EDGY, WHOLESOME
I was completely obsessed with yellow circles for a few days and the result was somewhere around two hundred 2″ circles of varying colors of yellow that I strung up to be a some-kind-of mobile or chandelier or hangy-down-from-the-ceiling thingy.
I was wondering what to do with it and then Diablo Cody climbed on a chair and put it on a hook for me. And I love it right there hanging from the living room ceiling.
Every year, Alex and I try to get away for a weekend with my sister and her daughters where we can all be on our periods at the same time. Good times. This past October’s trip got pushed a few months into 2009.
We flew up last weekend to Rhoda’s and then drove up to the Bavarian themed town of Leavenworth and the Enzian Inn. Our favorite part of staying at the Enzian is the Alphorn player – the cutest little dude you’ve ever seen.
It was a really fun weekend, mostly because I got to hang out with Alex. I love hanging out with Alex. We talk, talk, talk about hair and boyfriends/husbands and then do our nails. We eat chocolate and trade paperback books and watch all the chick flicks a person can handle and talk about our leading men crushes. (Her – James Marsden, Me – Mark Ruffalo (who, incidentally, looks a lot like Joe) ) We do all the important girl stuff and I eat up every moment of it. It’s always a little bittersweet because I realize we are so close and have so much fun as ‘friends’ because she doesn’t see me so much as a ‘mom,’ but I take what I can get.
At some point during day 2, after much talking, movie watching, jewelry making and lying around in our sweats, we all got a little slap-happy and the result is this photo of Alex that she will kill me for posting, but absolutely, positively must put here for all to see. Alex – I’m sorry. But I love you and even the chicken glasses do not diminish your beauty. This pose is divine and when you are done yelling at me, I’ll get out the nail polish and do your toes.
Dear Me,
I know you’ve spent many years perfecting your sick and crazy-making thinking patterns. I know you come by it honestly and that it’s hard for you to stop and think things through sometimes. I get it.
But, maybe now is a good time to talk about some things currently happening that you might be fooled into thinking are about you. For example –
1. When your husband comes home, tired and a little cranky, it is because he had a really long day at work and then a two hour commute in traffic. It’s not because you didn’t fold his Tshirts the ‘right’ way or do the dishes by five or because you look ugly. It’s not about you.
2. When you run out of milk over night and there is none for cereal in the morning, it’s because PEOPLE DRINK IT and then it goes away. See how that works? It’s not because you are a terrible wife/mother. Also? Other people are perfectly able to purchase milk and bring it home. You are not the only one that has, you know, arms and legs.
3. When you hear that friends in another state got together and you weren’t invited, it’s probably because you don’t live on the east coast in the same city as them. It’s not because you suck and they hate you and think you’re ugly and stupid. Seriously. It’s not about you. Feel free to make your own friend get-togethers where you live. (I did! Yay for me!)
4. When someone you are very close to, that you love immensely, that you would die for, tells you something about a horrifying experience that happened a few years ago, they are upset because of what happened to them. They are not mad at you. They are not telling you it is your fault. They aren’t even asking you to fix it. Seriously, can you think of anything more self-centered than taking someone’s hellish situation and making it all about you? No, you can’t. So, sit there and listen and empathize and bear witness to the horror and love them as much as you can. Don’t turn it on yourself make it an excuse to self-medicate or self-harm. Be smart and strong. It’s not about you.
5. When the weather turns ugly and it rains and stays cloudy for days, it is not because the entire universe is conspiring to keep you down. It’s because that is WHAT WEATHER DOES sometimes. So, throw on a sweater and your comfy slippers with a good cup of coffee and try to enjoy a little snuggle time.
I hope this has been helpful and that you keep it close by in case you need an easy reference sheet for upcoming situations. I have faith in you. I believe you can do it.
Lots of love,
Me
PS. You aren’t ugly and stupid. Next time we’ll discuss how negative thinking can influence your day.
I don’t get out often. I don’t always do well in social situations. I tend to avoid events where I’m going to meet new people because I’m afraid they won’t like me. I might do something stupid. Talk too much. Have a booger hangin’ out mah nostril. Or my forehead might get too glisteny. Oh, I don’t know. Be too much……..like myself.
