Today's date: 01-02-03…..

No, really…I’m going to get paid…and soon. I think. At least, I’m hoping I do. Something keeps happening that pushes the payday back by a few days. I just keep telling myself to hang in there and I’m bound to get paid eventually….I think. At least, I’m hoping I do.

I made my goal sheet today for the year 2003. I came up with ten goals that I’m going to work towards. Besides the obvious lose weight and get to know Christ better, there are a few new ones like get my daughter’s portfolio shot and put together, finish one of the screenplays that I’ve been working on and make a blanket for Joe out of some orange fabric he brought back from his Thanksgiving trip back east.

As I write this blog, Joe is showing me an incredibly bad B movie he was in as a child. He and his mother were extras in the movie called Up From The Depths while living in the Philippines. There are so many cheesy lines to pick from, but my favorite, I think, is ‘Did you see it? Did it have any phosphorescent properties?’ The acting was awful and the director seemed to have a derriere fetish, but I have to admit that I loved every minute that I saw. It’s enought to make a wookie happy.

I’m staying positive. I’m thinking goodthoughts. I’m projecting love. I have faith that this is going to be a good year.

quick recap for the kids:
the check is in the mail, made some goals, joe was incredibly cute even at age 8, think good thoughts.
love, mom

upper and upper……

Things just keep looking better and better. Every time I think things might just get better…they do.

Joe and I went to see my family in Utah for the weekend. It was so nice to see my brothers and sisters again. It’s been a few months/years since I’ve seen some of them. I wish the kids could have been with me, but next year maybe they will be.

Joe was a great sport. My family all loved him which is pretty cool considering the sheer volume of them…….there were 4 siblings and their spouses there and about 13 or so assorted nieces and nephews. In fact, one of my nieces asked me to excuse myself from the Uno game so she could play with him one-on-one……that’s the kind of effect Joe has on people.

I don’t think I’ve ever driven long distances with another human being and had such a non-stressful and enjoyable time. Joe did quite a few impersonations of people and sang songs for me almost the entire time. I was awake, entertained and happy. He even fixed me ‘lunch’ type items to snack on while I drove. I really had a great time.

Here’s looking forward to a great New Year.

quick recap for the kids:
don’t give up…things can get better, utah was great, your cousins missed you, driving is fun with the right people, joe has so many talents you have yet to discover…..
so much love,
mom

I have so much to be thankful for this year.

I have so much to be thankful for this year. My life couldn’t be any more different than it was last year. I look around me at my beautiful children, this great place I live, awesome roommates, satisfying employment, sane piece of mind and a relationship with a man that I love more than I would have thought possible and I can’t believe my luck. Or blessings would be a more accurate term.

This coming year holds just as many exciting possibilities for me. I can feel it. Things are just going to keep feeling and getting better. Even if/when hard things come up, I have a much more stable foundation to work from. I’m sure with God’s help I’ll be able to keep tackling new challenges.

Christmas was wonderful. It was so nice to be able to take the kids to help out people this season instead of concentrating on the ‘I wants’. They’ve each surprised me in how quickly they caught on to the whole idea of giving and helping and took pleasure in the whole experience. I hope it’s a tradition we can keep doing every holiday I have with them.

It was very nice to have Joe around this year. The kids are getting used to him and notice that he is nice to me. They’ve each told me how much they are glad that he’s a ‘nice guy that makes you so happy’. It must be hard to be the guy getting to know the kids of the girl you like. I’m thankful that they all seem to get along alright.

Judging. It’s a hard thing not to do, especially when the lines of acceptable judging are blurred. FOr example, as a parent I feel I have every right to judge what I think is good or bad for my young kids. Isn’t that my job as a mother? Isn’t that what I’m supposed to do? But where is the line drawn in between watching out for your kids and stamping your personal thoughts all over where they should be finding things out for themselves? And if you spend all your time deciding what is right for them, when and how do they learn to do it for themselves? And if I’m constantly judging things in that frame of mind, how do I let that go and just accept people for who and what they are instead of categorizing everything into the acceptable and unacceptable boxes? It’s a quandary.

quick recap for the kids:
it’s been so great to have you in my daily life this christmas, i look forward to seeing you a little more this coming year, still like tons of things about joe, the lines between things are hard to make out but i’m going to keep figuring things out..
much love,
mom

…..curiouser and curiouser……..

