It’s so hard to write right now. I’m doing boring things like going to therapy and working on my feelings. I thought about slapping up another photo and calling it a day but then I thought I’d push myself and just see what happens.
I go to therapy every other week. This week we talked about creating some kind of schedule for myself. One of my goals is to get a job and contribute more consistently financially to my partnership but right now, the mere thought of having a job kind of makes me panic. Mostly because I’m currently sleeping about 14 hours per day. My thyroid medication needs to be upped and I get my blood drawn tomorrow. But even when that is taken care of and I’m back to waking up and going to bed at normal times, I still don’t have any kind of consistent schedule.
I’m also afraid to drive very far. Since I’ve been back on medication, something weird has been going on with my eyes and I can’t focus very well out of my left eye. It makes me skittish on the road and that is just not creating a very good driving environment. Additionally, crowds are still making me nervous and I don’t want to leave the house. I worry I’m becoming a recluse.
So, back to therapy – I’m supposed to create a schedule that includes getting out of the house for a good amount of time per day which means I have to drive and be around other people. I think it’s good to move past my comfort level and make some positive changes. It also scares me quite a bit.
I can’t get over this huge amount of guilt that I’m not earning enough money but because I’m not ready for a job yet, Joe is helping me be creative and think of other ways to contribute to our partnership. There are endless things to be done around the house but I don’t think of them right now. There have been times when I’ve been really up on things but right now is not one of them. So he’s going to help me make a list of tasks to be done around the house so I can plan them out when I’m making my schedule for the week. I’m hoping it not only keeps me on some kind of schedule but it also helps me feel like I’m contributing and assuages some of this guilt.
Man, this is probably a really boring post. But it’s all I have in me today. But really this is what is going on in my life right now. I’m relearning how to be a functioning part of my marriage and life in general. I’m kind of amazed when I look back at how I was even just a year ago, at how different I was. My last low manic phase really did a number on me and I hope to never repeat that kind of low depression again.
What about a work at home job? More blogging, for instance? More etsy?
I could offer you all kinds of advice, but I won’t. Instead I’ll just say something you told me once:
“so, here’s the thing = you are already good enough. you are perfect right now this very second. you are doing exactly what you are supposed to be doing and learning the stuff you are supposed to be learning. you couldn’t be doing any more perfect if you tried.”
–don’t you hate it when people throw your words right back in your face??
xoxo –Jenn aka JeSais (I know)
I dunno, Leah, maybe it’s something in the air: I’m feeling kinda shitty myself.
Everything is process. Be patient with yourself. Be kind to yourself.
I definitely think it’s in the air right now. I had a peek of sunshine today though and that absolutely helped. We just don’t get much sun shine in the winter. 🙁
I totally agree with what Jenn says. Hang in there, you are learning and healing and it really is okay. I am sorry for your pain. Jen x
You’re not alone. I’m going through this right now and trying to come up with a list of different places nearby with free wifi so I can get out of the house, get a walk in, and work someplace more than 15 feet from the bed. I’ve also gotten so scattered in my thinking that I am thinking of subdividing my work time into particular projects– blogging, photo editing, food writing, law writing, book projects– just to force myself to work on something consistently for an hour at a time. I’ve been lucky to have friends who are available for lunch and coffee a few times a week.
Good luck, and thinking of you.
I agree with the above that it’s in the air.
Something about winter..it doesn’t kill that feeling of contentment but it definitely maims it.
Every winter I really struggle to maintain my role as a functioning member of society.
I hope that things get better for you soon.
Sending you loads of good vibes.
I’ve been forcing myself to go out even though I’d rather curl up under a blanket and watch a Project Runway marathon. I’ve got a new project coming up, so I’m preoccupying myself with that. I hate when when people give advice, but forcing myself to stay busy negates the sitting around and sulking.
Again, good vibes. Spring’s not that far away.
I think calling it by it’s name is so very important. Keep on going. 🙂
As I was saying to someone earlier today, it’s hard to know sometimes whether you need to be the good cop or the bad cop with yourself, to cut yourself a break or to grab yourself by the scruff of the neck.
Personally, in the winter (even in California) I’m inclined to not kick my own ass overmuch.
Also, although I do not know you personally, I suspect that you are the type who needs a job with a combo of flexibility, creativity and perhaps some accountability, even if it just comes from yourself. You are so enviably talented at networking and on using the power of the internet that I am sure you will find your solution when you are ready.
