What did Mr Spock say when he looked in the toilet?
Captains Log
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Hello, and welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline. If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly. If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2. If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
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Confucius says, “A constipated man does not give a crap.”
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How many folk singers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two. One to change the bulb, and one to write a song about how good the old light bulb was.
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How many Taoists does it take to change a light bulb?
You cannot change a light bulb. By its nature it will go out again.
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How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A tree in a golden forest.
Oh, lawsy mercy this cracked me up. “A tree in a golden forest.” Oh, geez I’m laughing
There’s some line from the movie Stripes that my brother always says to me. It’s totally incoherent and doesn’t belong wherever he says it. I’ll say something like, “When you are and the boys coming up?” and he’ll say, “There was one?” I bust a gut every time.
Dear Leah Peah–
I don’t know you. I found you months and months ago through DOOCE, whom I also don’t know. I live in Alabama. You’re a professional blogger, so you’re used to strangers knowing about some of your life, so I hope you don’t take offense to me commenting on your last post. I hate how unhappy you sound. I often try to push away the people I love the most. I don’t know your kids, and I don’t know what will happen here. But it isn’t over yet.
Anyhow, how do you know if your drummer’s platform is level?
The drool is sliding down both sides of his face evenly.
mcp
I got this one from a Guy Kawasaki interview:
How many Macintosh engineers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
One: he holds the lightbulb still and the world spins around him.
(Adjust for “she/her” if we’re speaking about a female engineer, of course.)
I love that second one. I was recently told by my EMDR therapist that I am categorically co-dependent. I didn’t like hearing it, but I always ask other people to dial my numbers.
Sending you web-love, Josephine
Dang it, you already have a Confucius, but oh well . . .
Confucius says, “You stand on toilet, you high on pot.”
What does a Jewish Princess make for dinner?
Reservations.
How many paleontologists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Six. One to change the lightbulb and 5 to figure out exactly when and why the last one died.
Confucius says: Man who fly upside down crack up.
Confusius says: Man who fart in church sit in own pew.
Confusius says: Man who has itchy butt often wake up with stincky fingers.
My favorite books: “yellow rivers” by I.P. Daily. Or
“rusty bedsprings”: by I.P. Nightly
“antlers in the trees” by Whogoose Themoose
or the chineese classic “spots on the wall” by Whoflungpoo
Wow: a drummer joke in your comments section. Bossy is a drummer so she’ll add one more:
How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They have machines to do that now.
(answering phone)
“Good afternoon, urologist’s office. Can you hold?”
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
Because he was dead of course.