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How do you know you're in YOUtah?

There are Wranglers jeans everywhere.
Cowboy hats.
Is that a costume? my child asks. No. It�s just their clothes.
It’s over 100 degrees outside and they are wearing cowboy boots.
Mullets, mullets, mullets.
And even some strange crossbreeds of mullets and military haircuts.
Let your imagination go crazy on that one.
And then there are the Mormon people, which includes my sister and her family. They have this ‘look’ about them and you can usually spot them right away. I’m not sure how to describe this look, but it’s something about clean cut and home-y.
And then there is me and my kids. Huh. We don’t exactly look like natives. (Duh! And that’s a GOOD thing, mom! says Devon…)

I’ve had MUCH much fun with my family this past week. The kids have been such good sports to be driven hours across the desert in a cramped car with no air conditioning. My brother and sisters have been so happy to see my kids and my kids have been so happy to see their cousins. And since I’ve stayed true to form, we’ve had a few extra driving hours here and there (while I drove the wrong direction) for extra family bonding moments….

I’ve taken photos and some will find their way to the gallery site in the next few days.
I’ve been juggling loan consulting while on vaca and it’s been tricky but do-able.
I love being with my kids.
I miss Joe.

Be nice to yourself.

lp

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Update

The person that took the dog returned him and collected the reward. The kids are walking around saying, ‘That lady gypped us! But at least we got Marky back.’ What lesson is supposed to be learned here? Or maybe it’s just one of those things that just are. Know what I mean? Sometimes you can’t find a cliche to fit the moment. Luke warm verbiage is still fresh on my mind from Masked the other night. I don’t think i’ve ever heard so many pat little sentences in one place.

Cut off your nose to spite your face. Success is a journey not a destination. He was on that like a pack of dogs on a three-legged cat. Running around like a chicken with it’s head cut off. Every cloud has a silver lining. Sour grapes. Poorer than a pickpocket in a nudist colony. Bank it. Tastes like chicken. There’s no free lunch. Put your foot down. Scarce as hen’s teeth. Not enough room to swing a cat. One french fry short of a happy meal. Yada, yada, yada.

Let it go, Leah. Let it go…..

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Masked and Anonymous Review

I went to see Masked and Anonymous.
The Movie.
Starring Bob Dylan.

No, wait. It gets better.

The movie also stars Jeff Bridges, Pen�lope Cruz, John Goodman, Jessica Lange and Luke Wilson.
There are about a thousand cameos during the film including Angela Bassett, Bruce Dern, Ed Harris (a charming song and dance man who reminds him of his youth and a vanished past), Val Kilmer (a philosophical Animal Wrangler), Cheech Marin, Chris Penn, Giovanni Ribisi, Mickey Rourke and Christian Slater (who was absolutely the best part of the movie).

Now I know what you’re saying. How can any movie with that many cameos not be wonderful?

Duh.

If you don’t want to invest the money or time in this movie (and I strongly suggest you don’t), just imagine Bob Dylan acting the same way he sings: brilliantly underwhelming. It works for his music. Not for the cinema. Some scenes were almost painful to watch.

In one scene, Jeff Bridges’ character keeps questioning Jack Fate (Bob Dylan) about his past. He keeps edging into Jack’s personal space, getting closer and closer. His questions get more pointed and the music escalates to a point where you know confrontation is about to take place. Suddenly, Jack gives Mr. Bridges a little push on the chest as if to say, ‘Hey, would you please move out of my way? Don’t make me yell for my dad.’ I laughed out loud.

Yes, the movie was quite something.

Well, with this as the tag, what can you expect?

Set somewhere, sometime, in an America wracked by an endless and senseless civil war, MASKED AND ANONYMOUS is the story of a benefit concert and a musician named Jack Fate (Bob Dylan).

In other news:

I love my job at GTI.

Someone stole my kids’ dog, Marky. That stinks and the kids are really upset. I don’t understand that kind of thing. What kind of person does that?

The Utah trip is this weekend.

Still moving soon.