I have to say it may be in the air for people who have SAD or something, but for those of use who swing from “sad” to “NOT SAD” this is a reality for us that can be crippling. I too and struggling to make a schedule that includes leaving the house, often, even leaving my bed. I also don’t want to go to that bad place where it is even harder to dig out. Tis why I go to therapy often as well. I need that life preserver nearby.
loving you
jen
I hope things get easier for you soon.
That was far from a boring post. I think you hit on a number of issues that we all deal with, in various degrees. One word of advice from someone who has this problem… I think you need to be a little easier on yourself, and go at your own pace
hug
a few months ago I was broke, hubby had lost his job, money was tight, I went looking for more work than I usually do. This month I am swamped! it’s tough to find a balance without a steady job and or schedule. And sometimes the universe moves at a different pace than I do.
I teach a class or two a week, at a local junior college and it’s nice because it’s creative, I interact with people on a professional not scary way, and I’m teaching something I am good at and they want to learn. Also, it’s a short-term commitment and leaves me time to sleep, create, recharge, etc. in between classes. I want to do a week-long workshop for teens at the local arts center over the summer.
I’d love to take a good non-threatening workshop on how to set up a web site and maintain it with photos (something you might be able to teach).
It works for me, anyway.
hopes the universe catches up with you, or you with it, soon.
hugs to you.
L
the best thing i ever did for myself was to sign up for http://www.flylady.net –you get email reminders of what needs to be done around the house and how to keep it tidy and you work in 15 minute increments so even if you are crazy tired, you can see a difference. i think it might help you a lot try it.
it is 100% free!!! (and this is not an ad. i don’t make any money. i’m just a happy flybaby.)
just want to second what “aka je sais” offered.
and be another voice here to let you know you’re not alone.
sending love.
Sometimes, this what the manic depression is. The struggle to maintain some kind of routine, because routine has often saved my ass, and when I don’t have it, things occasionally get ugly.
I recently had a family emergency that kept me on the East coast for three weeks, which was two weeks longer than planned, and it wasn’t the Emergency that did the damage I am now dealing with. It was the lack of what I call My Rut.
Being in someone else’s house, trying to maintain my balance, and failing miserably.
The thing I try to remember is that this, the negative feelings, the sleeping, all of it, will pass. I just need to do the next right thing, however small, and it will pass.
You are already doing the next right thing. Good job. 🙂
Sweet thing – it’s a great post.
One thing that I find really inspiring in your struggle is that you are so very honest with yourself (and with your readers). It is something I still haven’t mastered–being honest with myself even when I don’t like the truth. One day at a time…
Sometimes the whirling and twirling in my head makes it hard to see the stuff I am getting done too.
A plan, even a little path really, will help lead me out of the snow in my head. But ….actually…maybe seeing the storm itself, the drifts of thoughts – the crazy-makin’ clutter of (insert image) …….
maybe that IS the lesson. see the making of the plan/path as THE GOAL. Then later it is about the doing of the plan/path?
Sheesh…I need a nap now. I appreciate your struggles as they so often mirror my own. Thanks for the candor !
I think I’ll go look at my tower of recycling it mocks me oh yes it does….
peace to you
Hi, I’ve been a fan of yours for a long time. I am surprised by what you’ve written here because from where I sit, you look like a completely functioning and fully creative person.
I just hope you read that carefully. And I hope you give yourself some credit.
I know how difficult depression can be to overcome, but I think it is important that you can see just how capable you are, and how talented you are.
As a stranger in the ether, I’m wishing you the courage you need in the thousands of small moments every day to just keep on keeping on. You are strong and beautiful, I can just tell from reading what you write here on this site. It’s just obvious. You have a lot to give, and I hope you give and give some more.
How ya doin’, Leah? We miss you.
Late to the party, but man – everyone I know had a crappy month. Hugs to you!
I don’t know why, Leah, but for some reason I just happened to come back to this post. I love you because when I feel mentally ill, I remember I’m not the only one. I remember there’s a lot of us out there struggling. It’s not just the huge issues that hold us down, it’s the little things, like when my husband says, “You haven’t helped with dishes in two months. Can you wash some glasses please?” I guess that is a huge thing. It’s a little thing that feels so huge that it holds me down. I’ll figure it out for a little while, and then it’s back to the struggle.
Oh yeah, meds can really f*ck with your eyes. It might not be “you” that can’t see to drive. But I am *so* not giving you a free ticket off meds! I am a firm believer of staying on the little pills. No matter how much they suck, the alternative is so much worse.