Category: tv

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Random

I’m kind of a health-nut eater. I like organic, all natural etc. etc. But for some reason, Cap’n Crunch Berries makes me swoon in ecstasy. The cereal is particularly crunchy and cuts the crap out of the roof of my mouth and it hurts for a few days. I know before I eat it that when I finish the bowl, within minutes, my mouth will hurt. And still I eat. I gave up meth, but don’t ask me to give up my Crunch Berries.

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While staying in and doing my best to indulge in my own independence by not participating in Independence Day, I watch about an hour of Janice Dickinson that I can never get back. She would like to hire you because you move her with your great ethnic looks. But she would not like to hire your nose, so you’ll need to get that done. Also, she has two words for you: ‘Out!’

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I watched the mama bird for weeks. She religiously stayed at the nest and every time I opened the sliding glass door to go in the yard, she flew out of the rafters right above my head to the tree at the edge of the fence. Sometimes she would call at me a little, not sure if I was a danger to her eggs or not, but making some noise to distract me all the same. She tried to be patient while I sat in the swing, having my nightly smoke, rocking back and forth, back and forth. I would try to soothe her while I soothed myself with the steady rhythm.

One evening, I heard small and insistent peeps coming from the nest. The mama bird flew to the fence as expected, but then came three feet in front of me on the ground, scolding. How large I must have looked to her; so threatening. And yet, she was unafraid and lectured me soundly.

A few weeks later, as I unwound in the swing, I noticed her absence. The familiar swoosh as I came out the door had been missing. In the dwindling light, I noticed two shapes on the cement slightly to the right. And there they were: her babies, still and quiet, legs stiff. I was startled. Then sad. Then outraged on their behalf. And then from the left, I saw the mama bird flying in, worm in her mouth. She walked to one and then the other, questioning them, asking them to wake up and take a bite. And then I saw the other bugs and worms around them in a cluster here and there. She had been at it for hours. There were ants coming in, marching from the crack in the cement, looking at the bugs, sure, because they were there, but more importantly, exploring the babies. I looked at their fully formed wings, their tiny beaks, and wondered allowed what had happened? She had been so diligent! So ferociously diligent!

We wrapped them in paper and set them in the rubbish bin, Joe helping out with the wrapping since I couldn’t bare it. And we kept our thoughts to ourselves. And I cried a little for the mama and her babies that would never fly.

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Things Stuck in My Head

“After much deep and profound brain things inside my head…”

From Madagascar, which I didn’t see when it came out because I thought it would be so dumb, and also, my kids are older and weren’t interested in seeing it and to go to an animated movie by yourself is making a bigger commitment to my inner child than I’m willing to make unless I really, really like it. And, as I said, I didn’t think I would. Oh, how wrong I was. It’s on HBO right now and I think I’ve seen it about 15 times partially and 3 times all the way through. Ali G is the voice of the Lemur King, who says the above quote. It drove me crazy trying to figure out who the voice was, since I couldn’t quite place it but I knew I knew it. Why didn’t I look it up right away, you might ask? It’s a dumb game Joe and I play – where we try to name the voices without needing Google. I feel so much pride in my victory when I recognize the voices all on my own, and most importantly, before Joe.

“I exuberate fantastic-isms.” “Mer-man! *cough* *cough* Mer-man!”

Zoolander. I do not like most of Ben Stiller’s work. But I do love this movie.

“I remember when, I remember, I remember when I lost my mind. There was something so pleasant about that phase. Even your emotions have an echo in so much space.” and “And I hope that you are having the time of your life. But think twice. That’s my only advice.”

Gnarls Barkley, Crazy Nelly Furtado’s live version is pretty nice, too.

By the way, it’s summer. Things in my life have been turned upside down in so many ways but the best way, is that the kids are around more. Yes, they tease more. Yes, it drives me crazy. Yes, I end up threatening to ground someone, after which, we all have a good laugh because the last time I actually grounded someone was about 8 years ago, and even then, they might not have deserved it. Now when I say it, it’s a way to introduce humor. My kids are so easy going and usually exhausted by whichever sport they are in and by the increasingly alarming amounts of homework they bring home. But right now, homework and sports-less, they use their energy for evil by teasing each other. Devon, age 17 is the worst one. I know exactly where he is in the house because of the screaming coming from that direction.

In a week, we should be in Oregon on a sandy beach enjoying the vacation we’ve had planned for a year with my sister and her family. But we won’t. Extenuating circumstances have created a world with no Oregon beach in it and the loss of a $500 deposit. When I get done sobbing, wailing and gnashing my teeth I might try to figure out an alternate vacation plan. And I better hurry because if I don’t figure out what to do with my 2 weeks of endlessly open vacation time with four teenaged and very adult-sized and hungry children with bottomless energy in a positive and creative direction, someone is going to get SO grounded.

