, caring son who has become my partner and champion. Because even with his few shortcomings and my many, we somehow make a perfect fit and support for each other.
At 3pm today I went to yoga. My Yogini welcomed me and listened while I poured out my heart in a rush and never hurried me when I paused, choking on my words and tears. She placed my body in poses while I cried and she used her own breath to show me how to better breathe out my pain. She soothed my shoulders and neck and witnessed my entire body in sorrow. Her kind and loving touch calmed my fears and sadness and in time, I felt calm and strength in my chest instead of tightness and daggers. With each breath’s inhale and exhale, my body released the old and filled with new strength.
With my eyes closed, breathing deeply, I thought of the women in my life. My daughter. My mother. My friends. My sisters and aunts and grandmas, some of them here with me now and some carried in my heart. I drew on the power of Mother Earth and felt connected to everything and everyone.
The things that are hard in my life didn’t seem so overwhelming in that moment. It felt shared, like a thousand shoulders were carrying my pain and I even felt room on my own shoulders to help carry another’s hurts, should they want or need that.
And I felt a bit of joy in the journey. It was just a bit, but large enough that I think I might find it again.
5/9/11
Monday, May 9
PS 7/10 Sluggish. Headache. Ache all over. Sad lower back.
7:20am 2 boiled eggs, hot drink
I feel like you feel when your period is going to start in a few days.
10:30 App with Dr. K for official 2nd opinion from rheumatologist. I like her take on things the best so far. She confirms the diagnosis but tries to cheer me up. This will be more like you were in the room if you imagine her saying it in her great Indian accent:
“So, yes, you have lupus and that is maybe hard news. But, because you are sub-acute, we can think of it like you have a touch of lupus. You see what I mean? It’s more positive, so, we keep you alive, yes? Not so serious when we say it that way. So, let’s say you feel kind of crappy to really crappy most of the time. Ok? That’s Ok. Because it means you are not in hospital getting half your intestines removed, you see what I mean? You have it pretty good, sweetie, is what I’m saying, so don’t feel too bad. Just take your medications and get lots of sleep, stay out of the sun and don’t exert yourself.”
I would like a Tshirt with that slogan. Just a Touch of Lupus.
12:30pm DZ Akins for Matzo ball soup, water, rye toast
5pm palmful raw cashews, water
I totally have period brain and sadblah body feeling. Lower back pain and headache feel less like regular pain and more like intense hormone sadness.
5/8/11
Sunday, May 8th
Happy Mother’s Day.
PS 6/10 Lower back, arms ACHING bad, headache. Feel sluggish but mood is still good.
8am 2 boiled eggs, coffeechicorymilk
10am Meet M & M for breakfast at Mission Cafe. It’s Mother’s Day so Wheee I’ll have whatever I want.
Blueberry pancakes, egg, potatoes, coffeemilk
We decide to go to see Win Win but see Kill the Irishman instead. Gory. Great acting, what I saw of it through my fingers.
I have a palmful of raw cashews during the film.
We head to M&Ms for mellow hangout time.
3pm Beer, watermelon, dates
6pm whole wheat noodles, mozz cheese, basil, pine nuts YUMO
8pm half bean burrito, corn chips, pico de gallo, guinness
PS 6/10
5/7/11
Saturday, May 7th
Joe went to OC.
PS 4/11 Good morning. Feel positive and energetic
8am
Boiled egg, coffeechicorymilk
Called M. Meeting her in Kensignton for brunch. M says I look good. I feel good. I decide to splurge.
11am waffle butter syrup coffee milk
We peruse the neighborhood for shelves and find some Little Debbie snack wire shelves that I love for 7$. I hit the Container Store on the way home for a few paper boxes.
2pm pure bar, white tea
I’m feeling good and having so much fun cleaning the shelves and sorting paperwork, I don’t think about making sure I eat and drink enough. I did too much.
8pm I suddenly and completely feel worn out.
Fish and chips, water
My body aches. My head feels blurry. I know I didn’t take care of myself and this is the result. I wait for Joe to come home from OC then go to bed.
PS 8/10
Health Log 5/6/11
Friday, May 6th, 2011
Bad night. Kept waking up with aching sides and arms. Very hard to get back to sleep.
