I’ve been tired. 14-16 hours of sleep a day tired. I thought it had to be my thyroid but those numbers came back perfect. Not just good – perfect. Which kind of leaves depression as the only culprit. The only thing is that I don’t feel particularly sad. I’m not weepy. I just have negative drive or something. Like sleeping sounds soooo much better than anything else. Ever. And it’s such a drain to do anything like go to the grocery store or put away the clothes. My arms are heavy. My brain is not sharp. I’m dull.
My therapist says I need to go back to my shrink and tell her I need an increase in my medication. Only I don’t want to because I don’t want to be on ANY medication and getting on more sounds so awful and so sad that I resist. And sleep.
It’s funny how often I think I don’t need to be on meds. I think about it almost daily and decide that actually, no, I don’t need them. I take them because I choose to but I could get off them if I wanted to. And then I think, how about tomorrow? Tomorrow sounds good. And then tomorrow rolls around and I’ll mention something to Joe about how I think I might not, in fact, need to be on meds and it’s not until I see his face that I realize I’ve just done it again. I’ve talked myself out of medication when we’ve already decided that I NEED TO BE ON MEDICATION like, a million times.
When I go to to the shrink, I’ll think – this time I’ll ask her if she thinks I can get off my meds because I don’t need them anymore. Her response? ‘How many times are you going to ask me that, Leah? You’ve asked me that almost every time you’ve come in the past few months.’ And I don’t believe her because I swear I JUST HAD the idea this one time but why would she lie?
Depression bites. I am always amazed at the degree of distortion that my mind is capable of. You are not alone.
Ditto above. The incessant internal argument can be so tiring. I am glad that you are following the advice of your medical team, even when you don’t want to. Trying to change or decrease alone has lead me down a frightening path in the past. I hope you get to a place/feeling of comfort and satisfaction with yourself soon whether or not you are a ‘meds for life’ gal. I am impressed with your insight into your internal dialog. Best of luck, as above, you are not alone.
It’s hard, no doubt. And the most ironic thing? When I finally hit the right dose of the meds- the questioning about the need for them just evaporates. Holding you in the light.
could it be something else? Besides the thyroid or depression?
don’t tweak medications yourself…in some cases doctor really does know best. it sounds like you realize that.
best to you…
I’m with All Adither. How’s your blood pressure? Sugar levels?
Depression is an illness. If you think your mind is playing tricks on you, that’s because your mind is playing tricks on you. Meds are good. Quitting them…not so much.
I just went back on meds after going off them when I got pregnant. I had intended on staying off them for the duration of my pregnancy but finally came to the realization that I couldn’t do it anymore. After my doctor convinced me that at 26 weeks, there would be no problems with the baby’s development, I felt okay about my decision. After just a short week of being back on meds, and beginning to feel like a normal human being again, I absolutely feel good about my decision. And I’m sure my baby will appreciate having a healthy mama to take care of her.
best of luck to you.
I deal with the same problem in my own illness. What is worse for me though is watching my husband struggle with his. Every few years or so the meds that were working for him seem to ‘quit’ and he really slips. Then it’s like realizing you have a problem all over again. We all know how that is. Then the trials of finding the new right med. I’ve spent many a night aching for him. He’s also one to think because the doc said it might take a month to work he should “stick it out” even if the side effects are unacceptable i.e extreme anger, violence, severe dizziness, etc. And then there is always that doctor (we have to move frequently) that thinks lots of ativan, seroquel, klonopin. is the answer and zombifies him.
love to you, on it’s way.
Dear Leah,
A friend of mine struggled with her daughter’s diagnosis of ADHD and for many years tried alternative therapies, naturopathic, homeopathic, etc. Finally, her doctor (herself a naturopath) asked her if her daughter had been diagnosed with diabetes would she resist putting her on insulin? It made a lot more sense to me once I heard it that way and I think it applies to depression, too. Like insulin, the meds for depression need to be taken for life.
My husband fell into a deep depression last year and finally, with the right mix of drugs is doing much, much better today. I expect him to be on medication as long as it helps him. And in the past I wasn’t very helpful when he got depressed. But, reading your struggles and others’ I became much more understanding and tolerant.
I wish you the best.
Kelsi
There is a point in which you will start to feel the fog of tiredness lift. Hang in there. It will happen.
The meds are working, and that is why you feel you don’t need them anymore. Cling to that, and listen to Joe. You are on the way up and out of that confusion and sadness and I am so happy for you.
Hey- I just realized we are almost neighbors – I live in Camarillo! At least the weather has stopped being so gloomy around here – it’s freakin’ BEAUTIFUL today!! Lot’s of good thoughts coming your way from o’er here.
My daughter was just told she needs to up her meds. She’s 19, and all she wants is to not have to take them at all. So hard for her to reconcile that this isn’t a choice or a whim, but a vital part of her ability to get through each day. So scary for me, because I’m not there to ensure she takes her meds everyday. I hope for happiness and joy for both you and my daughter.
Me too. Exactly. Me. I’m now trying Effexor. It’s just making me want to sleep more if that’s even possible. I’m so sick of it. The depression. The meds. The side effects of the meds. The therapist who now wants me to see a shrink too. I’m sick of telling and hearing my story over and over. I’m sick of myself. Every little thing is so difficult. Brushing teeth. Getting dressed. My favorite time is between 10pm and about 3:00Am when I don’t have to feel guilty for not doing something because the world is in bed. It’s my own time. Of course that’s not when I want to sleep. I want to sleep the day away. Blah, blah, blah….but, I think of you often and sometimes don’t feel so alone knowing you, and others, like me (or at least sort of like me – people who at least “get” what it’s like) are out there, somewhere. Surviving. My husband has to take me to appts. or I’d never get there. I cry on my way to therapy. Cry on my way home. Cry in between. I hate the meds but everytime I stop things start to fall apart immediately and after about 6 months I’m a mess. I’ve lost 50lbs, I go to the personal trainer three times a week, I follow all the other suggestions but nothing else works but the meds I guess.
I’m so sorry! But Leah – if you had diabetes would you stop taking insulin? My dad had hypertension and he would feel good and then stop taking his meds and then his blood pressure would go up again — round and round and round. Our bodies are chemistry as well as emotion. I hope you can look on your own situation as a very individual kind of “original diabetes” with a different insulin.