This is Larry. Larry is neither a he nor a kitty. She’s currently wearing a calming cat collar similar to this one that emits pheromones making her friendly and pettable. And just so gosh darn cute.
Larry Good Kitty
Whatever You Want
Me in January 2011
Orange Guy
I Fell Down. Hard.
I was fine. Then I was great. When things broke into a spectacular million pieces, no one was more surprised than I.
Riding Bipolar’s emotional roller-coaster is tricky. Sometimes when you see yourself at the top, you’re really nearing the bottom and in for the mother of all spills. Only you don’t know it. And because it’s so much fun to be around a highly energetic, charismatic and bubbly person, people close to you might not have any clue. At least until you turn that corner from charming and energetic to scary and frenetic, immediately followed by obsessive, negative, frustrated and unkind. Ultimately, you hit the wall and enter loathing, depression and hopelessness where death seems like not only the solution but the inevitable.
I’m trying to figure out what happened. Beyond a major chemical imbalance where my medications stopped working, there were more things broken than I understood. Understand.
Standing outside myself, poking the situation with a stick to see the size, color and consistency of it, I’m afraid. But much less afraid now. Months have passed. I’ve gained a little perspective and I’m much more interested in figuring out what I was doing/thinking that contributed to hitting the wall than hiding what I still can, scrambling for some strands of dignity. Trying to save face and appear as ‘normal’ as possible. Fuck normal. Normal is whatever is happening at any given moment to any certain person in any specific situation. Impossible to quantify and regulate. Let it go.
I’ve been online a long time. I’ve shared much and been as honest as I can, where honest for me in the past has meant fully transparent. Divulging everything, almost vomiting truth all over the place. As I consider how I want to approach things now, I wonder how healthy that is for me, to lay everything out like that all the time. I think I might need some balance. Bipolar and balance are not often found in the same place. It’s either not talk at all or talk about every, single thing happening, no matter how deep or intimate. No thought to if I’ll wish in the future I could somehow reach out and grab that wisp back.
I’m so great at making unhealthy and ridiculous declarations like I’m not going to do that ever again! From now I’m always going to do it this way! I will only accept that if you present it this way! I will only give to you if I can do it this way! First of the year resolutions have in the past felt like declarations to me. I think I’ve confused them. Resolutions. Declarations.
Instead, let me just say that this new year finds me puzzled, intrigued, interested and motivated to work on how I share myself.
Light Balls from Kinokuniya
Pretty Dead Things
Sad Grizzly
Fin 2010
This past year has turned out to be quite something, no?
Here is the family on Thanksgiving Day.
Joe’s wonderful mom Phyllis made a graceful adieu in October. You could not have asked for a better mother-in-law or friend. We spent much of 2010 initially getting to know each other and eventually sharing inside jokes. Having never been a morning show person, I was amused sometime during the summer when I realized that watching Regis and Kelly and then Hoda and Kathie Lee with Phyllis were the best hours of the morning. Actually, I guess watching her watch them was the fun part. Phyllis got a kick out of everything. Her joy and happiness were almost always right at the surface ready to bubble out. For a quick look into the kind of person she was, read what she wrote for a book I was working on. You can see so much about her through her wonderful smile.
I’ve taken a big step back from the internetty way of life. I’ve downsized. I’m working on a much more local level and relearning how to be happy. I went in the mental hospital, came out on more medication than you could shake a stick at. I went to intensive out-therapies for months and changed meds around. Still in progress. My brain is frequently on fire then ice.
Music plays a huge part of my day. It soothes my soul, heals my heart and cleanses my chakras. You can view my fav 2010 songs – Leahpeah 2010 Fasty Mix and Leahpeah 2010 Slowy Mix.
I realize this update is not what some of you have been waiting for and I’m sorry for that. Let me add that to the tip of my 2010 regrets pile before I sweep them out the door, never to obsess over again. I have to keep my front porch clean and open to new possibilities, you see.
My father-in-law Jim, a doctor, has just prescribed a treatment of 2 rice krispies treats to be taken over the next 4 hours and I need to get on that. If I don’t see you around for awhile, take good care of yourself.
xoxo
Leah
The Real World
My life-coach, Piper, told me about a used bookstore downtown that would give you store credit for used books. I decided I would go there and see what I could get in exchange for some airplane novels I had hanging around.
Venturing out into the world that day was hard. Since I was released from the hospital, I haven’t gone and done much of anything besides going to my support groups, appointments and meetings. That morning, everything sounded overwhelming and I didn’t even want to get up. I called Piper to tell her I was staying in that day and she basically said, “Get your ass out of that bed, woman!” and so I did.
Then I called Piper back. “OK. I’m up. Now what?”
“Get in the shower, dumb-ass! And I’ll save us a phone call – after your shower, GET DRESSED.”
After completing those tasks, I grabbed the box of books and went to find the bookstore, armed with my printed GoogleMap. Miraculously, I found it with no problem.
I looked for parking and found some parallel spots in front. I’ve parallel parked before. I know the drill. I’ve been an expert at it since I was 15. I’ve amazed people with my ability to snug a large vehicle in spaces a large vehicle has no business being. Seeing the open spots didn’t even register as anything that might be a hard thing. I pulled up to the parked car, swung the backend towards the curb and proceeded to place Bessy in between the cars. Only, I ended up not in the right place and my car was about 3 feet still in the driving lane. No worries. I pulled up and did it again. Same result. This time, I was embarrassed. SOMEONE was watching from SOMEWHERE on the street and they were laughing at me. I couldn’t see them, but I knew it.
