Please Trap R. Kelly in the Closet

I’m relieved to know that I am not the only person that finds the whole eternity-long song sequence by R. Kelly not only unnecessary but completely elementary school. The first time I saw a part of what I believe was the #2 sequence, I thought it might be a joke. Who would be so literal in the words and action? I was suddenly spun back to 2nd grade when my best friend, Janice, and I would make up skits from Sesame Street. She was always Ernie and I was always Bert except for the one time I was Big Bird and did a terrible job and people laughed. I was quick to resolve to never be anyone but Bert from then on. Buttons on sweaters and stamps collections and pigeons I could do but don’t ask me to be 7 feet tall with yellow feathers. Anyway, Janice and I would make up these skits that our teacher would let us perform for the whole class right before recess. And since we were 7 years old, the actions and the words we said were pretty straight-forward. “Now were going to go to the kitchen and see if we can find the large pan for spaghetti.” Walking, walking, walking. “Now let’s see if we can find the noodles in the pretend cupboard.” Opening cupboards pretending to look for noodles. “Now let’s go outside. Let’s get our sweaters from the closet.” Closet. Closet.

I could go on but there is no need because Hole City has done such a great job.

The video does deliver some classic moments sure to live in the memory, usually in the form of a question: Why is he looking for someone in a dresser drawer? Why was she wearing that wig in the first place? Does he know how stupid that green-screen driving sequence looks? And we promise you, the next time you see a police car, a voice in your head will sing “Woo-oo, woo-oo, woo-oo” in imitation of a siren, just like R. does in Chapter 4.

And because the entire lengthy sequence makes little to no sense unless you’ve watched it maybe 17 times to figure out what the hell he’s talking about but you don’t want to watch it that many times, please god no, but you want to be able to sufficiently make fun of it with your friends, go here and read the cliff notes from Something Awful where they give you a list of characters, a flow chart, and word explanations in case you don’t know what some of Mr. R.’s terms mean.

Glossary of Difficult Words and Phrases:

Beretta: Refers to a brand of handgun manufactured in the USA.

Shuh, shuh: Cathy makes this sound to indicate to Sylvester that he should be quiet.

Y’all ass is crazy: Your entire ass is crazy.

And then there are the essay questions:

Essay questions:

1. Why does Chuck look for Sylvester under the dresser? How big do you imagine the dresser to be?

2. In chapter four, what does Sylvester mean by “a tear fell up out my eye?”

3. When Sylvester’s wife is describing the string of friends that led to the policeman, who is Tina and where does she fit into anything?

And finally, here we have Jimmy Kimmel with his own version called The Pizza:

Part 1

Part 2

Part 3

It was so funny I almost peed my pants. But not on someone, since that would be too R. Kelly-ish.