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Reality TV and Other Nonsense with No Segues

I’m hooked on Wife Swap. Holy cow. Watching someone for an hour get dropped into a brand new element to see what happens? People experiments! Yea! Devon and I always make bets on which mom is going to cry first. I can just hear the cackling going on in the board room at the station where they decide which moms trade with whom.

“Hello New Family! I’m from a highly Christian and religious family. You are devil worshippers? Wha…?”

Crying ensues. Don’t they know going in that they are going to get messed over? It’s kind of the point of the show. Watching it reinforces my theory that people just want to stay in their comfort zone, even if it really sucks on many levels, simply because they know it.

And directly afterwards is Super Nanny. I love Jo. She kicks so much butt in so many ways. My kids are way older than the kids they always work with on the show but I don’t care. I tune in to see her mastery anyway but mostly to hear her say, ‘That is not assep’able!’ And this season, she gives out tips! For free! Because, the naughty spot could be here or here or here! It could be everywhere!
Continue reading “Reality TV and Other Nonsense with No Segues”

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Big Love

I watched the premier of Big Love on HBO yesterday night. I didn’t have super high hopes for it because I knew the hurdles it would have to overcome to be compelling. But I was looking forward to seeing how they tackled things like polygamy in the Salt Lake valley and the relationships between the wives. Sadly, I think it isn’t very realistic but maybe that makes for better TV. There are only 7 kids, first of all. Only 7? 3 wives? I think there would more like 12. And they didn’t wear garments. And the idea of the daughter Sarah Henrickson (played very well by Amanda Seyfried, who I loved in Mean Girls) working at a fast food joint and being teased by other girls her age was a little too staged. The exception being Tina Majorino‘s character who is obviously playing the friend that will try to activate Sarah back into the mainstream Mormon church. She came through as very true and likeable and completely indoctrinated like most of the girls her age that are active Mormons.

The scenes where they go to the ‘compound’ and you get to see where the polygamists live is a little harsh. I’ve been to Colorado City and haven’t seen that kind of squalor. Again, maybe just better TV that way. I do know the homes are unfinished and when you live there you have to give everything you own over to the community but they portrayed something 3rd world country-ish or something out of a Steven King novel. Also, the Roman character, the head guy going to collect tithing money from Bill Paxton‘s character, who plays the father Bill Henrickson, was a little too mafia-ish for my taste. I don’t think that really happens but I don’t really know. I never lived among the polygamists. It could all be true. I just doubt it. Except for the part where the 14 year old girl marries the prophet. That really does happen. The best moment? Boss wife #1 says, ‘Oh my heck!’ at the table speaking to the other 2 wives. That part was true.

But the winner of things about the show that bothered me: the scene where the 3rd wife, played by Ginnifer Goodwin, uses the bathroom, wipes, and then it cuts to her attacking her husband in bed without washing her hands. Eeeeew. That is so fake. All polygamist women wash their hands…….

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Olympic Coverage

I get asked 6 or 7 times a day if I’m watching the Olympics and what I think about the Olympics and if I’m enjoying the Olympics. I’ve been so half-hearted about the entire thing since it started, what with the funky intro music selections and the entire odd opening ceremonies. But watching the actual coverage has been so HARD for me but I wasn’t sure why until I read Matt H.’s take on it. I agree with his opinion. I would so enjoying watching the raw satellite feeds of each event online instead of the crappy hollywoodized tv coverage.

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Jennifer Talks to Dumb People aka Moonves

Joan of Arcadia got cancelled. In it’s place, there will be a program called, Ghost Whisperer, with Jennifer Love Hewitt. David Bianculli of the New York Daily News, the king of the great questions, asked Moonves: “Why is it that you think a show with a 25-year-old who talks to ghosts is going to do well in the same time period where you had an 18-year-old talking to God?” Moonves paused, then shot back, “I think talking to ghosts may skew younger than talking to God.”

Dude. Everyone knows that JLH was the weak link on Party of Five. Her talking to ghosts in not going to be any better than her talking to alive people.

This man makes me want to be a therapist of some kind and figure out how to help people that can’t talk but have mad piano skills.

If you know me, you know I love Gwen. Here is she, in all her hotness, on the Ellen show I couldn’t go to because I’m all adult and everything and do things in the day like work. I still can’t believe I had to turn that invitation down…..

Did you know I lived in Germany? Well, I did. And I loved it. And this story cracked me up. Germans having 1.5 to 2.3 kids was a topic of some discussion among the military wives. Mostly since we all were young, married and had at least 2.6 to 3.9 and some (me) up to 4.0+ kids of our own. What was wrong with these German young people that didn’t want to have kids? Couldn’t they see that we, the bedraggled, overtired, creased-clothing, chain smoking, lonely, drunk women had it made?