Life is strange. Period. The end.

But I like it. I wouldn’t have it any other way.

It’s nice to know that things keep evolving into (hopefully) something better. It’s very nice to have things move up a few notches and further away from when they were so uncomfortable.

I’m going to get paid. Finally. Of course it won’t be till after Christmas but just the fact that I’m going to be able to pay my rent by my own volition is very appealing to me. (and my room mate Craig as well, I’m sure, since he likes to have me pay rent…and my family since they’ve been paying it for me….etc. etc.) We’re all happy about my rent-paying abilities.

I’m starting to feel some Christmas spirit. It crept in while I wasn’t looking and I’m glad it’s here. I compare last year’s end to this one and I feel so blessed I’m almost overwhelmed. It doesn’t seem possible that my life could have changed so drastically in just one year. I don’t think I could even name all the good things in my life. Monetarily challenged or not, it’s going to be a great season.

quick recap for the kids
life is unpredictable, sometimes scary, wonderful and constantly changing, i’m going to get my first paycheck in a few weeks, Christmas is almost here, my life is awesome and full of good things. (especially you…)
love,
mom

Special Sauce….

Why is it so hard to like yourself? Is there some reason why people have such a hard time accepting compliments? Why do we try to find the best in other people but turn around and refuse to believe anything good about ourselves? And of course, when I’m saying ‘we’ I mean ‘me’…..

This is my new knowledge quest….I want to appreciate me.

The Christmas Insanity is in full swing. Parties and events etc out the ying-yang. It gets more than a little crazy. On the other hand, it’s a great excuse to get together with good friends you haven’t seen for awhile and eat too much.

We had a house warming party the other day. My roommate, Craig, brought out his personal fog machine and disco light. You might think it’s strange that he owns his own fog machine, but he also owns a Flowbee and actually uses it. Craig is a man of many mysteries……

Five days till I get to pick up the kids…….

Things I learned today:

I prefer top sirloin over prime rib.
I don’t like Jack-in-the-Box’s special sauce.
Sometimes the word ‘shut-up’ means ‘I don’t know how to accept compliments’.
Gum bought at Stater Brothers includes the tax in the price shown on the shelf.

quick recap for the kids:
liking yourself is important and hard to do but we’re never to old to learn, you now have met the one person in the world that bought and uses a vacuum haircutting device on his head on purpose, special sauce isn’t always so special.

time flies when…..

Wow….Thanksgiving is already over and Christmas is right around the corner and I think I see 2003 over my shoulder.

I had a great time during Thanksgiving. I went to see Rhoda is Seattle area. She picked me up from the airport about 10 am Thanksgiving morning. When we got to her house, I went straight to bed since I hadn’t slept in 24 hours or so and I totally missed the big dinner but I hear it was great. She saved me some leftovers, which are the best part anyway, and they tasted great since I was completely over the airsickness by that point. My ankle was only swollen a little because it had been hours since I tripped over the guy seated next to me on the plane as I tried to pole-vault over him to reach the blue-watered, stainless steel potty, and the redness and swelling had really gone down. Of course, choosing to wear high-heels on a flight was a decision I might think twice about next time, but hindsight:20-20. And the great news is that only the two back rows next to the bathroom had to listen to me wretch because the sound of the engine drowned out the sounds for the rest of the passengers. I didn’t have enough time to shut the door behind me if I wanted to make it mostly hit in the toilet so I opted to gross out the people and make the babies cry instead of stinking up the whole cabin with the smell of vomit. After all, I didn’t see any pop-up air fresheners to stick on the wall if I missed….

