I’m totally on vacation. This is the first vacation I’ve had in a long, loooooong time where I don’t have to think about work at all. Except I do. I can’t help it. My brain is always leaving the present situation of vegging and relaxation and fun and dogs and darling little girls and good friends to ‘I wonder if we are going to meet that deadline?’ and ‘What if so-and-so doesn’t get that done in time?’ and ‘Did I remember to tell him that we need to check in on that?’ and ‘It’s totally NOT going to get done if I don’t remind them to do that part!’ And then my heart starts to race and I feel the beginning of an anxiety attack. I have to talk myself back down from the ledge and enforce The Vacation Rules. Which, I’m probably breaking by even writing about it right now, but baby steps, ok?
When did I turn into this work-a-holic? I don’t have to commute anymore because we work at home and so theoretically, my day should be shorter than the 13 hours it used to be, but I actually think it’s longer. No, I know it’s longer. I’ve forgotten how to just spend a day any way I want. The concept of ‘free time’ means nothing to me now because any free time I have isn’t free. It’s wasted unless I’m doing something for the business. And there is always more work. There is always more work than I have time for. So how could there be Free Time?
This self-imposed break on work is really difficult for me. I want to call people and check in on something about every 4 seconds. I’m listening to someone speaking, here in real life, right in front of me, and my mind starts to wander back over to work. Sometimes it’s REALLY hard to stay in the present. And the present right now is – I’m On Vacation. I have to learn to trust those around me to do what they say they will do and accomplish the tasks they agree to do whether I’m reminding them or not. Because if it keeps going on like it has been, I’m going to die from a heart attack. Or strangulation by people I work with. One or the other.
See, this is your problem. You’ve got a job.
I don’t even HAVE a job, and I’m fine! Try it! Kid tested, mother approved!
I have a tough time letting go until I change my scenery. But once I’m ensconced in a hotel room—be it swank or seedy—or some other poor devil’s house, I’m all, “Woo-hoo, pass the fruity umbrella drinks!”
just breathe….. inhale. exhale….. it’s easy.
You’re doing great, baby.
It’s usually the “getting away” not the being away that gets to me. If I can manage to babystep my way out the door, into the car, to the airport, baby stepping, one tiny (size 9) foot in front of the other, trying not to think ahead. Oh, or behind. Or at all. Eventually I can almost, sort of, kind of, a little tiny bit, almost begin to relax. Sort of. Kind of. With alcohol. And pharmecuticals.
Well, on second thought, maybe not. It’s giving me anxiety just thinking of it. I may even need the alcohol and pharmecuticals just to think of it. So, never mind. I hope you are a better babystepper than me.
(PS I wrote you a while back about your interview with Andy Behrman – I met Andy in 2002 and we had some nice “one psycho to another psycho” talks comparing medications. He was quite taken with my ability to tolerate mass quantities of Trazadone!)
As I begin my weekend in the routine weekend ritual, I realized you need to do what I do.
Drink.
Okay, enjoy.
I don’t know sweetpea, I’ve never had that problem. I’ve always been an nap-a-holic, chronic, recurring.
I think the better I feel, the more I’m able to do or am motivated to accomplish. That sounds great unless you are a perfectionist who enjoys beating yourself with a stick, like I do. It’s hard to find balance. I’m glad you are taking some time off for yourself. The days I spent in Austin were highly restorative.
Have fun!
I just spent a week with a girlfriend in your neck of the woods, at the Del, and I have to say that I am a Primo Vacationer. For two-and-a-half days straight, my girlfriend and I did nothing more strenuous than raise our hand to the waitress at the pool to signal for more Pina Coladas. When I come back I’ll teach you.
Have a happy holiday! You need a good rest mate.
Les
You, you my friend, yes YOU need a Vacation. And as you’re on vacation, you need to realize it’s a Vacation, with a capital V, not a vacation, mumbled incoherently under your breath. Just think: if anything goes wrong at work you could totally just come back and stab everyone in the eye. And then plead insanity or claim there was something in the Utah water that made you overly cranky, hence the eye stabbing. No worries.
I used to do contract work out of my home, and any time day or night, weekday or weekend, I could be found hammering away at some research or data entry. Pretty soon, my workweek was the longest I’d ever had, so I set rules for myself that only this one small part of my apartment was for work and I had to be in bed by a certain time and at the same time every day I had to take an hour break, even if I was at a library going through a pile of microfiches. I have known your pain. I hope that you find a way to let yourself relax before you vacation’s over!
Oh, I know that workaholic feeling well, the morphing of free time into more-work time; I have to schedule breaks for relaxing and go on long holidays far away from my computer to stop thinking about work. Enjoy the Vacation!
Once upon a time, I was head of a software division in a small company. When I went on vacation, it was vacation; no phone, no email, nothing. Being a small company, and being that I was the Answer Man of last resort, this always struck fear into the group’s heart (for some reason). They always begged me for a contact number and I always told them that nobody was irreplaceable, not even me; and if they found out that they Could Not Get Along without me we needed to find out sooner rather than later, because that would be A Bug and would need fixed.
This was put to the test once when I went away for two weeks and they lost the source code repository the day after I left. There was much weeping and gnashing of teeth and rushing to and fro and wringing of hands and lighting of candles, but they figured it out and it was All Better Again when I got back. They felt like they had accomplished something (as indeed they had), and I had an undisturbed vacation.
Moral: Your vacation is just another training / mentoring opportunity. Use it as such, and everyone benefits.
I am a workaholic – literally. I am working on it (ironic huh) but I can completely understand what you are saying. You WANT to relax and not think or worry about work or worst of all as I do – check email and check in – but it is HARD and sometimes people do not get IT. Glad to read you had a good time.
two sites to make your life easier/better/more organized: flylady.net and 43folders.com. don’t check email except once an hour. it will change your life.