Devon graduated from middle school. Photos are here.

quic recap for the kids:
i’m SO SO SO sorry to hear about marky. i’m keeping my fingers crossed that you get him back. the photos are linked above to your graduation, dev.
see you all soon!
much MUCH love,
mom

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No Title.

This past weekend was filled with cold showers, too many used towels piled on the floor, squished people in the car, a little fighting and teasing(ok…a lot of that), some good food, some great times hanging out and an all around wonderful 2 days.

Lots going on. Too busy to breathe let alone blog effectively. But it’s 97% all good stuff. And I promise to catch you all up later.

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Tires and Shoes

I was officially extended the job offer to work at GTI. Very, Very cool.
The next few weeks are going to be crazy-busy with doing wrap up photo shoots for the July issue of North and juggling web design work with loans.
It’s a crazy life but it’s all mine.

Today I got the new tire put on my car.
I know, I know….it’s been an entire week or so riding around on the donut…what was I THINKing? etc. etc. That’s just the way it worked out.
I’m still alive and the car is fine…no harm done.
I wore clean underwear every day just in case.
Feel better?

While waiting for my tire to get done, I overheard a phone call between Eric, the guy behind the desk and some unidentified young man who is unavailable to defend himself.
It went something like this:

Eric: ‘Hello and thank you for calling Discount Tires! How can I help you today?’
pause
Eric: ‘What? I’m not sure I understand. Could you please repeat that?’
pause, distractedly trying to help me and failing miserably.
Eric: ‘Um…look. Why don’t you come down here. I can’t really help you over the phone.’
pause, sudden irritation and disbelief.
Eric: ‘Son, are you trying to sell me a TIRE?? I WORK at Discount Tires! I’m not going to take some Michelin tires off your hands! Call the Penny Saver!’
click.

Why did this make me laugh?

1. Eric looked about 25. Is that old enough to call someone else ‘son’?
2. I hate when I’m at a counter and the person working there answers the phone and makes me wait. I’m there IN the store. I was FIRST. Let that person calling get their lazy butt down to the store like I had to!!
3. You have to admire someone willing to try and sell a product to a retail store. I’ve wanted to call Payless Shoes plenty of times and ask them to buy some of the pairs I purchased a few years ago during a crazy-shoe-buying phase. I have no idea where I bought them from at this point but I figure someone going to Payless might not care if they don’t look like the rest of the stock available. Who cares when you’re getting a $50 pair of shoes for $15?

quick recap for the kids:
sometimes you do what you have to do, pray really hard and hope for the best, gearing up for our utah trip, moral of the tire story: don’t buy too many shoes.
grande love to you.
mom

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Mostly Good Things

Last night I saw Spellbound. I loved it. Really.
Have a job interview tomorrow for a steady part time job at Gordon Training. I need it. Really.
Have a lead on a place to live. I really need that, too.
Still riding around on the donut. Getting a new tire soon.
Planning the family vaca to Utah at the end of the month.
Read a really funny blog written by Matthew Baldwin called the Defective Yeti. I laughed and laughed and lau…..be sure to check out his favorite posts.
Took a photo of a bird in a stoplight.
Spending lots of time with Joe. I like him.
Working on an article for the Union Tribune.
Passed over an opportunity to try to be a full time Art Director at North.
Told them I would temp for them. We’ll see.
I’d rather be their photographer.
Reading a book called The Tipping Point recommended to me by Greg DeBerry.It’s fascinating to learn more about human behavior.

quick recap for the kids:
who loves you? yo’ mamma!

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Auto story #37:

My right front tire finally blew. It couldn’t have happened at a better time. It could have gone over the weekend when my kids were here or it could have gone while I was driving to Simi Valley and taking them home or when I was on my way back last night. I was tired of pumping it up with air twice a day anyway. That game got old after the first 3 weeks. And I’m glad my dad made me learn how to change a tire and other basic car maintenance before I could drive a car. Although, a nice guy named Jose stopped when I was just about done and scolded me for doing ‘man’s work.’ He told me I should have waited for someone like him to do it for me. I let him help me tighten the lug nuts. I think it made him feel a little better. Anyway, thank you Jose. It was nice to know you would have helped me if I didn’t know how to do it.