Enough about vomit…let’s talk about my hair. When I reached my seat, exhausted and shaking, (this time, the guy got up and moved to let me in…) I immediately fell to sleep with my head banging against the window. I don’t know what else happened during the flight since I was out, but for two hours, my hair was stuck in a most peculiar position. How do I know? I know because when I reached the terminal bathroom and looked in the mirror, I didn’t recognize the person looking back at me. My hair was sticking straight up in a few places, not altogether unattractive if you’re a punker with a Mohawk, but I just wasn’t used to it and almost scared myself. I then realized that the people trying not to laugh at me and only smiling and pointing while I walked off the plane and rode the train and walked the mile through the terminal had been kind. They could have ridiculed me at any point but chose not to and let me walk proudly by.

The return trip was so uneventful compared.

Can’t wait for my kids to come and see me. I get a whole WEEK with them!

My job is going well. I really love working out loan problems.

Joe came back from his trek back east. I’m glad. I missed him a lot. There are so many things I like about that guy…..

quick recap for the kids:
when people say that flying is the safest way to travel, they mean statistically, you probably won’t die but there is no rule about puke or hair styles and you should know that right up front, i can’t WAIT to see you all…still like work, the list of things-to-like-about-joe grows longer.
MUCH LOVE
mom

Here we go again…..

A new week. *sigh*

I feel a little trepidation for the holidays. I don’t have any money coming in yet and the kids are coming for a week and I’m not sure how much I’ll be able to give them this year present wise. I’m trying to look at it as a great opportunity to help them grow into the next phase of Christmas : giving instead of getting, but only part of me is that grown-up. The rest of me wants to spend a million dollars and buy them everything in the world.

I did get to see the kids for about 15 minutes on Saturday. It was so great to get a hug or two squeezed in when it wasn’t even my weekend. I have the most awesome kids in the world. And it was very accommodating of their dad to let me swing by.

I have meds. I know…we should be having a party, but there’s no time. My head feels a kazillion times better. I might even make it through this week without having a crying fit everyday. I have so much to catch up on that I let slide last week. Thanx to my sister Rhodaƕs persistence, (with out which, none of this would be the same because I would have pulled out all my hair by now and that’s just ugly), I finally found someone willing to prescribe me meds based on my telling them what I needed instead of long and lengthy tests and time which I had none of. (a version of help, help me Rhonda is going through my head…)

I’m looking forward to work. I love it when I feel like I’m helping out someone and getting them the best loan plan possible for them. Now, if I could just do it well enough to buy toilet paper or laundry soap…..

quick recap for the kids:
i’m trying hard to be a grown-up this year for christmas, do you think santa could bring me a grown-up kit? i hear it’s just like ‘accents-in-a-box’, you eat all the product and you end up with one classy, adult personality instead of having a killer british accent like my room-mate craig, (tony, you know that craig was kidding about that whole thing, right? craig just really sounds like that….)it was so great to see you and get and give hugs and kisses and smell your hair, (yes i smell your hair…just wait till you’re a parent), i’m back on drugs which, i hope, is a phrase that i never hear you say unless they are prescription, and even then could you do me a favor and not word it quite like that? stick to the word medication…it sounds nicer.

for the birds….

Today I looked out my living room window and saw a most peculiar thing.

In preface to this little story, I should tell you that my home is now at the top of a small mountain. (I would call it a big hill but that might hurt its’ feelings.)

The Santa Ana’s have been blowing through the area and at the top of this little mountain I live on, we get some wonderful gusts for a few hours every day or so. The patio umbrellas have blown over, taking with them the table a time or two, but all in all I can’t complain about the wind as a factor by it’s self, let alone in conjunction with the fabulous view I have on two sides of the house. I love where I live. Anyway, back to the story….

