Category: observed

I know you have an image to protect: hence the nonsense with the hats askew, bellies exposed and the underwear showing. But, is there anyway you could look like you’re trying really hard to be nonchalant while standing around in little clusters and not smoke? Your little fingers gripping the cancer sticks like they are foreign objects. Your coughing and hacking while trying to swallow after the inhale. These are signs that you should STOP.

I’ll just say no for you.

Sincerely,

leahpeah

Margot took me to dinner last night. We discussed reading credit reports, real estate, home loans and my boyfriend, Joe.
Margot paid the bill on the way out. She handed the guy her parking receipt.

M: Could I please get validation?

Guy: You look really pretty today.

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I got out of the car carefully, looking for traffic that might be coming and could take my door off. At the first open opportunity, I leapt from the car, slammed the door shut and rounded the side of my Escort to the back where I hit the curb with my right foot and smacked the pavement.

After inspecting my jeans for a tear, (none, thankfully) I hear a voice behind me.

Him: Looks like you fell.
Me: Duh! (just kidding…that was in my head)
Me for reals: Ya. *Stupid laugh*
Him: Um…you ok?
Me: Ya. *stupid laugh encore*
Him: Nothing broken? Twisted?
Me: Nope. I’m fine. Thanx.
Him: Do you want a massage? I’ll do more than your feet.
Me: ……

I open the front passenger door from the sidewalk where it’s safe from scary drivers but not from weird people and get out the coat I’m dropping off at the dry cleaners. I ignore him and start to walk away.

Him: Hey. What’s your name?
Me: I’m not telling you my name. (mumbled to the air in front of me)
Him: What? I couldn’t hear you.
Me: I’m not telling you my name!
Him: Oh. Ok.

A block later, when I get to the dry cleaners, he’s no where to be seen. I glanced over my shoulder just to be sure.

The man in the dry cleaners takes the coat.

Him: Very nice coat!
Me: Thanx. It’s my boyfriends.
Him: It don’t look dirty. Why you want it clean? Bad smell? (sniffs coat and shrugs shoulders)
Me: No. Not a bad smell. *stupid laugh act three* I was sick a few days ago. The coat was hanging up on a hook. I vomited so hard that it splashed off the floor and up on the coat. I told my boyfriend I would get it cleaned for him.
Him: Ok. I see. (big smile)

I took the receipt and headed for the door. He hurried to open the door for me. I thanked him, walked out and turned to wave goodbye and almost hit him in the head with my hand. He was walking with me.

Him: Where your car?
Me: Um…down there. (pointing indiscriminately down the block) Thanx again. (walking faster)
Him: (keeping pace with me) You no really have boyfriend.
Me: Yes. I do.
Him: Right now?
Me: Yes. Right this very minute.
Him: You sure you do? I like to date you.
Me: Yes. Really. I do. Thanx. Bye. (speed walking past my car and heading for the nail place)
Him: You come back Whezday. We talk about date then.
Me: No. I have a boyfriend. No.

He opens the door of the store for me and I walk in.

Him: Well, you pretty but you don’t want love I can’t make you.

He turned and walked back up the block to the dry cleaners.

45 minutes later I emerged with unplanned but freshly pedicured feet in neon yellow foam slippers and tried to get in the wrong car, setting off the alarm. Thankfully, there were no men around to fall prey to my feminine whiles that time.

Moral of the story:

There are no stronger aphrodisiacs than tripping in public and vomit.