Some days, I can understand what they are saying: “There is an increasing belief that not having children is the ideal way of life,” the authors of the study concluded. Now keep in mind that the government will pay the women to have kids and stay home and take care of them. It’s not like in the USA where so many women get knocked up, have 6 kids and stay on welfare and can’t make ends meet. Their government PAYS them if they will just please, have a kid or two.

And, why aren’t they having kids? Because they go to school. “Germans also tend to be students longer than in other countries, with many still enrolled at university and college until they are at least 30. This lengthy study period is “a reliable method of contraception,” said the minister responsible for families, Renate Schmidt. Remind me to keep my kids shackled to college until age 30.

But my favorite reason cited: “In Germany, having children isn’t sexy,” said Marie-Luise Lewicki,” whose name reeks of sexiness in itself.

Does anyone else think it’s kinda ironic that the race which was at one point held in such high regard by an insane dictator to the extent of millions of people dying for his sick idea of ‘preserving the race’ is now voluntarily not procreating?

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Intervention

Joe and I watched this show on Sunday night. Intervention makes me feel like I’m sitting in the room with myself and watching the strange manifestations of mental illness, addiction and the complete inability to see or think clearly. All the people documented in the show are somehow a piece of me ages 5 – 30. I’m compelled to keep watching. It’s riveting.

I know that you have to keep the descriptions to a minimum and that you need to protect the people in the program and give them their anonymity. But I’m bothered by the labels. I don’t like labels. And all of them are given one.

Jerrie (Vicodin)
Tamela (self-destruction)

I don’t want to be reduced to one word. I don’t think I could pick only one. There are so many warped things I could call myself. And if I had tried to do that list in the height of my illness, the list really would have been about 25 deep.

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Olympics

How ’bout those Olympics, eh? I’m totally mesmerized for a few hours every night. According to the chip count, the USA has more medals than anyone else but China has 2 more Gold at the moment.

There are 28 sports. Firsts for me to watch this year are fencing and synchronized diving. Who knew?

And those tiny Romanian girls doing gymnastics…! Yeesh. There is some kinda power in those legs.

Tiny factoid: Gymnastics is one of the oldest Olympic sports. It has always been a part of the ancient, as well as the modern Olympic Games. The term �gymnastics� derives from the Greek word �gymnos�, meaning naked.

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Cheaters

1: What’s your name?
2: Why do you need to know my name for? I’m not going to tell you my name!
1: OK..(reading the front of his T-shirt) Santa Fe!
2: That’s right. Just use that!
1: Mr. Fe! (sarcastically)

and

1: There he is..going in the club with that unidentified man.
2: He told me he was going with Lisa! He lied!
1: Well, unless that man is named Lisa.

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President Bush

has ruined my whole week.

Fox had to postpone its regular edition of “American Idol” by one night. Tuesday’s regularly scheduled edition of “Idol” will run at 8 p.m. Wednesday, while the live results show moves to 8 p.m. Thursday, where it will compete against CBS’ “Survivor: All-Stars.”

Vote Kerry.

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Cheaters

This terrible, terrible show finds its way into my home about once a week. My usual position is watching it out of the corner of my eye while I try to ignore it and go to sleep. Sometimes, however, the story is so compelling that I have to sit up and take notice in spite of myself. For instance, last time on Cheaters, the girl that the cheating husband was two-timing with wasn’t even aware that he was married and therefore felt two-timed as well. As the wife tried to push her and yelled obscenities at her, she pushed and shoved back until she realized that she, too, had been duped by the adulterer. Then they both turned on the husband.

For some strange reason which I will probably never understand because it breaks all reason, she came back to the show a few months later to tell her story.

“After that scum cheated on me and his wife, I moved to Hollywood looking for a break. I wanted to find where I belonged and be an actress. I found out when I got there that you can’t just do that….it was harder than I thought. This guy told me that everyone starts in the Adult Entertainment Business. And I listened to him. And I did some Adult Entertainment. I was so ashamed and embarrassed that I only did it for a few months…like 15 times or something. And then I decided I just couldn’t do it anymore. So I came back home. And now I’m still not famous but I’m happier. And I have a legitimate acting career. I’m in the community theater production called ‘Summer Dream Catchers’ which is loosely based on Bertolt Brecht�s Mother Courage and Her Children and set in Brooklyn.”

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The best way to watch the Superbowl.

Books, papers and a laptop spread all over the bed.
It’s after 4 pm and we are still in pajamas.
The tv is on but muted.
We occasionally look up.
‘What quarter is it?’
‘Who’s ahead?”
‘Is it half-time yet?’
‘Do you have any water left?’
‘I liked that commercial.’
‘The donkey was cute.’
‘Can I check my email real quick?’
‘Oh! Hello Bas.’
‘It’s over?’
‘Who won?’
‘Someone did.’
‘Rad.’