Posted on by leohblooms

Further Proof I'm not Crazy

Remember the spider leg in the shower? This morning I woke up in a start because I felt a stirring on my arm. And lo and behold there was a spider near my shoulder. A mere breath away from my ear where it could have burrowed and laid babies in a white wispy sack nestled near my eardrum. I would have been able to hear all 500 of those babies stirring and waking and looking forward to pillaging my brain. And spelling words like WITH NEW RADIANT ACTION and PIG. After I bolted upright, I swept him off my arm and onto the carpet in one deft motion which, frankly, I can’t believe I pulled off a mere .12 seconds after I was dreaming about chucking logs from one pile to the next with Carrot Top in the Adirondack mountains and singing ‘Dinah woncha blow? Dinah woncha blow? Dinah woncha blow your horororn?’. (?)

When he hit the carpet, the spider and I stared at each other. It was a Matrix moment, as I reached over his head to the nightstand to deftly grab the magazine. My plan? Smash the crap out of him using the rolled up pages of The New Yorker. It was touch-n-go for an agonizing few moments as he attempted to wrangle the magazine away from me but in the end, articles about fashion and upcoming events in New York won out. He was dead. I was panting. And the mangled New Yorker was never to be read again.

And then I peed on him. Isn’t that what everyone does? You scoop their bodies up with a tissue, throw them in the toilet and then realize you have to go pee? You don’t want to waste a flush. I think it might be a left over ritual from when we were cavemen and had to pummel our enemies with clubs. I’m sure we peed on them when we were done.

11 Replies to “Further Proof I'm not Crazy”

  1. At least you put the spider in the toilet before you peed. I usually forget and pee on them right there on the carpet.

    whoops.

  2. You’re mad woman! You have to leave him in the tissue on the bathroom counter. Pee. Then send him to the watery grave and flush. What if he’s not quite dead?! He’ll crawl up your butt, that’s what.

  3. I’m pretty sure I just deleted the comment I just spent 5 minutes typing. In the event that it turns up anyway, you can assume that I’M crazy.

    Okay, first of all, I have found rogue spider legs in my house before. I have a cat. It’s not unusual. I knew you weren’t crazy all along.

    Secondly, while this post made me laugh out loud, I feel your pain. I, too have a fear that a spider will crawl up my nose or in my ear and lay eggs. And I, too, pee on the spider after I kill it. But Jim’s comment gives me pause, because there’s always this little voice in the back of my head saying, “What if it’s not dead yet? What if it leaps from the water and bites me on the ass!?”

  4. jon – i hear antibacterial wipes are good for that kind of thing.

    jim – what if he IS still alive and starts to get out of the tissue and walk away on the counter and i have to go and find him and kill him again??

    HD – sadly, no cat. and i’m pretty sure that my urine will kill him if he is still alive….right? (say yes, because i always have the same thought as jim, too)

  6. Oh. How. I. Hate. Spiders. *shudder*
    I would rather deal with mice, rats, rabid skunks or a child with explosive diarrhea, than deal with a spider.

  7. I don’t think I’d be able to pee on it because I’d have this irrational fear that it would come back alive and somehow crawl up near my nether regions. I think I might waste the flush rather than risk a spider on my butt.

    Hey, I said it was irrational.

  8. I think our spider-killing reflexes come straight from what’s left of our old reptile brain. There is no time for that pesky, analytic frontal cortex when it comes to slaying bugs.

    BTW: I’m with Shannon and Jim. I can’t sit on the toilet with Mr. Creepy Crawly that close to my bum.

  10. What you didn’t mention is how the entire time you’re peeing, you’re wondering if they’re REALLY dead because you know even with one leg intact and half a body they’re still alive, so you try to hurry and…WHAT’S THAT TICKLE ON MY ASS???

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