Published in True Mom Confessions, Berkley Trade, 2009
No one expects to get divorced when they get married. We were no different. My first husband and I were determined to make it work and we fought it out for almost 14 years. We would tell each other, ‘We can do this! We’ll figure it out because we are strong enough to make it work!’ When we finally reached that breaking point, there was nothing I wanted more than for him to marry someone that would love him and my kids. We ended as some sort of odd friends with a long and varied past and had the best in mind for each other. Although, for him, he probably thought the best would never happen for me based on my mental health issues. Thankfully, he was wrong. And I know at this point he’s happy he was wrong.
I wanted his new wife, because there was no question that he would be getting married right away, to really, really, REALLY love them and be there for them. I wanted my kids to feel like she was their other real mom. To trust her. To love her. And maybe that was odd because in a way, it could be looked at as if she was replacing me. But for them to be in a real family would be the best thing for them. For them to have anything less might in many ways be detrimental and there was never a moment when I wished for that. I remember the first time I met who he was going to marry, I went up to hug her because the kids genuinely seemed to like and appreciate her and they were happy and that made me happy. It wasn’t until she didn’t really hug me back, but instead seemed uncomfortable, that I realized the way I was thinking might be different than the other two in our odd adult triangle. But I never stopped hoping that we could be friends and work together on behalf of the kids.
Over the past few years, their step-mom has been everything I wished and hoped for. We might not be best friends, and that is most likely a much more healthy relationship that I originally imagined, but we are always more than civil and most of the time slightly warm. And the kids think of her as their mom. They call us both Mom interchangeably and within the same breath. To them, they are safe in their relationship with both of us and have no reason to differentiate with a Step here or a Bio there unless there is someone else in the conversation that really doesn’t get it and is wallowing in confusion. Then you might hear one of them backing up a bit to explain who is who. Maybe. But it’s just as likely they won’t take the time to explain and figure it is that person’s problem if they don’t get it.
And oddly, there is nothing that I’m prouder of. And oddly still, there is nothing that pierces my heart quite like hearing them call her Mom. It’s a strange revealing moment to be feeling discomfort and then in a shocked second remember that it’s something you wished for. Because on some level, I am still vain and would like to be irreplaceable. I’d like to be the only Mom in their life and have them depend on me for all of their Mom needs. And she could be there, doing a really fine job of being a Step-Mom, but I would be the REAL Mom. This is the fantasy that rides through my brain from time to time. But sadly, it isn’t reality. And thankfully, it isn’t reality. Because being safe on all sides is what is best for them. And I’m happy they call her Mom even when my heart occasionally bleeds a bit on the inside where they can’t see. Maybe hers does, too.
this is a really incredibly written piece. it hit me in my squishy emotional bits.
i deal with those same struggles being the “step” person in my equation. i too, want a better relationship with my daughter’s mom more than anything in the world.
i have been quite guilty of making a LOT of mistakes through the whole thing. i try to correct them and move on. i hope i never lose the desire to keep on trying.
I’m with Piglet on this one. I myself am a stepmom as well, though both of the kids are out of the house. I never really had a relationship at all with the bio mom. Not because I didn’t want to but she wouldn’t hear of it. I made so many mistakes back then I cringe when I think of them, but yet, I’m glad I went through it because I think it made me a better mom to our bio kids today. This is a wonderful piece and I wish that there were more people who worked at ensuring their kids had balance in both homes. Well done!
Yet another piece of evidence in the court case that Leah Peah is way more highly evolved than Bossy. Honestly, good for you.
That sounds difficult, but I admire you for placing the needs of your children before your own desires. It takes a large heart and discipline to do such a thing.
You know, I’m only just now pregnant with my first child and I guess it could be said that what you’ve written above has me doing some thinking this fine morning. What if Tobyjoe eventually left me and married someone else? What if that someone else would then be around my kid?
Leah, for now, and I know this will most likely change as soon as my child is born, I can’t say I am as strong as you are. I feel that I might be too selfish to want that, accept that with so much graciousness. I wish I could automatically say that I would want another woman to step in and be their second mom, but I don’t think I’m that kind of person.
Thankfully, you are. Keep that. You may have a history of mental health, but that’s probably one of the most healthiest things I have ever seen a person write/admit to.
i grew up being very very close with both of my step-parents. but i’ve never actually thought about it from my mom’s or my dad’s perspective. what they hoped for me for a stepmom or stepdad. this is a GREAT, great post.
Your candor and honesty are astonishing, Leah. I think it shows a great measure of humanity to be able to articulate these feelings and be “real” about them. I respect that immensely.
I’m with you on this.
There can never be enough people in the world to love my son.
My husband and I are in the process of getting a divorce. I know he will remarry some day and that Jude will have a step-mom. When that time comes, I want her to love my son as much as I love him. He deserves it.
Being a step-mom myself … I totally admire what you have written. While from my point of view, I could never replace my step-children’s mom (they are 13 and 15 now but their dad and I have been together for 10 yrs and have a 6 yr old son together) what struck me most about your post was the last line, that maybe her heart bleeds a little too. Because I think as a step-parent you are always struck with the obvious, that no matter how great your relationship is with your step-kids and no matter how much they like you (or love you) you will never be loved like a child loves their own parents. I admire you, for wanting your children to be happy and secure whereever they are – because this truly shows how much you love your children, but in your heart know that no bond could ever be tighter than that which you have with your children. In the end, we just want our kids to grow up happy, secure and confident.
In two weeks, I will enter my second marriage. Along with my two daughters (5 and 3) from my first marriage, two step-sons will now be added into our brood. Their mother wants nothing to do with me, which is difficult, because I totally respect her as their mother, and want whats best for them. I can only hope that when my ex-husband remarries, that the woman that he’s with loves my children like I love my soon-to-be step sons.
Such an amazing thing you’ve described here. All I can say is that’s true love. There’s always a little bit of what you say about wanting to be irreplaceable in love but basically, you’ve nailed what real love for people is about.
I am in awe. You are a much bigger person than I, who is still in the throes of warding off the evil bullet-glances of malevolence and the stupid petty court stuff. I hope to one day be where you are in this, because, after all, it really is all about the children, isn’t it? Thanks for giving me a different perspective to strive for.
Wow. For the past ten years I have been on the step side of this, wanting to be a part of their lives but not wanting to step on toes. For me, the difficulty has been that the bio mom doesn’t care, doesn’t try and is abusive and hurtful toward the kids. Even though I provide 100% of their care and love them to death, even though they have called me mom for most of their lives, even though they know I’m there for them always and she always lets them down, I’m jealous of her. There is a bond there that will never be broken [and shouldn’t be] but I know I’ll never have that with them. I sometimes feel like if I mess up, I’ll lose their love but with her… they love her unconditionally. There isn’t any easy place to be in a blended family. It is work, but worth it. I applaud you for putting the kids first!
Thank you so much for writing this. I’m in the middle of divorcing my husband of 12 years. We have an 11 year old. Something has been stuck deeply in my craw about my (current) relationship with my (former) friend who is his (non) girlfriend. She spends time with my daughter, she loves my daughter, but she refuses to mend any fences with me. What you’ve written explains why that is so hard for me.
Then there’s my own new relationship, his interactions with my daughter, and my future with his son. We grownups sure can screw things up, eh?