Pain Score 7/10
7:30am 40 min with heating pad, PS 5/10
2 boiled eggs, chicory/coffee drink, splash milk
Supplements
10am Pure bar, water
NAP
1:30pm KIND nutbar, green apple, beef jerky, water
There isn’t much to eat at the condo since we spend so much time at Grama’s still, which leads to hunger storm complete with nausea and headache.
4pm Cheese burger, white tea with POM juice
__I waited too long to finish this and I have no idea how the rest of this day went. Boo.
Health Log 5/5/11
Pain Score 7/10 – lower back, sides, upper arms
8:30am 2 boiled eggs, piece br rice toast w/butter, coffee/chicory combo, slash milk
Supplements
10:30 Pure bar, banana, water
12:30 baked salmon, asparagus, br rice, water, strawberries, decaf coffee
3:30pm Yoga with J. IT IS THE BEST YOGA EVARR. Yes, I will keep going to this studio and work with her. Phew. I was getting worried I wouldn’t find a yoga place where I would feel connected.
PS 3/10 YAY!
4:30pm Pure bar, water
6pm 4oz Chicken breast, small red potatoes, slices sweet potato, water, Guinness
Supplements
8pm palmful raw cashews, chicory w/splash milk
PS 4/10
Health Log 5/4/11
Wednesday, 5/4/2011
Trunk of my body feels heavy like lead and pain and sore. 20 minutes with the heating pad and I start to feel better. Joe makes me breakfast.
Pain Score 8/10 then 6/10
7:30am 2 eggs, br rice toast w/ butter, 1/3 coffee 2/3 chicory drink with milk
Convo with Homeopath B. She recommends an antiinflammatory and increasing supplement doses that I am already on. We agree thusly –
–The Blood Type Diet “O”, Live Cell – 1 X breakfast, lunch
–The Blood Type Diet “O”, Polyvite 1 X breakfast, lunch
–Dr. Clark Store, Allied Amino Acids 1 X breakfast, lunch
–Nordic Naturals, Balanced Omega Combination 2 X breakfast, lunch
–Genoma Nutritionals Scienca 1 X breakfast, lunch, dinner
Went with M to drug store and found 2 sunscreen lotions to try. I’m having a hard time getting on with smells right now. Hopefully Avalon Organics VitaminC Moisture Plus Lotion w/SPF 15 and/or Neutrogena pure&free liquid daily sunblock w/SPF 50 will work.
10am Pure bar, decaf coffee, water
11:30am Half a crab, spinach and cheese omelet, 4 bites potatoes, 2 mini slices walnut raisin bread at Cody’s.
Walk along beach, too much sun. I tell M I want to be prepared for times like this. We head to Lestats to talk it over. My legs hurt and my face is sad burny.
2:30pm Yogurt parfait with blueberries, herbal iced tea, water
PS 6/10
We head to the store where I find –
Backpack/purse – my left arm/shoulder invariably hurt then ache at night due to a purse strap. When I sling it over my head and across my body, it hurts my neck. The backpack purse will allow the weight to be even across both shoulders and back.
Hat – The hat I have is very large to cover my shoulders. It doesn’t fit well in a bag, hence my always leaving it at home, leaving my head and shoulders uncovered. The pain I’m feeling on my face and shoulders RIGHT NOW while I type this is exactly what I want to avoid. This new hat has a smaller brim and rolls up without ruining the shape. It’s the first item in my new purse.
Scarf – M tells me she has two thin scarves she brings along to Costa Rica that are thin enough to not be hot and she uses them to cover her shoulders, arms or whatever. I find a white one that is thin and ultra soft. It also goes in my new purse, along with my sunscreen lotions and herbal tea pouches and Pure bars.
We also hit the Buddhist bookstore where I get an intro pamphlet on opening my chakras. I’m really struggling with accepting the reality of my life right now and keep making jokes about how I’m so “special.” But I’m feeling just a tiny bit more prepared to handle my life and that feels good.