But the allure of Brandon pulled me out of my cave. Continue reading “Muldoons 2009 (aka Mini-TequilaCon)”
My good friend Robin made these simple and beautiful silver bands for me. Each band is stamped with the initials of the people I love most – my family. I love them so much and wear them all the time.
Robin helped me make some turquoise and silver rings awhile back. She also has some amazing art and jewelry up at RobinWade.com.
Longtime readers may recall that Mr. Bird was purchased as a Mother’s Day gift for yours truly. I’ve fed him and showered him and cleaned out his cage. I’ve let him out to fly and talked to him and sung him songs almost every day since he came home to live with us. And yet, Mr. Senator Bird loves Joe. I’m just the female human that does the essentials. I do not reach his little birdy heart.
He knows when Joe is home from work before I do. He starts whistling and dancing and getting so insistent that SOMETHING REALLY AWESOME IS ABOUT TO HAPPEN!!!!! And if he is lucky enough to come out after dinner because Joe has enough patience for it, he flies directly to him and snuggles under his chin and coos.
My feelings would be hurt but it’s so darn cute and I totally understand. I like to cuddle and coo with Joe, too.
~start here~
My alarm goes off and the first thing I think is, aaaaaaaah crap, I have to do this again? This getting up thing? Gaaaaaaah.
I review the reasons my life is so hard including gems like having to use an automatic dishwasher to clean my dishes. Ugh. And having so many clothes, they barely fit in the closet. Boo hoo. And who could forget having to shower in hot water in an inside bathroom? Using pear scented body soap and 9$ a bottle shampoo? Woe is me.
I make the coffee, sit down to check email and Facebook and Flickr and Twitter and express a desire to own cowboy boots. Cute, supple ones. And maybe red.
Finally (sigh) I begin to work and try and make sense of the notes I scribbled sometime between 2:15 and 3:45 am early this morning for the screenplay I’m working on. Wearing my slipper socks (I wish I owned these in a size 10) on my pedicure-neglected feet propped up on the ottoman which is covered with the red and black Navajo designed wall carpet that hung on my dad’s office wall for over 20 years, that I now own because I out-whined a sibling a few years ago, I note the heat turning on and pull my sweater a little closer to my neck.
Staring at the screen, I begin to review the first world problems that I’ve almost allowed to ruin my morning while Iceland is completely falling apart and people are scared, angry and rioting in the streets. And insane government officials try to lie and corrupt. And helpless animals are paying for the very definition of people with too much time on their hands.
And then I remember I live in the USA where we just elected Obama and I feel like I’ve actually received too many presents at Christmas and it’s almost garish and greedy.
I sip my coffee and begin to type.
~fin~
(In case you wanted to check out my pores and sunspots and the luggage under my eyes, I’ve provided this photo:)
We had a great time the night of the United States of Tara premiere party. Diablo brought her fiance, Dan, who might be the nicest guy I’ve ever met.
We had old friends and new friends show up for the taco bar before the pilot aired. Buttery Nipples were the shot of the night. We talked and talked and it was all around good family fun. Also, we smoked mint flavored tobacco in the hookah in the backyard.
My favorite photo of the night is not mine. It was taken by my friend, Susan Myrland. She and her husband Doug drove up from San Diego to be there. Susan caught Diablo hanging my yellow-circle-obsession mobile up to the hook on the ceiling.
This post really has no ending, except maybe something like – have friends over for a dinner and a movie night. It’s fun! I guess I’ll close by saying that Diablo was very sweet to pose for a slew of photos and somehow managed to have a genuine smile and angelic aura around her in each one.
This Sunday night is the premiere of The United States of Tara on Showtime. At 10pm, I will be surrounded by family and friends and watch as a series on television tries to bring awareness to the illness I’ve struggled with since the age of four. Writing that makes me want to jump up and scream in excitement and call everyone I know and cry in relief and crawl into the fetal position from anxiety and suck my thumb all at the same time.