I had been sleeping all day instead of going to work like I should have been because I’ve had a little touch of the heebie-jeebies or left over cooties or some such thing. In any case, I walked down the stairs, into the kitchen to get a glass of water and then out to the balcony to see the ‘haps’ when I noticed strange shadows floating up and down across the deck. I should interject here that because of the very nature of the heebie-jeebies, one should not always believe everything that one sees while under the influence of said illness. So, after the initial shock wore off and I regained my balance, I shook my head once or twice and then looked again. Sure enough, there they were: bird shaped shadows floating vertically along some unseen tether line. Otherwise, how could they do it? It took me a minute to realize that I should probably look in the sky and see what was happening instead of just staring at the shadows. (A ‘duh’ should probably be inserted here…)And there they were…..3 or 7 or 11 or some such number of fowl in the air around my deck. I could have reached out and touched them, (If I’d had a long broom stick and gallons of more energy than I had at my disposal….), but I opted instead to sit down, heavily and unsteadily, into the nearest patio chair. And I watched. (In the sky, mostly…)These birds were playing some sort of game….a floating game I guess. I’m sure the conversation went along the lines of ‘I can float better than you can.’ ‘Oh, ya? I’ll get within 7 feet of the insane cootie-lady on the deck and come away unscathed!’ They would stay within a few feet of each other and right where the gusts of wind would come riding over the top of the mountain and coast in place with their wings outstretched. Every so often, one of them would bump into one of his friends. I’m sure he got points taken off his score for that. Or maybe not, depending on how you look at it…And sometimes one would tuck his wings in and do a quick nose dive to get in a position beneath his co-coasters. But the majority of the time it was just an unbelievable site of a flock of birds coasting in place about 5 feet off the balcony. It fit the way I feel today….surreal.

By the way, I don’t recommend coming off anti-depressants cold-turkey. It really does a number on your head and reality. But I have some great support and I know I’ll come through this alright. Someday I’ll have medical coverage and this kind of snafu won’t happen anymore.

Joe went to Virginia for Thanksgiving. I miss him.

My kids are maybe coming down this weekend and I might get to see them for a few minutes. I miss them.

My job seems to be doing fine. I love what I do. I’m just not making any money at it, which is generally looked down upon in the work world. I’m hoping that through pure determination, I’ll get more successful at it. That and my good looks…..

quick recap for the kids:
i’m feeling insane and seeing things while coming off medication and it’s not really fair that some of the things i’m seeing, i AM actually seeing….looking back on a conversation you kids debated this past weekend….dev, birds could be that one thing on the earth that tyler says doesn’t believe in gravity, therefore making him the winner of that long, drawn-out debate, and i hope i didn’t just open up another whole can of worms, joe’s gone, i might see you all soon, and just because you love to do something and work really hard at it, doesn’t mean you’ll make money doing it and then you have some hard decisions to make.
XOXOXOXOXOXOXO

It's been a busy week and weekend.

so.

It’s been a busy week and weekend. But it was awesome.

My kids came down and spent time with me. It was SO great to see them! We went and saw the new Harry Potter movie, to lunch and had the best bread sticks in the whole world at Pat Oscars and then to the Zainy Brainy store to check out all the new cool stuff. My boyfriend came along and it was just a great day. I wish I could have had more time with the kids but some is better than none and December will bring with it a whole week that I get to spend with them. I can hang on till then.

I’m getting the hang of the new job. I really like working there and doing what I do.

I’m excited to go see my sister over the Thanksgiving holiday.

I’m exhausted and need to go to sleep so I’ll be fresh and perky in the morning. Like I’m ever fresh and perky in the morning, but whatever…..

quick recap for the kids (which is unnecessary since they were with me but since it’s what i do i’ll do it anyway….) :
so awesome to see you guys, loved spending time with you and it never seems like enough and i’m trying to be a grown-up and be patient for december, still like my job, spending thanksgiving in seattle, so, so so tired and going to bed now, promise to not run out of medication next time i see you, don’t promise to be perky in the a.m. ever, but you knew that already. tons of love going your way. mom.

can i help you with that ma'am?