4pm Green apple slices and lactose free yogurt cheese, swigs of Kefir and water
6:30pm Veggie soup from the other day with slices of roast beef, water
Supplements
8pm Guinness
PS 4/10
Health Log 5/3/11
Tuesday May 3rd
Slept solid from midnight to 5am. Got out of bed at 7:30am. Used heating pad on lower back. Pain in lower back, headache, upper arms. Head filled with mucus. Maybe pollen allergies?
Pain Score 5/10
8am 2 eggs, 1 toast w/butter, 1/3 coffee 2/3 chicory, splash milk
supplements
10am banana, KIND nut bar
Head to Gyno appointment. Show up at check in time, 12 noon.
12:45 Still waiting. Getting hungry headache and nausea. Pure bar
1:15pm Finally see doc. Commence pain sequence where 3 different speculum instruments are used in a mining expedition with little success of seeing my cervix due to inflammation. To her credit, the gyno did say “I’m so sorry.” and “Relax!” over and over.
Because I mentioned I was unsure about when I would get my next mammogram because of the PAIN, she says she’ll just give me a very thorough breast exam. Which she does and although Act 2, Breastacular Mash 2011, is pretty spectacular, it doesn’t come close to the continuing pain from Act 1.
2:30pm I’m missing my acupuncture appointment. And I’m in major pain and hungry and sick to my stomach. I try to still make my appointment and eat two Pure bars on the way. I drink 4 tiny cups of water when I get there.
I discuss with my acupuncturist my decision to not take Flexiril or Plaquenil. She says she is happy to support my choice. I expected no less. I tell her about my massive headache but strangely, I don’t want to mention that I just came from the gyno and that I’m in massive pain in that area. Subsequently, I didn’t get any relief from that pain and I had her remove the needle in my forehead (for my headache) because I couldn’t relax with it in there. After my appointment, I realize I got nothing from it and it’s my own fault.
4:45 I am drained of all that is good and holy and I know if I go home I won’t eat and tomorrow will be shot before it begins. I stop for an early dinner. Side salad, trout, cooked spinach w/garlic, mini slice of sourdough bread w/butter, 2 bites mac n cheese for dessert at Kings Fish House
Supplements
I beat Joe home from work and sit in the dark in the easy chair with the heating pad.
6pm Major headache, glass of water, ibuprofen 800mg
8:30pm I am mentally and emotionally overcome. Normally, because of my abusive childhood and teen years, a pap smear or any type of exam in my lady parts is hard to deal with and takes some time to get over, but this has been the worst internal exam I’ve ever had (I will see red/orange/pink thin mucus in my underwear until Wednesday night.), and I’m including the time the doc stripped my membranes during labor with my son and didn’t warn me first. I go to bed early. Joe tucks me in, kisses me and tells me that even champion boxers get beat up in the ring and need time to recover. It doesn’t make them less of a champion. I cry myself to sleep with his comfort over me like a blanket.
PS 10/10
Health Log 5/2/11
Monday 5/2/11
Major sneezing and pressure in sinuses, mucus. Headache, chest pain, lower back pain. PAIN SCORE 8/10
8am
2 scrambled eggs
1 piece brown rice toast, butter
Chicory drink
9am Dr. L. app. Went over all labs. Concurs with lupus diagnosis. Meds stay pat.
10am Pure bar, white tea
11am Veggies in chicken broth soup, supplements
spinach
mustard greens
rutabaga
red potatoes
carrot
brown rice
golden beet
celery
leek
1:30pm Sliced turkey, more soup
PS of 4/10
3pm 2 cups kettle corn, palm-full of raw cashews, white tea
5pm FAGE Total 0% yogurt, 6 crackers
6:45pm Veg broth with 4oz baked Halibut, lemon, olive oil, salt
3 slices sweet potato
7:30pmKaffree Roma , splash coffee, splash whole milk
Banana, swig of Kefir
I feel like all I do all day is think about food, plan food and eat food. Pretty even stomach all day. Slow thudding headache, no sharp pain. Cold/sinus/mucus/pressure continues. NO NAUSEA. DUDE. I’m not drinking enough water but I’m not sure yet how to get more stuff down my pie-hole. Made food lists.
Stayed up too late. Day ended with regular muscle aches and pains in upper arms, knees, chest and sides and lower back, headache – PS 7/10 A mid-day nap might have been a good idea. Low grade fever.