Fast and Testimony Meeting

I went to church with my kids. I try to go when they go since it’s important to them. Most of the time during sacrament meeting, I sit back and write notes with Alexandra or scratch one of the boy’s backs while the people are speaking. But, once a month, when the Mormons have Fast and Testimony Meeting and the members of the congregation take turns getting up and talking about their burning bosoms, it’s impossible not to listen. Yesterday, particularly so.

Usually, by the second speaker, you start to see a theme emerge. A few months ago it was about preparedness. Everyone that got up shared their feelings about the recent natural disasters and how blessed they felt that they had a year’s supply of rice saved in the basement and how they knew someone that lived through the hurricane only because they had those 20 cans of sardines packed in mustard or they would have died and so the church must be true. And Joseph Smith was a true prophet. Always. Must. End. With. JS Tribute.

The theme from last Sunday was ‘My Life Has Been Harder Than Yours and I’m Still a Member of the Church and Still Believe in God So I’m Just a Little Bit Better Than You.’ The first woman got up and talked about her struggle with depression. The next woman had gone through depression, financial problems and a nasty divorce. The next one had those three and raised them a car crash and the loss of two of her children. Then someone put recently diagnosed breast cancer in the pot and the knowledge that if she passed on there would be no one to raise her remaining two children and they would be essentially homeless, tossed to the wolves and live on gov’ment cheese. But, she still had a strong testimony of the gospel. And her love of genealogy, which, during this really stressful and dark time, saved her.

I decided that I had to share, needed to share.

‘Hello everyone. For those of you that don’t know me, I’m the ex-wife of the dad of the Peterson kids. And for those of you that don’t know what an ex-wife is, it means I’m not going to be able to live in the celestial kingdom with you, Gladys Knight and the remaining Osmonds that haven’t also been divorced.

I just wanted to let you all know how sorry I am that your lives suck so much. Mine is really great. I mean, I have my ups and down and health issues and your what-have-you, but that is just all part of the package, right? It’s really just all about your attitude and taking care of yourself and those around you with integrity and Love.

And I have a testimony that every day is a new chance to be the best You you can be. I don’t believe that every sucky thing that happens in my life is sent from God to test my faith or is a punishment for something I’ve done in the past. I really believe that we are heavenly beings having a human experience and that Karma has a lot to do with what comes forward for us to process through. Everything that happens is a blessing if we view it that way. At least, that is the best way for me to go through my life.

And I can tell you that if I just had a kid or two killed in a car crash, I’d probably be really pissed off and angry. And that would feel good, to be angry. And I’d want to talk to God about it and I’d yell at Him and tell Him off before I got to the feeling alright about it part. And I’d still think I was a good person throughout the whole experience.

And if I was just diagnosed with something that was terminal and had kids that were about to be homeless, I’d go join some clubs and make some friends, fast! That’s just a tip. You can use it.

But, good luck with your never being good enough and heaping on the guilt, yet, also feeling slightly superior to every other religion on earth. Just keep on keepin’ on. You are all doing great! Right on and amen. Oh, and your Joseph Smith seems like a pretty nice guy, considering his polygamy and everything. Oh! I almost forgot. I made you all a T-shirt.’

Just kidding. Because I’m not a member in good standing, I’m not allowed to take the trek to the pulpit and say boohaha, let alone how I feel about life and Joseph Smith. But I had a really great time thinking about what I would have said. It would have been fun just to shake things up. Just to see if anyone was paying attention. Dude. Riling up a nest of slightly dozing Mormons sitting in the pews who are feeling a little on the too warm side and waiting for the closing prayer in a meeting that has gone 15 minutes over = Priceless. But not really coming from a place of Love so it’s just as well.

Instead, the meeting ended with a 9-year-old boy sharing that he knew the church was true, that he was so glad he was blessed to be sent to live on earth with a Mormon family, and that he knew Joseph Smith was a True Prophet. If only we could all be so lucky.