So, Mighty Girl launched her new stuff over on Mighty Goods and I saw this head thingy which is technically named The Tingler. I read her description which included phrases like “this thing will make your eyes roll back in your head” and “it can make you feel vaguely uncomfortable, like it�s a little too sexual to be happening in a public place” and thought to myself, ‘Huh” because I couldn’t decide if I wanted to have my eyes roll back in my head but sex in a public place has always intrigued me.
On Saturday, Joe, the kids and myself went to the local mall and looked for the perfect birthday present for my daughter who turns 14 today. (Happy Birthday, Alex!) We found an overpriced T-shirt stating the obvious fact that she has blond hair at A&F and then walked very near a stand where there was a woman holding a large golden spider in her hand. In fact, it was so strange to see, that I stood still and stared for longer than what a person might deem appropriate while I racked my brain, trying to figure out where I had seen it before. Well, as you can guess, it wasn’t actually a giant and priceless arachnid. It was a Tingler.
The problem with standing and staring at mall vendors is that they will see you. And walk towards you. And accost you with their wares. If it’s Tupperware, it’s really not too bad since it’s going to be a plastic container with a blue lid, airtight. And I totally know how to handle the cellphone callers with their incessant prattle regarding more minutes. I even have a script written out just for them, It goes like this: ‘No.’ But in this case, a strange woman was advancing my direction with wires poking out of her right hand straight towards my scalp. Which is scary. Since I know it’s going to be like sex. Mighty Girl said so. And my Kids. Are. Right. There.
She was so fast, mall vendor lady, that in my frozen state, I really posed no risk of actual flight. She easily cornered me, sat the Tingler lightly on my scalp and began moving it around in small circles, all the while speaking with a European accent and saying things like, ‘Isn’t this so nice, this feeling?’ and ‘Always the feeling is so good and you like it, yes?’ The laughing faces of my children faded into the background as my eyes rolled back into my head.
My friends, I wanted to run, knew I should in all decency flee, but I was frozen. Completely unable to move. Instead, I quietly squealed and similar to when you are in the throes of childbirth, no longer cared who was watching. And then, she grabbed more things from the table and started in on my lower back with a vibrating green frog and a lizard with red feet which broke me out of my ‘alone time.’ I threw my credit card at her and then grabbed each of my legs in turn and made myself walk out the door before I bought two.
In the parking lot, I tried my new Tingler on everyone else’s head. The previous laughing and jeering from said family members inside the mall turned into sighs of admiration and jealousy.
When I move, My Tingler will have it’s own box with much padding and bubble-wrap. In my new home, it will have it’s own glass case and I might even hire a person to come and dust the case.
And they better not use it. I’ll know if they do. Their eyes will be rolled in the back of their head.