Along with the voices of support, I’ve had emails and a few comments from people in the DID community that are angry at the writers of the series and angry and disappointed in me for being a part of it. To them, I say this:
I hear you. I really, really hear you. You would like it if the show was easier to watch and didn’t highlight the hyper-sexual teen alter or the cruelty of the male alter. You would like it better if they showed more about where Tara comes from and why she is the way she is. Me, too.
Stay tuned. Watch a few more episodes and see how the character of Tara is handled and how she evolves. There is both humor and drama, as it should be. My life has had its ups and downs and whether I like it or not, I had alters that were very sexual and took advantage of any man they could. I see in Tara’s kids some of the same things my kids had to deal with. I had a Molly-Homemaker alter and I now cringe at the thought of how hard she tried to make everything perfect and I feel sad that she was perpetually disappointed at the impossibility of perfection. And my husband at the time had to try and guess how to deal with me when I switched. I’m betting you have some of the same alter-types I did. And that the character Tara does. And yes, it’s hard to watch, being a person with DID. But for me, that’s because it’s accurate, not wrong. You call it sensationalized and maybe you are right. I don’t agree with you but I think that is a matter of personal opinion.
But what I love about the series is that it’s TALKING about mental illness and DID. It’s making people ask questions and have conversations and maybe, just maybe, creating an environment where people with DID aren’t thought of as freaks. Where they aren’t told to keep it all a secret and perpetuate the cycle of hiding and secrecy and lies. And that is what I’m excited to be a part of – moving forward. Removing the stigma attached to mental illness, or at least lessening the hold a bit. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been told by someone I barely know and even people close to me to never talk about having a mental illness because it will hurt my chances at (fill in the blank). Just for telling people what I am. Just for owning what I am and how my brain works. The message is – if people really know you, they won’t think you are acceptable or good enough. They will think you are evil or weird and turn away from you. And that feels bad whether you are mentally ill, the ‘wrong’ color or sexual orientation or ethnic background or too fat or too small. No one should be discriminated against for being themselves.
I don’t feel the series is doing a disservice to DID or mental illness. I’m so THANKFUL that Steven Spielberg wanted to do a series about a woman with DID and I’m so THANKFUL that Diablo Cody read my book and asked me to be a part of it. And even though the character isn’t based on me, I identify with every personality that Tara has. In the same way I had to learn and accept that I was all the personalities that I was and own them and bring them together. And understand that everything I had ever done and everything that had ever happened had happened to ME. All of it.
So maybe you don’t identify with some of her personalities or the extent they are portrayed but that doesn’t mean someone else won’t. Let’s leave the door open for everyone with DID or any dissociative disorder to feel like they are being represented in some way. This is the maiden voyage. It’s just the beginning. If everything isn’t perfect, let’s not get too hasty and throw the whole thing out. Let’s wait a while and see the evolution. This is the first time this subject matter has been tackled on television. Let’s support their efforts and hope there is more to come.
For me, it’s a dream come true.
______________
If you are looking for my book, you can find it here.
John was kind enough to let me follow him around one day at the end of 2006 in preparation for another interview that was never finished. I even got to meet Grandpa Caleb and get a hug, which I enjoyed very much.
John also has some great hugs to give out on Tuesdays at HugNation.
In November of 2006 I visited Matt Haughey at his home. He was kind enough to do a video interview with me that I planned on putting up as the first segment on the new and improved Leahpeah Interview site. Well, it never got edited and the site never got done. Two years later, I’m admitting that I’m never going to get it done. The photos should be seen, though, so I’m putting them on Flickr for your enjoyment.
Here is the family and backyard set. Here is Matt doing a bike trick. My recommendation is to watch it at the fastest speed the slideshow offers and imagine that it’s going about 3 times as fast.
If you live in the Salt Lake City area and you are looking for some Christmas gifts, drop by this Saturday. We’ll have a variety of things (handcrafted sterling silver and recycled jewelry, glass beaded jewelry, purses and hand-painted bags, magnets, hats and lots more!) from a variety of talented people including Robin Wade. They are letting me put my stuff up for sale there, too. Very kind.
Info:
December 6th, 10am to 4pm
Location:
1008 East Hillview Drive (4060 South)
Salt Lake City, Utah
Cell: 310-351-7998
Drop by and say hello!
xo