I then began one of those endless up, back, up, back, up, back things where you do move closer to the curb each time by about 2 inches, but it’s very unsatisfying. I paused, looked around for the laughing people, and noticed a space that had opened up a few spaces up. The space looked bigger! I was saved!
I pulled out of the stupid space that wasn’t working and went up to the one that was bigger. Bigger enough, in fact, that I could just drive nose in first and swing the back in afterward. I thought. And I thought wrong. SO THEN I had to back out of THAT space and try to parallel park in it. IS THIS GETTING BORING YET?
I finally got the car’s tires only about 3 inches over the line and said GOOD ENOUGH, grabbed the books, wiped the sweat from under my pits with a slightly used napkin from Sonic, took some deep breaths and went in.
Inside was a woman furiously going through boxes of books and setting them into piles. She looked busy. She was busy. But, she saw me standing near the door watching her and correctly assumed I was weird. Then she held her arms out for my box.
As she started going through them, I noticed that the middle book of a trilogy was in the wrong spot and she wouldn’t know they were together. I reached my hand into the box and pointed.
“This one right here…”
“Yep. I see it.”
Why didn’t I stop there? She said she saw it. But I thought maybe she SAW it but didn’t LOOK at it and didn’t realize it went with the other two. I stuck my hand back in the box and pointed.
“Right, but this one right there, it goes with these two.” She continued going through the box, but replied, “Yes, I know my job. I got it!”
She wasn’t really mean. She was busy. And I was fragile in the middle of a really hard day where I was summoning courage I didn’t have to venture out in the world. And I even knew that at the time logically. She was doing her job, she was busy, and I was making her job harder and longer.
I straightened back up, leaving her bent over the box to finish and to my horror, I started to cry. Like, chin wobbling, crocodile tears and drippy snot cry. I stood there like a statue, 1. because I didn’t want to call attention to myself and 2. because if I left, I wouldn’t get my little red card with my store credit amount and I would never get a book there and I would NEVER come back in because I would be so embarrassed. So, I stood there. And I WILLED myself to stop crying.
The lady stood up, grabbed a card, glancing at me a few times, wrote down $27.00, and handed it to me. I took it and tried to smile.
“Um, are you OK?” I nodded yes and wiped my nose on my sleeve. She walked from around the desk and came in to give me an awkward hug. And then I cried harder. With noises. I was so horrified that I couldn’t stop and I had no idea why I was crying in the first place.
I decided to act normal. Why not? It couldn’t get worse. She asked me to follow her as she walked around the store pointing out things I might like based on what I had brought in. I kept sniffling and nodding and wiping tears. She patted my arm and went back to the front of the store and left me looking at Guide to Holistic Medicine. Being alone was nice, with no one looking at me. I kept trying to get it together, man, get it together! A few quiet moans came out followed by one semi-loud one. I was so glad no one was there to hear me.
I kept staring at the book, not comprehending what I was seeing and I finally put it back on the shelf, and decided to leave. I turned around and bumped into a short Asian woman who was trying to look over the Self-Help section. She looked at me with concerned eyes. “I don’t know what is making you so sad,” she said, “But whatever it is, you need lots of hugs.” Then she leaned up on her tip-toes and gave me a huge hug. And I gave her one back and it felt so nice. It didn’t feel awkward at all which surprised me. She rubbed my back and said, “There, there.” I thanked her and walked out the door, to the car, where I found that all the surrounding vehicles were gone, giving me easy access to leave.
I got in the van, locked the doors and called Piper to tell her how mean it was that she made me get out of bed and showered and go out in the scary world, but I was crying so hard that all that came out sounded more like the seals and whales talking together.
WHHHOOOaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnngggggggggggggggggguuuuuuuu!!!1
And I’m pretty sure she laughed. And today, I can laugh about it, too. But I don’t know if I’ll be going into that bookstore any time soon.
Humongous Thank You
Friends,
I can’t express how much your notes, emails, texts, messages, love, support and prayers have meant to me this past week. Joe printed everything out and brought them to me in the hospital. Every night it was like a surge of encouragement to work hard and keep going.
My meds are still being fine-tuned. I’m a little up and down. I occasionally get a wave of hopelessness that dissipates in a few minutes, but the lithium is definitely making a difference.
I’m not quite ready to jump back into regular life, but I am sticking a few toes in.
I would be dead if it wasn’t for Joe. He saved my life and continues to do so. He’s gentle and sincere and kind and loving and I can’t believe how lucky I am to have him as a partner in life.
I’m still processing everything that’s happened. I’ll write more next week.
Have a wonderful holiday weekend.
xoxoxoxoxoxoxo
Leahpeah Update I Suppose
They’re fucking with my head, switching around my medications. Huge-ass increase of lithium today. This afternoon I was able to stop crying and all signs point to improvement.
I hope this weekend finds me at home with Joe having coffee on the deck. Thanks so much for your love and support. It has meant the world to me and helped me through some very dark places.
xoxo.
dictated to Joe 8:15pm Eastern, 31st of August, 2010