Mormon Exclusive

If you are into the Plan of Salvation, and you know you are, here’s a diagram taken straight off the chalkboard from my sister’s Sunday School Lesson for the 11 year old class. Didn’t she do a great job?? Rhoda is The Rad.

I don’t do Mormon church anymore for me. I don’t believe most of what they teach. But I find myself there with my kids or in this case, my sister. Consequently, I am not the proud owner of any ‘callings’ where I get to inflict my version of religion on young, impressionable minds. I can’t even remember the last time I was in one of the Primary classrooms with the young’uns, let alone teaching the class. My sister, on the other hand, is a regular teacher and she does it with flair. Notice the nice arrow points every which way. And I must admit that even I learned something new. THAT is how good a teacher she is.

My favorite part of the class were the kids. Two of the boys seemed to have a prior rival situation going long before last Sunday. Kid #1 was pretty traditional in that he likes monster trucks and video games. He had the ‘jock laugh’ down pat and I even saw him wink at one of the girls in the class. Let’s call him Brad Pitt. The 2nd kid sat with his legs crossed and was more introspective and serious. I loved him immediately. He had interesting things to say in a very deliberate tone about dragons, lizards, how much money he has in the bank with which to buy said lizard and carried with him an aura of feeling just a little bit better and smarter than everyone else in the room. Let’s call him John Malkovich. Here’s is just a sample of the way things were:

Rhoda: So, you can see right here that if you were righteous and made good choices, you go across this arrow and end up over here.
B.P.: I can’t believe you like lizards.
Rhoda: Please don’t be distracting.
J.M.: I can’t believe you like video games.
Rhoda: Please don’t be distracting.
B.P.: You’re so weird.
Rhoda: Please don’t be distracting. And so if you chose only kind of good things on earth, then you’re probably going to end here. (draws arrow)
J.M.: (under his breath) You will die.
B.P.: Shut up. (laughs)
Rhoda: Please don’t be distracting. Who knows where you end up if you make the wrong choices?
J.M.: The day of your apocalypse is coming nigh.
Rhoda: Please don’t be distracting. Anyone know? Ok. I’ll tell you.

After which she proceeded to fill out the majority of the picture above peppered with please don’t be distracting comments, one occasion of J.M. messing with the window and the drapes (please don’t be distracting) and twice where he ‘lost’ his scriptures. The second time he lost them, I offered to come sit next to him and share my sister’s with him. Suddenly, his appeared. It was magic without the Vegas. When she was finished and asked if anyone had any questions, John Malkovich raised his hand and said, ‘Sister Anderson. I believe I know of an easier to understand way to explain this entire plan that the kids will understand even better.’ Rhoda cautiously told him to go ahead. J.M. crossed his legs and said, ‘Ok. If you take 100 Skittles an-…’ at which point my sister interrupted him and said they didn’t have enough time to hear about how the 100 Skittles related to The Plan of Salvation. I was sad about that. I really wanted to know.

And then it was off to singing time, which I must say I haven’t missed. At all. The first nugget was when one girl in front of me asked if she could look it up in the ‘Tropical Guide’ instead of the Topical Guide and when the Sister giving the lessons told the kids to ‘Feel with your feelings..!’ with such an ecstatic look on her face. But the real winner got first prize for combining food issues, religious guilt and manipulation all at the same time when she told the entire body of kids that ‘only those kids that feel like they sang their very best should take a cookie and that if they took a cookie and hadn’t sung their very best, God would know it, but it was still their choice.’

Holy Cow.
I didn’t take a cookie.