Inappropriate Non-Carnivorous Chomping

Sometimes, I get a look at those baby toes (like these and these) and I want to *Chomp!* Joe will be looking over my shoulder and I’ll actually say ‘Chomp’ out loud and he’ll give me this look that clearly says, ‘There is something WRONG with you, woman!’

I can’t help it. Baby toes are delectable and delightful. They invite, nay, require a Chomp! and I’m just the one to do it. When my babies were born, I spent many glorious moments mimicking eating noises while kissing their feet and PLEASE tell me I’m not the only one. I can’t be. There must be more people out there that pretend to eat baby feet or perfect ears and fingers and chunky thighs, yes? Of course, this totally changes around the age of 1 when baby feet inexplicably turn into toddler feet and start to sweat and stink and get toe-jam. At that point, feet are feet and I’d just as soon not put them near my mouth, thanks. But, until then, YUMMY!

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Here’s a little story to let you know just how weird I am sometimes. Every time Joe loads the dishwasher, I go in after him and pull the spatulas and whisks and long knives up from the bottom shelf where he put them in, vertically, in the flatware holder and I place them, horizontally, on the top shelf next to the bowls where they FIT because they don’t FIT on the bottom and they impede the propellers that need to turn-baby-turn in order to get the dishes really clean. I mean, WHY is it so hard to remember?

A few days ago, we were in the kitchen together, loading the dishwasher and every time he placed one of those items in the flatware bin I reach over and placed it on the top shelf. Kind of like a robot. A dishwasher loading robot. Finally, he stops and asks me what I’m doing. So, in my most patient voice, full of dripping kindness, because really, is it his fault I’m just better than him at loading the dishwasher? No. It’s not. So I can be kind while I completely obliterate his method. I explain exactly what he’s doing wrong and how the blades can’t turn and then the dishes won’t get clean. And he says, ‘No. You’re wrong.’ And I’m all, ‘What? Are you crazy? Look! Look what happens!’ And I reach down to show him how the propeller blades can’t turn and they get stuck on those long utensils and guess what? No, guess! There are NO propeller blade where I thought they were. Those long utensils on the bottom shelf? The vertical ones? FINE where they are. Apparently, I’m thinking of a dishwasher from my other life with my other husband in another house in another universe because THIS one has the propeller blades on the bottom of the dishwasher and there is no way that the way he loads it is getting in the way. What’s even a little weirder is that this is the ONLY dishwasher he and I have ever had together in 5 years and we have only had it the past 2 years which means I’m thinking of some lame-ass dishwasher from over 6 years ago. Let’s just assume that THAT dishwasher had some kind of utensil-blade issue, ok? Thanks.

9 Replies to “Inappropriate Non-Carnivorous Chomping”

  1. That’s weird. I was under the impression that you weren’t supposed to put those longer utensils in the silverware box thingy either. I always put them up on the top too. Well, if there’s no technical reason for it then I’d have to argue that putting them on the top shelf is more aesthetically pleasing.

  2. baby toes are definitely fun to chomp 🙂

    the dishwasher story? i have a few of them myself. it’s that weird brain acrobatic stuff we have to do to ourselves for entertainment….

  3. 1) I’m really sorry, but I totally don’t get the baby-eating thing. I know you’re not the only one — I’ve seen it mentioned on lots of other blogs — but I think it must be a gene thing that only some women have.

    Want to have babies = want to eat babies.

    Don’t want to have babies = get a little creeped out by people wanting to eat babies.

    2) I’m with you on the dishwasher loading, even if you’re still loading a dishwasher from an alternate universe. Doug puts the mugs in the middle of the top rack, where tallish things should go. I’d whack him on the nose with a rolled-up newspaper but I like him too much.

  4. I totally have *CHOMPING* desires too! Sadly, mine HAS carried over into toddlerhood (not the feet- but other little parts). To the point where (my) kids definitely get mixed messages about ‘biting’…

  5. I used to secretly suck on the toes of the babies my mother babysat, and they liked it.

    Also, until a couple of months ago, I spent more than the first five years of our marriage not using fabric softener, because I had this idea that the Palinode was allergic to it. Guess what I found out? He’s not. And? He and I both prefer the use of fabric softener. We’ve been itchy for over five years for no reason whatsoever.

  6. baby feet are CUTE. any other feet, including my own, are downright gross and don’t ever, ever show them to me.

    you are not the only one to chomp babies, and while that is okay most days i think that the reason i don’t want to have kids is because my mother will baby talk to them and i will have to kill her or myself.

    your dishwashing story is not strange, because i do the exact same thing. our propeller is also on the bottom. but it just isn’t right. and actually, all of those long utensils don’t go in the dishwasher to begin with UNLESS i’m just about to run the dishwasher because usually those are handwashing things.

    and the short glasses go in front, where only short glasses fit. so you don’t waste any tall glass room. it’s important to fit as many things in as possible in an organized fashion.

    this includes NOT putting the giant mixing bowl in the dishwasher so you think you have to run it because it is “full” when there are only five things in it.

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