I had a wonderful weekend with the kids. I can’t wait to take them to Utah in a few weeks. I know my family is excited to see them, too.

Not feeling well today. I think I’m going to take a nap and start the day over again later.

quick recap for the kids:
sadly and thankfully, you missed the excitement of a blown tire and a chance to learn something new. good luck with ‘everything end of the school year’ much love, mom

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I saw half a movie last night.

I saw half a movie last night. I’ll get to see the other half in a few months when Matrix: Revolutions comes out. I have to say I’m disappointed. It would have been nice if the Wachowski Brothers had just made a 3.5 hour 2nd part instead of trying to make more money off everyone by splitting it into thirds. I feel like I had to share my dessert with too many people and only got a lick off the spoon. What about the yummy creamy filling??

I hate the end of the TV seasons where every other second you’re bombarded by commercials for ‘spellbinding, spectacular, cliffhanging, heart racing shows that are changing the way we watch television!’ You can’t even listen to the radio without hearing about the amazing events of the coming evening on the tele. This is one of the reasons I don’t watch much TV. My heart can’t take all the excitement. And I don’t like to wait for months until the next seasons starts. I’d rather not watch it at all. Thus you can understand my irritation at the Brothers Wachowski.

Other news: I’m not moving to Utah. I am moving somewhere in 30 days not that far away from where I am now. As soon as I have a forwarding address I’ll let you know.
Here is the link to what is left over from the auction.

I see the kids this weekend. And not a moment too soon.

quick recap for the kids:
i hope you don’t go see reloaded: it has far too much adult content for you (that includes you, dev!) can’t wait to see you this weekend.
hugs and kisses,
mom

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so much is going on

but then again, not really. I’m not really accomplishing much of anything although I’m creating quite a wake in the water as I paddle and lurch around.

So many hard questions lately. And not many answers. My life is in flux once again and I hate it. Someday I hope to be sitting on the deck of a home I’ve lived in for many, many years and tell my grandkids how nice it is to have put down roots.

I appear to have found my dream job. It’s working with a group called A Reason To Survive or ARTS. They provide free art classes for kids in trauma, i.e. with cancer or fatal diseases, abused or disturbed kids. They also provide free classes to the families of the kids. This group is so great! I met with Matt, the founder the other day and we talked about me coming on as a program director in August. It really is what I’d love to do with the rest of my life. The downside: it’s 2+ months away. Can I find a way to make it till then? We’ll see.

Worst thing I’ve heard someone say in a really, really long time: “Of course we wish you weren’t here. We wish you didn’t exist! But you do, so we’ll just work with what we’ve got.’ Way harsh. I hope I keep the good sense to never let it pass by my lips to hurt another person. It’s amazing the kinds of things people say to each other. And it’s amazing the things you hear when you don’t want to.

quick recap for the kids:
i had such a wonderful mother’s day weekend with you! i can still hear tony singing happy mother’s day in his opera voice and alex singing to me the song she wrote. i loved getting a few extra hugs from ty and dev, thanx for helping look through the classifieds. Alex, here is the photo from your cheer tryouts.
watch what you say to others. it matters.
so much love i might burst,
mom

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The Auction.

So. I’m having an auction on May 17th aptly named ‘I don’t want to move to Utah.’
Because I don’t.
But I might need to.
Here’s hoping I find a way to make the creditors go away. Like making enough money……

Everyone is invited. Are you in the market for great art at auction prices? (did you hear my tv commercial voice??) If you want more information, email me and I’ll send you the invite.

One spot of good news: I might get a position as an apartment manager. Then at least my housing would be taken care of. Keep your fingers crossed for me.