When did I turn into a ma’am? Last time I checked the mirror I swear I was only 19 or so…..
But somehow, I’ve traveled over that bridge (or murky swamp) into adulthood. Gee, it took me long enough to figure that out since really I’m almost 32 and my oldest child is starting high school next year.
But still, it takes me by surprise when the bagger at the grocery store calls me ma’am.
Remember when you were the cool young person at the family reunion? One of the cool people, along with the other cool teenagers in the family….so cool it was hard to even stay in the same room with the old fogies or the stupid young children……so cool you had to even look cool while you slept on the living room floor in the sleeping bag just in case one of the older cool cousins brought home a cute friend of the opposite sex….so cool you couldn’t possibly take part in the talent show without making fun of yourself and everyone else…..so cool you had to make up stories of how un-cool your parents were just to compete with the other made up stories your cousins had…..so cool you would stay lonely out side and peel bark off twigs instead of go inside and play cards with your grandparents even though you wished you did.

Now I’m the ‘old people’ but not the ‘really old people’ since my parents are still alive. But as soon as they go, I’m going to be moving up to that station. I just hope it’s a long time coming. Not just cuz I don’t want to be a ‘really old person’ but because I actually like them and would like to have more time with them. And I want to force my kids to take part in the talent show in front of my parents and cousins even though they make fun of me and themselves. And when I see my kids peeling bark I’ll leave them alone after asking them a mere 20 times to come in and hang out with me and those other un-cool old people. And I hope my kids have some really awful stories to compete with their cousins about how mean I am (even if they are mostly true, in their case….) because I do love them and insist that they tell me where they are and when they’ll be home and who they’ll be with……

I learned something else tonight. Again. (I seem to learn the same things over and over again…..what’s up with that??)
And this is what it is: It feels like life sucks most of the time but it actually doesn’t. It’s just that the really sucky parts tend to stick out the most in my mind when the are happening. But really, the good far outweighs the bad and I know that. I just have a hard time remembering when it feels like it sucks. But I’m working on that.

quick recap for the kids:
your mom is older than she thought but probably not as old as you think she is, the sentimentality factor is strong tonight and i’m rambling about family and reunions and other stuff that make your mind buzz into outer space, life doesn’t really suck it just feels like it alot. and i love you tons.

loving my life

I’m finding I love my life right now. It’s kind of amazing.

Yes, I love my life. This is a new thing for me.

Of course there are things I would change if I could, like, seeing my kids more often and having less stress at work, but all in all I feel very blessed, cared for and looked after.

I have so many things to be grateful for that I wouldn’t even know where to start if someone wanted an itemized list.

My stuff from storage will be here on Sunday. I’m excited to see all my old crap again. It’s my crap. I’ve missed it.

I had a tense moment at work today and pulled through all right. I’m proud of myself. I like feeling proud of myself. I hope it happens more often. I like having skills to fall back on.

I heard an old friend on the phone this afternoon and a whole slew of old feelings washed over me. I’m still trying to sort that one out.

My new site, www.leahpeah.com , which name has been derived from an old taunt from elementary school days, is up and running files from my old site www.passepar2.com . The site has a whole new look thanx to my good friend Joseph Crawford. Check it out.

quick recap for the kids:
i like my life, things aren’t perfect but that’s ok, too, counting my blessings, will have too many books and art crap around the house again soon, work has it’s challenging moments but i’m not falling apart and i like that, still in contact with old friends, old nicknames can be put to use later in life so thank those bullies.
much love,
mom

in the HOUSE

So I’m moving in the house this weekend. I love this house. Did I mention that already? I feel like I’m sleeping in a tree house. The view is incredible. It’s so nice to have my own space again. The bulk of my stuff will be showing up next Sunday. My roommate, Craig, has at least 2 entire households of furniture and kitchen paraphernalia to his name, most of which is already in the house, so I think I’ll be fine. It was fun getting to know him a little through watching how he reacted to the stresses of moving with his friend ‘helpers’ that don’t really help all that much. I laughed a lot, only fell down once or twice and broke open only one box, so it’s all good.

The kids came down to the Carlsbad today and I didn’t get to see them which really bites. Their dad had to get back to Simi Valley for something. I sure miss my kids. Can’t wait to see them on the weekend of the 15th.

quick recap for the kids:
i wish i could live in a tree house but this house will do for now, moving into a new house and can’t wait for you all to see it and be there with me, i’m a klutz as usual but nothing too important got broken except some practically irreplaceable glass, miss you guys and can’t wait till you come over.