Did a photo shoot last night in partial darkness. Good think I had my trusty Reflector Man by my side. He came to the rescue and as a result, I have great photos to turn into the magazine.
Thanx Joe.

quick recap for the kids:
only 2 more days if you don’t count today.
grande love,
mom

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The movie tonight

was Rivers and Tides: Andy Goldsworthy Working With Time. He uses natural elements like leaves, rocks, twigs etc to create temporary sculpture. What I like about him and his work: totally transitional, in tune with nature and meant to embrace its ephemerality. I do the same type of things in my paintings.

The idea has been around forever. Literally. I think God, while making the Earth with it’s ever changing looks and patterns, had that in mind.

Native Americans have sand paintings. African Tribes use paint on their bodies. Gardeners the world over use it in planning their masterpieces. How about chalk designs on the sidewalk, sand castles or forts at the beach, snowmen or even food. (Have you SEEN Iron Chef ? ! )

Sufficit to say, I enjoyed the documentary much. Andy Goldsworthy has an exhibit at the Museum of Contemporary Art San Diego running until August 26th of this year. Photos and drawings of his work are shown along with some sculpture.

Other news: the new column is up at Writers Monthly.
And the first issue of North with my photos in it is out as well. You’ll notice there is no link to the North site this time. Apparently, a disgruntled previous employee has held the site hostage along with all the email services. He had them registered in his name instead of the business name. People are so strange. In any case, if you happen along a copy of the magazine anywhere in North County, pick one up and let me know what you think.

quick recap for the kids:
can’t wait to see you this weekend.
love to you from me.
mom

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The question is……

a fair one I guess. I get asked it all the time although people have a hard time maintaining eye contact while they ask. Which is why it gets asked in email a lot.

I’m not sure it’s anyone’s business. But, on the other hand, we are all interested in the situations of our fellow humans. I know I am.

So. The questions are basically these:
Why don’t my kids live with me? Why do they live with their father?
Don’t I miss them? How can I go on living when they are not with me? (usually asked by other mothers)
What did I do to make them have to live somewhere else? (usually asked by men)

When their father and I separated, I had no means of taking care of them and was suffering from a mental illness. I made the hardest choice in my life to leave them and get well.

Their father had to be both mom and dad to them. He got them through what must have seemed like abandonment by their mom and tried in every way to help them see that I loved them and that it wasn’t their fault that I had to go and that I was going to get well eventually. Which I did.

A lot happens in a year. He moved them to a new neighborhood for a fresh start. He got them enrolled in things and started them in school. He gave them stability and schedules. He got remarried. They have a life there with a school, church network, friends and a neighborhood.

Although legally they could spend half of their time with me and half with their father and his wife, you have to consider what’s best for the kids. Is it best for them to be enrolled in 2 schools and have 2 sets of friends and have 2 church groups and 2 neighborhoods? I know some couples do this and I’m not knocking their way. I’m just telling you that it isn’t what their father and I decided was best for our children. Living 2 lives brings with it so many downsides that it makes the most sense for the kids to live primarily in one place. At this time, it’s with their father. It may always be so. Or it could change later. I can’t read the future. And I’m not going to worry about it. I’m just going to enjoy the now.

Do I miss my kids? Of course! I miss them everyday. And I ache for them. And I pray for them and wish things for them. How can I go on living? Because the alternative is stupid! I want to live and see them grow and change. Why would I choose anything different?

All that being said, I have to say it’s a little irritating. Men, I don’t think, get asked these kinds of questions when they don’t live with their kids. I have more compassion for those dads now that I know what it feels like to miss out on all the ‘little life-things’ that happen everyday I’m away. And I know I miss out.

I allow myself a certain amount of sadness over these feelings and then I press on with life. Because I have to. I refuse to wallow in self pity. I refuse to have a negative outlook on my life. I refuse to let the things I don’t like in my life outrank the things that I do like. And I didn’t work so hard for so many years to pull myself out of a mental hell to not do something worthwhile and positive with my life. Hence the book and the art therapy work. I do what I can with what I have and enjoy every single blessed moment I get with my beautiful children.

quick recap for the kids:
i love you.
mom